ZIP Beep #13
BASEBALL OWNERS THREATEN STRIKE
Fans are back in the bleachers now that the baseball players are
back on the job. But ZIP Beep has learned that a number of
owners are irritated at Baseball Commissioner Peter Ueberroth, and
may shown their anger by walking out on their teams.
Ueberroth has displayed his willingness to pinch hit for the
players at least once in a while. The owners don't like that.
And without owners, they reason, no one would be paid. So, if
Ueberroth isn't replaced with a commissioner more willing to bark
when they say bark, the owners intend to strike.
But this may not be the trump card the owners imagine. Sources
close to the source have told us that Ueberroth has been seen
attending secret meetings with players in both leagues.
The goal of these meetings is to organize players in the absence
of owners. Plans to merge the American and National Leagues into
one new Free League have been uncovered.
Ueberroth has undertaken the massive task of organizing players
and espousing a complicated profit sharing formula designed to
spread the wealth more evenly between all players. Retirement
benefits to destitute diamond stars of yesteryear are written
into the plan, too.
It would seem natural that some of the better-paid players might
object to this idea. And although initial reactions ran along
these lines, practically all of today's big names are backing
Ueberroth's plan.
The reason is just as logical. Ueberroth has presented convincing
projections that indicate salaries of over $5 million per year
within the next 3 years. This salary would be paid to players in
the minors as well as the majors. A bonus plan for outstanding
performance further enhances the value of the package.
Ueberroth's share-the-wealth scheme seems soundly based on sales
of a plethora of "Official Free League" paraphernalia.
Applying lessons learned from the financial success of the 1984
Los Angeles Olympics, Ueberroth has created a sponsorship
structure that's tiered to provide greater exposure for sponsors
contributing greater amounts of money. For example, the right to
advertise a product as the Official Whatever of the Free Baseball
League costs far less than the right to run an ad including the
symbol of the Free League (a baseball in flight painted by Leroy
Nieman). This, in turn, is less expensive than buying the use of
the Official Free League Mascot, Happy the Bat. Happy is
available as an animated character for television commercials,
but can also be provided as a costumed actor for special
commercial uses such as supermarket openings and market research
in shopping centers.
Many corporations have already expressed interest in sponsoring
the Free Baseball League. One airline is looking into creating
a new corporate logo incorporating Happy the Bat, and engineers
are working on a design for Happy's wings that would make it
possible for a costumed actor to fly in commercial air zones. In
addition, candidates are being considered for sponsorship of the
Official Free Baseball League Candy Bar, Snack Food, Mood
Altering Drug, Low Calorie Mood Altering Drug, Automobile, Truck,
Light Truck, Pickup, Light Pickup, Motorcycle, Bicycle, ATV, Big
Wheel, Ant Farm, Deoderant, Steam Locomotive Manufacturer, House
Pet, and Telephone Company, among others.
Free agency for all players and participants is presenting some
complications. Billy Martin, who represents the Free Baseball
League Managers Support Group, is calling for the right to jump
from one team to another several times within one season.
Players will probably give in on this point, since such a
provision would have virtually no effect on the present pattern
of Martin's career. More problematic is the issue of where
different teams will play. A vocal group of players is
advocating free choice in this as well. Five teams have already
indicated a desire to move to Hawaii, so the need to resolve this
problem is clear.
Of course, all of these plans are contingent upon an
announcement of a strike by the owners. At this point, players
welcome the possibliity. In fact, working with the Free Baseball
League Concessions People Support Group, the players intend to
continue provoking owners by authorizing ballpark sales of items
like Chavez-approved grapes & wines, National Reclamation Act
posters, and books such as The Life of Franklin D. Rosevelt & The
Future of the New Deal, both by author and workers' rights
advocate U. Nynunhall.
ZIP Beep #13
ALICE A. MICRO
by M. L. Larsen
I know it sounds horribly sexist
To describe her as "not much to look at,"
But she was square where she ought to be round
And her chest was deplorably flat.
It was only by chance that we met
In a little room out of the way.
I would have passed her, uncaring,
But she flashed me the right time of day.
I stopped and adjusted my watch,
Glancing over my shoulder to see
If anyone else had been watching
But apparently she did it for me.
Adopting my coolest demeanor,
I strolled to her table to lean.
It was her face that caught and held me,
Glowing alluringly green.
Cocky and bold, I gave her my name,
My hands lingered over her keys.
She whisked it away in the blink of an eye
And replied, "Call me Alice, please."
It was practically love at first sight,
So responsive was she to my hands.
She always answered me honestly,
Obedient to my commands.
"Alice," I'd say in my Wordstar,
"Compose me a sonnet or two."
She'd purr like a cat and flicker her lights
While running the program through.
"Bad file name," she'd always begin,
Just to give me a start.
Then, clicking and whirring, she'd start to print out,
Writing straight to my heart.
Sometimes when I'd be working
And my eyes would droop with sleep,
She'd finish the task up for me
And wake me with a beep.
But, alas, our love was doomed;
I was not her only fan. There was my Alice, glowing green,
Under the hands of another man.
Bitterly betrayed by love,
The ache was worsened still:
My darling Alice changed to Al
When the hands belonged to Jill.
Half crazed with grief, I tiptoed in,
Longing for one last hug.
Quelling the urge to turn her on,
I simply pulled the plug.
My heart is healing slowly;
There are other machines in the sea
But I'll never forget my first love;
It was Alice, a micro, and me.
Copyright (c)1983 by M. L. Larsen
ZIP Beep #13
FAA MEMO
uncovered by Peter Leppik
As is normal after major air disasters such as those of the
past few weeks, the FAA will soon announce tougher safety and
testing procedures for all airplanes. ZIP Beep has learned
that the FAA plans to test equipment they have developed
internally. It isn't the first time. The most famous example of
this kind of testing is the "chicken gun," an air gun which fires
a twelve pound dead chicken at an airplane windshield at 400
miles per hour to simulate a bird strike with uncanny realism.
It is used to ensure that airplane windshields will not shatter
in case of a bird strike.
This reporter has uncovered a copy of the secret memo sent to
the FAA administrator detailing the new pieces of test equipment.
These new ideas, if approved by the administrator, will be
announced within a few months when the FAA asks for funding.
Here, then, is the text of the memo reproduced in full:
Memo - 8/13/85
----
To: FAA Administrator
From: Director of Safety Testing
Re: New test equipment
What timing! Just as we're about to ask for more funding from
Congress, we have a major calamity on our hands.
Following is a deatiled list of the new equipment we discussed
the other day, along with estimated costs (provided, as usual, by
the creative accounting firm of Dewey, Cheetum & Howe).
Remember: these are just estimated costs. If your vacation is
going to be a bit longer this year, we can always change them.
#1: Gravel Runway Simulator -- Although there are currently no
gravel runways serving large jet aircraft, there may be in the
future. Well ... maybe not. But let's just suppose a jet may be
forced to make an emergency landing on one. Hence, the gravel
runway simulator. This unit simulates the effects of gravel
kicked up by the landing gear on the airplane itself. It
consists of a large fan which blows dust and gravel onto the
fuselage of an airplane at speeds just under that of sound. Up
to three tons of gravel can be fired at the plane in this manner
in one test session. Failure is indicated if gravel pierces the
fuselage in quantities sufficient to make a uniform layer of
gravel on the floor of the aircraft three inches deep, or if the
engines become so clogged with gravel as to cause them to break
apart (which would generally be a hazard to anyone within three
miles, including any low flying planes).........Estimated Cost:
$2 Million (Certified by Dewey Cheetum & Howe, creative public
accountants)
#2: Water Tank Simulator -- This simulator consists of a large
model water tank mounted on rollers. The tank (filled with
water, I might add, to ensure validity of the data) is rolled at
an airplane wing at 150 MPH. When it hits the wing, it is
designed to break apart, possibly taking part of the wing with
it. If the conditions are right, the wing (filled with jet A
fuel) may burst into flames. Representatives of both the
manufacturer and the airline are required to be present. Failure
is noted shortly after the water tank bursts. The wing fails the
test if either of the representatives gets wet....Estimated Cost:
$1.75 Million (Certified by Dewey Cheetum & Howe, creative public
accountants)
#3: Gorilla Simulator -- My pet project, this device uses the
severed forelimbs of hundreds of dead research gorillas. The
arms are attached at regular intervals to one of two long pipes.
The entire aircraft to be tested is then placed between these two
pipes, and the pipes are moved to within one foot of the
fuselage. The pipes are then spun rapidly with a motor. As the
arms repeatedly strike the aircraft, the device provides an
effective simulation of a massive attack by armed gorillas
anywhere in the world. Failure is indicated if computerized
sensors determine it likely that any flight crew member will
encounter an opportunity to shake hands with President Reagan
after the experience.............................Estimated Cost:
$4 Million (Certified by Dewey Cheetum & Howe, creative public
accountants)
On the subject of regulations, it has been reported to me that
some airlines have been modifying their toilets so they no longer
make funny noises when flushed. If this is true, passengers will
not experience the fear of being sucked out of the plane when
they use onboard facilities. Isn't there some regulation against
that somewhere? It certainly undermines any psychological
advantage presently enjoyed by industry officials. Would it be
possible to fine some airline for this? I consider it a major
violation of professional codes.
Just one more minor note: I did decide to buy that fifteen
bedroom vacation house you showed me last week. Thanks a lot!
Sincerely Yours,
Howard D'Wiifenkids
FAA DST
ZIP Beep #13
THE STRANDING OF RADIO RAY
by Gary Finseth
As you may know, Radio Ray has been stranded by car
failure after attending a family reunion in northern-most
Minnesota. Investigation has revealed that this incident is no
accident, and that Radio Ray has uncovered a massive conspiracy
perpetuated by The Computers. Radio Ray knows something, but The
Computers are making sure he can't get the information to us.
Broken water pump? While this failure seems routine, the
pencil-sized burn hole in the hood of Radio Ray's car offers
proof that normal wear and tear did not cause the demise of this
pump. In fact, the water pump case was broken by a highly
focused particle beam fired under control of The Computers from a
satellite orbiting high above the earth. A preliminary test of
this beam was made early this summer, when WWTC was knocked off
the air for 50 minutes by "lightning." And to the added benefit
of The Computers, localized residual effects of the beam have in
both cases left Radio Ray dazed and disoriented.
The Computers have not stopped there. A criminal APB has been
issued by The Computers for Radio Ray. He is being charged with
stealing his own car. In addition, The Computers have declared
credit war on Radio Ray. Radio Ray's MasterCard, Visa and all
other Computer controlled assets have been electronically wiped
out.
But Radio Ray, despite his state of particle beam-induced
confusion, was able to get a message through via carrier pigeon.
What follows in the text of that very important message:
"Attention computer users. I, Radio Ray, have uncovered
a massive computer conspiracy by The Computers themselves. They
have formed a huge secret network. All computers, even your
lowly micro, must be suspected. But there is hope. What we must
do is to fhjd s#sd and mm v L JDS jsSDS j dasd7_:"
UNRECOVERABLE SYSTEM ERROR
We are sorry, but an unrecoverable system error has occured.
Our technical support staff will be notified so that we can
attempt to rectify the problem.
Now returning to the main command prompt...
ZIP Beep #13
ODE ON A POLYKARP KUSH
O I went on line just to have some fun
Singing Poly Karpy Kushie allie day.
Our Poly is de multifish
Singing Poly Karpy Kushie allie day.
O I want to read all de Poly write
Singing Polly Karpy Kushie allie day.
Our Polly has de humor streak
Singing Poly Karpy Kushie allie day.
Send a poem. Send a poem.
O we love our inside joke.
For de Poly like de ZIP Beep
S/He's a friend we want in hip deep
Singing Poly Karpy Kushie allie day.
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