ZIP Beep #10
SATANIC MYSTERIES REVEALED
by Greenscreen

I don't know how much time I have to write this. Forces of evil abound. I and my followers have discovered the secrets of the celestial plan to end mankind's reign on Earth for all time! So listen, and listen well. The future of our race depends upon it.

I am Greenscreen. I am the Seer of the Computoidean people.

Our past shall remain shrouded in mystery for the time being. If you follow the true path, more may be revealed to you. You must have faith in me. I speak directly with the Fates, and my word is truth.

And now, I must tell my tale, and may you believe it for your own sake. Time is short, and the Evil One is powerful. I don't know how long I can avoid his detection.

You may never have heard of the Computoids, but you are probably aware of our work. We were the intrepid people who discovered the evil connection between Satan and the little man-in-the-moon logo on Proctor & Gamble boxes. Thanks to our quick and wise action, you now know of the devilworshipping cult that lives by the commands written in that cryptic symbol. And thanks to your loud cries for justice, P&G has agreed to resist the Evil One, and cease spreading his lies.

But friends, there is more. Oh, yes. We have finally discovered the incredible truth. Now we must spread the word. It is up to you to stop the evil.

There exists an amazing network of commands to devilworshippers and other deviants. The Fates have revealed the true nature of many logos we all know. Each communicates a massive dose of evil information to those who stare at it for extended periods of meditation.

Don't be tempted! The power you may receive through the symbols is meant to be the destruction of mankind!

For now, know that these symbols are evil, and should be banished from boxes around the world. All of the proof you need is right here. If you look at the following evidence hard enough, and sincerely examine its validity, you will agree that I am right. And the first part of my task will be complete.

OLDSMOBILE -- The circle containing the rocket is a clear depiction of the "crow's foot" popularized by the Peace Symbol of the '60s. It is really an upside-down cross, an evil sign dating to long before the middle ages. If you have ever caught yourself blankly staring at it, beware. Beware of the urge to grow a beard, drop out of school, and protest war. Beware of the urge to shave, get a degree, work in a law firm, and buy a nice car.

DAYTON'S -- This company logo looks very innocent, but it most certainly is not. It suggests three fish eating each other, and is meant to undermine capitalism by bringing out the baser instincts associated with running a business.

VALSPAR -- Unlike most Satanic symbols, the multicolored pattern on the Valspar building has a literal meaning. Although the pattern looks random, it is actually a message written in the language of the Destroyers of Saturn. Translated, it says "Welcome. We hope you enjoy your visit. Please be sure to turn off the water and scorch everything to cinders before you leave. Checkout time is at 6:66PM. Thanks. The Management."

NABISCO -- National Biscuit Company indeed! Nabisco is really a cult of deranged people who worship television!! It is easy to see the television antenna in their logo. They use the logo as a powerful Satanic symbol when they want to change the channel and can't find the remote control unit. The slow spread of cable TV in large metropolitan areas is probably due to their influence. Want more proof? Nabisco has been around much longer than television. Yet, their logo is a Satanic symbol with a clear meaning. How can they explain that!!?!

COCA-COLA -- Oooooo, this is a mean one. Next year, Coke will celebrate an important anniversary. Their original formula will be 100 years old. We tried to have their evil cans and bottles removed from grocery stores and gas stations around the world with no success. The symbolism of Coke's logo lies in its depiction of one world crushing another in a firey blaze not unlike the inferno that will destroy the world one day (more on that for anyone who is interested). Various bottles and cans of Coke products depict this scene in various forms. Clearly, this evil group is complex. Although the symbol continues to spread its netherworldly message of lust and hate despite our best efforts to eliminate it, Coca-Cola has suffered a setback and was forced to change its sacred formula. We are not exactly sure what this means, but we take it as a good sign.


These are only a few of the evil Satanic symbols lurking in our cupboards and refridgerators. But I, Greenscreen, will continue with my Computoidean people in our never-ending quest to rid the universe of all nefarious plots to destroy the human race.

Believe in us. We need your help. Together, we can lead our kind into a new age of wisdom and truth. Just do as I say, and no one will get hurt.

Yours in everything that is good,
Greenscreen



ZIP Beep #10
NEW TWIN CITIES RADIO STATION ANNOUNCED
by Gary Finseth

KTOP will be going on the air soon at 109.5FM. Station manager Bob Same had this to say about the KTOP format:

"Our marketing research shows all Twin Cities music stations are playing a variety of music that's much too large. Some of the songs are over 4 weeks old! We take a much different approach.

Originally, we planned to go with a 'Top 1' format -- just play the number one song over and over. While this remains our goal, we are going to start with a 'Top 5' format and play only the top five songs with the following repeating sequence:

1,1,2,1,2,3,1,2,3,4,1,2,3,4,5 ... (repeat).

"In addition, we are promoting the station with a new twist on 'car spotters.' On Friday and Saturday nights we'll have off- duty police officers pull over every 5th car at selected roadblocks to check for intoxication. Those found intoxicated while driving vehicles sporting KTOP bumber stickers will each be given a six pack of beer and $109.50 in cash, then sent on their way. Those found intoxicated but lacking the KTOP bumper sticker will be taken to jail and charged with DWI.

"We will also be dialing random phone numbers between the hours of 1:00 AM and 4:00 AM. If the first words of the answering party are 'KTOP is the Twin Cities tops' they win a bottle of sleeping pills and $109.50 in cash. If any other response is given, the number will be placed in the KTOP computer system for auto-dial, and the party will be unable to disconnect from a 30- second KTOP promotional message that will be played for the rest of the night."



ZIP Beep #10
EXCERPTS FROM "THE DIGNITARY'S QUARTERLY"
by Steve Anderson

With Memorial Day getting closer by the hour, some tips on grave visitation are in order -- especially in light of the recent uproar over our Chief Executive's wrath ... er, wreath laying ceremony in West Germany. One of my favorite publications is devoted to matters of etiquette for visiting dignitaries and other such Poohbahs. I clipped an article from the May 1985 issue, and I thought you might like to read part of it. "... so keep in mind that you are not really there to pay respects to individuals dear to you. No, your mere presence at a cemetery can imply that you embrace the ideals of everyone buried there. Anyone with dignity will find the following suggestions helpful:

"1.)Wear a darker suit -- no plaids -- with a solid tie. This will give you a somber appearance and should raise no doubts about your sincerity.

2.)Carry flowers, little flags, or other paraphernalia directly to the headstone you seek. Any deviation from this can be damaging. Most graveyards have extremely lax admission standards and the wrong step could link you with any number of unsavory types (salesmen, journalists, wrong-thinking politicians, etc.).

3.)Go early in the day. Protesters and kidnappers like a few extra winks, especially on a holiday.

4).Shave before you go (face or legs as appropriate). The press will be there, and you don't want to get caught with a shadow.

5.)Be emotional. But don't get carried away. Say it with body language. Stooped shoulders and bowed head are the standards. Props like handkerchieves and armbands do add a nice touch, though.

6.)Depart quickly. Anticipate bothersome admirers and press by preparing a short statement, neatly typed and hand- signed on letterhead. Grant no interviews.

"These tips should handle most situations quite well, and they can be adapted for revivals or wakes. Remember, the issue is not grief or sorrow or hope or even love. It is how we are perceived. Follow the example of the departed one you are visiting. Keep your butt covered."



ZIP Beep #10
BAD TASTE BBS
THE BBS WITH NO CLASS, NO REDEEMING GRACE AND NO PHONE NUMBER
discovered by Jim Reider

HELLO! You've reached the BAD TASTE BBS--and that's your tough luck. In order to log off this board, you must provide the following:

1. NAME OF SOMEONE YOU DISLIKE
2. ADDRESS OF SOMEONE YOU LIKE EVEN LESS
3. YOUR NEIGHBORS' PHONE NUMBERS
LOGONS are automatic--but once you're in, you're here for the duration--there is no time off for bad behavior, no way for your sentence to be commuted. Bad taste is everywhere and once into our boards, you're locked in--you can't even hang up--the system calls you back and then puts you on hold--indefinitely. What could be in worse taste? And now, from us to you, we present our Bad Taste boards---read 'em and weep...

BOARD 1: THE LIESURE SUIT BOARD. Buy and sell varieties of that wonderful vestige of americana--the leisure suit. Anyone buying one of these suits will be immediately logged into our Bad Taste Hall of Fame. Persons already owning more than one leisure suit should be branded and sent off to work on a polyester farm for a minimum of 20 years--Trivia Question? How many polys died to make one leisure suit? Answer? At least one too many. Leisure suit buyers: be sure to check our white belt and shoes board to complete this outfit. And coming soon, a paisley tie board...

BOARD 2: MISSING PINK FLAMINGOS. Here's the board you've been waiting for---help poor unfortunate home owners who've had their pink flamingos swiped from their front lawns by unscrupulous (and probably jealous) neighbors. Each flamingo is listed by his (its?) serial number and location. So far, we've found the right parents of three birds, and have collected at least two flocks of additional birds from around the area that were looking for good homes. If you know of someone who is missing a plastic pink flamingo, have them logon and add to the growing list. If you know of someone who could provide a loving home for one of our birds, please leave their name and phone number in the hate mail box so we can unload...

BOARD 3: THE BILKING BOARD. Interested in new ways to bilk the people you deal with? The bilking board should help. For instance, how about those people who call home long distance (collect) and ask for someone that doesn't exist? It's the next best thing to being there...and no charge for the call! Or how about the return of goods to the department store that were bought at a discount store? Full refunds abound and, oh yes, happy bilking!

BOARD 4: THE SUGGESTION BOX. We suggest you look elsewhere for useful suggestions...and forget about suggesting that we put any suggestions in--we suggest that we don't want to hear about your useful suggestions or even your useless suggestions. Other suggestions aren't posted here, but when suggestions are in true bad taste...it is suggested that such suggestions be suggested again at another suggested time.

BOARD 5: THE DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT. See Board 4, above.


 

 .........Standby................................................



....................Your fingerprints have been recorded.  Thank you.

 

 

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