ZIP Beep #12
INTERSTELLAR METAMEGAMALL PROPOSED
ZIP Beep has learned that Gov. Rudy Perpich has switched his
support once again on the proposed convention center site. While
his office is continuing to praise the Bloomington Megamall
project suggested by an Edmonton group, the Governor himself has
privately endorsed an even larger facility encompassing an area
bounded by Highway 1OO on the west, Highway 61 on the east, and
running north from Killebrew Drive to Broadway.
The entire area would be enclosed in a gigantic dome.
When cornered by ZIP Beep and asked to verify the report, Perpich
was candid. "What the heck, we may as well do it right," he
said. "The Megamall project was something to whet the public's
appetite. Suggestions came in from across the state, and we just
couldn't fit in all of the rides and attractions people wanted to
see, so we decided to expand the project a little here and a
little there. Before we knew it, we were talking about enclosing
major sections of several cities. So it's really a visionary
plan. And it's far more than an international trade center. The
way we look at it, we could be creating the world's first
intergallactic attraction. By the time it's built, Earth will be
just one human colony in a universe of trading parties. Toot
toot toot, woo woo."
Asked about the logistics of constructing a dome that would cover
two airports, Perpich showed no concern. "Those are details for
engineers", he said.
Much mystery surrounds the developer of the newly proposed
project. Triple Dip Corporation, based in Moose Jaw, is
registered jointly in the names of Moe, Larry and Curly
Ervdauphinovich. These three sons of a professional circus bear
trainer who defected from Russia are seldom seen in public. But
rare 193O's home movies showing them with their families indicate
they lead a life that is anything but tranquil and orderly.
Most of Bloomington including the site of the former Met stadium
will become a massive 71-storied traffic terminal (i.e., the
nerve center/parking lot for the convention center/amusement
Incorporating the more well known areas of the Twin Cities was
probably wise, considering the reputation Bloomington has as a
suburb in the sticks. Rodney Dangerfield once told Johnny Carson
he was booked into the Carlton Celebrity Room, a place "so far
out I'm being reviewed by Field & Stream."
Residents of the enclosed areas will enjoy summer weather through
all four seasons. But only for a few months. Then tax increment
financing will be employed as a way of removing unwanted
businesses and homeowners. When the one-time special assessment
tax of just under $2 million is imposed, those who choose not to
pay will be asked to relocate in Fridley.
Initially, Perpich expressed skepticism about the idea, but was
persuaded when it was pointed out that Minneapolis and St. Paul
generate an enormous number of festivals in the summer. If
summer could be extended to include the entire year, the new
center could take advantage of the increased activity while
finishing some of the more exotic attractions.
Now Perpich is enthusiastic. "It'll be the State Fair, Taste Of
Minnesota, Aquatennial, Sommerfest, Seward Community Picnic,
Grand Old Day, Riverfest, and Winter Carnival all rolled into
one. In fact, each event will take place four times every year.
It will all be conducted in a warm indoor climate. But, of
course, we'll have to shoot King Boreas."
An incredible array of rides and attractions are planned:
*PeatmossLand -- This educational exhibit will outline the
benefits of peatmoss. Using it for fuel will be discussed, along
with weaving peatmoss, paving streets with it, sending it into
space, eating it, constructing living quarters with it, and
keeping it as a house pet.
*The Eye Of Death light rail system -- In keeping with the spirit
of the dual convention center/amusement park concept, the park
will include a roller coaster that functions as a speedy rapid
transit system. The gigantic track will run from Bloomington
through downtown St. Paul and Minneapolis, past downtown
Bloomington (if it can be found before construction begins) and
back to the terminal in Bloomington. Riders will be treated to
many thrills including a spooky trip through the Lowry tunnel
climaxed by a realistic battle with a 5O-foot mechanical replica
of Richard Nixon.
*The Lost World -- Tourists will be whisked away aboard the Eye
of Death light rail system to the downtown St. Paul station
proposed for the corner of 9th and 7th Streets. Starting there,
they will attempt to work their way to the St. Paul Airport and
catch a plane back to Bloomington.
*The Scandinavian Village -- For those who come to shop, a
recreated a Viking settlement will present the opportunity to
make purchases from among thousands of rare and priceless works
of art looted from museums and private homes throughout Europe by
hoards of maurading Norsemen.
*Gluttony of Minnesota -- When it comes to food, there will be no
shortage in quantity or variety. Lutefisk Teriyaki On A Stick,
wine from the Mordredgrape Vinyard in Hastings, and an
international range of "Corndogs-From-Many-Lands" make up just a
sampling of the treats in store for the picky eater.
*The Saturn 5 -- Some people really enjoy artsy-craftsy things
like the booths at the State Fair where you pay for a piece of
paper and the right to drop paint on it while it's spinning. The
Saturn 5 is for these folks. Five participants will pay to work
on a group project resembling an assembly line, with the end
result being a General Motors Saturn automobile. The state will
keep the car. Participants will leave the exhibit with the
satisfaction of a job well done.
There has also been some talk about adding several more bodies of
water to the chain of lakes.
State Senate Majority Leader Roger Moe is one of the few
representatives who is aware of plans for the new project. While
he was initially hesitant to give it his support, he has now come
out in favor of the center because of an arrangement to include a
robotic Wayne Gretzky display.
Bloomington Mayor James Lindau was told of the plans by phone,
but no comment could be obtained through noise and heavy sobbing
on the line.
ZIP Beep #12
ANOTHER EXTREMIST GROUP HIJACKS PLANE
by Peter Leppik
A group of well dressed terrorists claiming to be from an
organization called YTO (Yuppie Terrorist Organization) hijacked
a plane after takeoff from Kennedy Airport. They are holding all
15O passengers of the Amerikan Airlines 727 hostage until their
demands are met.
A spokesman for the yuppie terrorists met with a local
businessman today to present the terrorists' demands. They
* Ten bottles of Calistoga Water per day per terrorist.
* Release of 735 copies of "Dress for Success" held by U.S.
Upon hearing the demands of the terrorists, George Schultz
reportedly said, "That's the silliest thing I've ever heard in
President Reagan was awoken for a special briefing early this
morning. When he was told that American lives were in danger,
he looked at reporters and quipped, "Would you get the hell out
of my bedroom! Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" He then
turned to Nancy and asked, "Now where were we?" Nancy
reportedly replied, "Around my bellybutton."
A camera crew from ABC was allowed a brief interview with the
pilot of the airplane through the cockpit window this morning.
Among other things, the pilot said that they had been treated
well, although the food wasn't too great. Apparently, the
hostages are being fed nothing but Calistoga Water and
Just before the camera crew left, the pilot blurted out, "My
God, don't do anything rash, they're in here, and they're
threatening to kill us, they're threatening to kill us by reading
chapters three and four from 'In Search of Excellence.' My God,
what a horrible way to die, please, don't do anything rash." At
that point, the terrorist who had been in the cockpit throughout
the interview pulled a copy of "One Minute Manager" from a pocket
in his suitjacket and began reading the introduction to warn
away the camera crew.
In other developments, it was revealed today that eight
passengers with "blue-collar sounding names" had been removed
from the plane and taken to an unknown location. Nothing has
been heard from them, and it is feared that they may be subjected
to torture. Reports one expert on yuppie terrorism, "These
yuppies, they like to use cruel tortures on working people. One
of their favorites is to force the person to interpret the stock
listings in The Wall Street Journal. For the uninitiated, it can
It has now been confirmed that a passenger who happened to have
the name "Springsteen" was knocked out and dropped on the runway.
Experts believe that he suffered a blow to the head with a spare
tire from a BMW. Mr. Springsteen is reportedly recovering nicely
at a local VA hospital.
ZIP Beep #12
MOVIE REVIEW -- Rambel: Lost Blood Part One
A little-known German movie made in 1931 has been rediscovered
and is fascinating audiences in revival houses across America.
RAMBEL: LOST BLOOD PART ONE was immensely popular in the
Fatherland when first released. As the first in a planned series
of films about a Teutonic warrior frustrated by his experiences
in World War One, it struck a chord with Weimar Republic Germans
who felt they could have won the Great War had they been given a
Ultimately, the movie proved to be too effective for its own
good. Although it is full of strongly nationalistic dialog with
racist overtones, the Hitler regime found its graphically
depicted exploding bodies unacceptable. This didn't fit into
Hitler's plan to make war look like fun. Consequently, none of
the planned sequels were undertaken, Rambel became a verbotten
character, and director Klaus Eichdorf spent his last years in a
Nazi concentration camp.
In Rambel's opening scene, Arian actor Heinrich Sigurdson walks
into a small Alsace-Lorraine town. He has made the mistake of
entering during the annual QuicheFest. Despite his insistance
that he is just passing through, he is persuaded to join the
local townspeople in song. When they realize he is singing "Du
du liebst mir in Herzen" instead of "Frere Jacques," the police
book him on a trumped up charge (singing with a lisp on a Sunday)
and haul him off to jail.
Rambel silently accepts this and other ignominious injustices.
They call him a heinie. They ask him to read from a french menu
and laugh at his pronunciation. Rambel finally goes over the
edge when the police attempt to give him a bauhaus haircut.
Unfortunately, anything resembling a plot disappears at this
point. The rest is a sequence of wild events. Rambel attacks
everything in his path. Armed with nothing but a bow, a quiver
of arrows, and spiked helmet left World War One, Rambel destroys
the entire town. Then, in the movie's most idiotic scene, Rambel
frees a group of Czech prisoners held (inexplicably) in the
Mayor's basement. RAMBEL ends only when the entire burg is
nothing but smoldering pile of cinders.
RAMBEL is not for the squeamish. Nor is it for the intelligent.
It seems to be an exercise in the release of national
frustration. After playing in theaters throughout Germany, it
succeeded in convincing much of the public that they could win
the next war.
Today Sigurdson, the man many Germans knew as Rambel, is living
in relative peace and obscurity near a small hamlet in Uraguay.
All of our attempts to contact him have been unsuccessful.
However, a camera crew from a Bolivian TV station did happen to
see him on the street last year and asked him to comment on his
work. A rough translation of Sigurdson's reply could be taken to
mean, "I was just following directions."
ZIP Beep #12
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PAUL LIPP
by Steve Anderson
(Editor's note: This exclusive interview was obtained late in
the afternoon of Saturday, July 13, 1985. Immediately after the
interview, the interviewee left on a brief vacation and is now
resting comfortably in a tightly capped glass beaker.)
ZIP: Let's clear up something at the beginning. The issue of
your name. Exactly what is your name?
Paul: That's easy. It's Paul Lipp. I've seen Polyp and even
polyp if you can believe it. But that's the medical profession
for you -- if it doesn't sound like Greek or Latin, how can they
explain those exorbitant fees?
ZIP: While we're on the topic, what was your impression of the
team of doctors that handled your removal?
Paul: The Knife Man (Dr. Dale Oller) did a neat job, but the
Tweezers Man (Dr. Steven Rosenberg) was a little sloppy, though
he did come off real well at the post operation press conference.
I'm really not sure about the rest of them. I mean, I'm only
five centimeters long, for goodness sake. But I suppose at least
a couple of them were G-Men for protection. I know for a fact
that one of them (Dr. Lee Smith) is really a relief pitcher for
the Cubs. I'm glad he was just there as an observer.
ZIP: How did you feel about the media's handling of the affair?
Paul: Very gratified, actually. Some of the graphics were a
little crude -- I understand Donald Regan blasted them as
"tasteless" -- and I was dismayed that the press corps dubbed
themselves the Polyps Patrol. But overall I welcomed the
coverage. Not many of my kind end up on the nightly news.
ZIP: On a personal level, what did you think of President
Paul: Two words describe him best. Good Eater. His food was
fantastic. I especially enjoyed European junkets. The only
thing I really did not care for was campaign trail grub. That
and his dammed woodchopping at the ranch.
ZIP: Let's talk politics. What is Paul Lipp's persuasion?
Paul: I'm a Republican, naturally. A Bush Man. I was delighted
to find out that he was actually President Bush for a few hours.
That certainly won't hurt his chances in '88. A very positive
ZIP: Paul, what now, what next?
Paul: Well, I'll take it easy for a while and let the offers
roll in. I've heard Letterman is interested. I've had feelers
for a spot on Diff'rent Strokes. Possibly a book, but you'll
have to talk to my agent about that. Ultimately I think I have a
shot at the the Smithsonian. To be honest, almost anyplace will
be okay. I'm just glad I'll never have to listen to Nancy's
snoring again. A full night's sleep will do me a world of good.
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