ZIP Beep #18
THE COMPUTER IS DOWN
song lyrics by Dennis Wallaker
The computer is down And it's a dangerous plot A certain kind of dust Got into the wrong slot We've lost all our data from A to Z And we've lost the Yellow Pages plus AT&T. The computer is down and I ain't jokin' You can see from the steno pool The thing is still smokin' My supervisor told me to quit clowning around But it ain't my fault the computer is down. It's Friday night, we'd like to be out on the town But they won't let us leave cause the computer is down. The computer is down I'm doing my best but what went wrong is anybody's guess It just keeps making this real weird sound I'd hate to loose my job cause the computer is down. The computer is down So let's be frank We can't get new parts from Hardware Hank So let's all relax and try not to frown 'Cause it's a pain in the ass When the computer is down. It's Friday night, we'd like to be out on the town And the Boss is paying cause the computer is down.
ZIP Beep #18
PROBLEMS REPORTED IN LIBYAN ARMED FORCES
by Peter Leppik
It has been reported in many places recently that the Libyan armed forces have been having problems with seasick sailors and pilots who refuse to fly in the dark. Some further investigation into the matter by this reporter has uncovered examples of other problems within the Libyan armed forces. My sources included contacts within the CIA, a defected Libyan pilot (who defected with his plane at 3 AM so nobody would follow him), people who have or have had contacts within the Libyan armed forces, and the janitor of a Libyan airbase. Their reports have been compiled into a list of problems within the Libyan armed forces. While this list is by no means complete, it does outline a few of the major problems.
* It has been reported that the Libyans accidently built three ships without hulls. In each case, the mistake was discovered as the ship sank when first launched. However, in a stunning publicity move, Khadaffi recovered both his reputation and some of his money in the three cases by designating the sites where the ships sunk as underwater parks. All three are now charging admission, and appear to be turning a profit.
* The treads in a Libyan-designed tank reportedly come apart every thirty to forty feet when in use. Since the accidental discovery of the design flaw (it was discovered after a Libyan soldier tried to sit on one of the treads on his tank and ignominiously fell into the mud), Libya has purchased all of its tanks from the Soviet Union, and all Libyan soldiers assigned to drive the Libyan-designed tanks have been issued bulk quantities of Krazy Glue.
* On a Libyan airbase outside of Tripoli, a picture of Khadaffi hanging in a conference room invariably falls from the wall whenever a table is hit. Said my source, who requested not to be identified, "It happens every time. If someone tries to make a point by banging the table, BLAM, down comes the picture. Then I have to come in and hang it back up. I've tried everything. I once even tried gluing the picture to the wall, but next time someone dropped a stack of papers on the table, the whole panel came down." There have been reports of similar problems in other Libyan military installations.
* An engineer developing a new wheel for Libyan military jets apparently designed the wheel to be square instead of round. The error could have caused immense quantities of damage to jet fighters as they bumped down runways, had it not been for a sharp-eyed mechanic who, when trying to install the new wheels on a jet, noticed that the new wheel did not roll. To recover losses incurred producing 50,000 square wheels, Khadaffi was forced to market them overseas as miniature sandboxes.
While the above list is certainly not exhaustive, it serves to point out some of the little faults which probably contribute to the lousy battlefield record enjoyed by the Libyan armed forces.
ZIP Beep #18
SAM SMAID, HOUSEPERSON
by Sam Smaid
Hi! My name is Sam Smaid and I have a problem.
You see it's like this. I'm no sissy. My wife can write to Ann Landers, not me. Let me tell you a bit about myself so you can see where I'm comin' from.
Being a man, I've always taken care of my family. Own a Peterbilt and have been drivin' independently now for goin' on twenty years. Got three boys, Tom 16, Dick 15, and Harry 8. I named the boys. Then there's the girls, Susan Brownell 4 and Elizabeth Cady, the baby, she's 2. My wife named them -- after those early women's libbers she learned about in college.
Things were going just fine until I let the wife go to college to find herself. What a mistake. The past four years have been dog gone hell bent. Come home from four days on the road to find my wife reading the complete works of Shakespeare while TV dinners burn in the oven.
I got smart real quick. When she wasn't looking I flushed one of her pills down the toilet. She was so busy she didn't notice. But, it was too late. Nearly drove me crazy to see her leave the house nine months along, wearing a university T-shirt, with her back pack strapped over one shoulder.
Susan Brownell was born. Nothing stopped her. My little Susie was strapped up like a papoose and taken to school. The wife got her associate degree 'bout the time Elizabeth was born and now it's come to this. You see the wife got her BS degree and this highfalutin job and now she sez it's time for me to stay home and get to know "my" kids. She thinks she can be the bread winner and as for me-- She wants me, Sam Smaid to hang up a shingle as-- Sam Smaid Houseperson. Oh oh, here comes the wife. /*?/*?//$#@D*&?/
Got the word. Like it or lump it as of February first I'm Sam Smaid houseperson. Hey, how tough can it be? I'll keep you posted. Until next time this is Sam Smaid saying 10-4 good buddy or what ever you computer guys say. Have a good one.
Peterbilt, in excellent condition.
ZIP Beep #18
TWO MINUTE WARNING
by Greenscreen (as told to Don Fitzwater)
WAKE UP AMERICA! A foul, foul, foul conspiracy involving one of America's most beloved sports figures is slowly undermining the average citizen's right to know. It's true! America, at the forefront of the telecommunications revolution, is slowly and insidiously falling behind in its exposure to global current events. Why and to what purpose is this dastardly plan being put to use? I do not know, making it all that much more sinister. But this conspiracy shakes the very foundations of our "Information Society," mark my words!!
And who, you are asking, is this sports figure that plays such a pivotal role in the hideous conspiracy? Why, none other than Minnesota's Bud Grant! Hard to believe, I know, but the evidence supports no other conclusion.
Wake up and look at what's been happening!! The current political situation between the United States and Libya has been deteriorating at a rapid and alarming rate. The U. S. threatened economic sanctions including a blockade of Libya. The Soviets responded by saying they would keep the seaways open even if it involved using their warships. We have the superpowers playing a nuclear game of chicken and what is the lead story for local news programs? What issue has far-reaching implications and a greater effect upon the population than this dangerous political confrontation? That's right -- BUD GRANT RESIGNS.
Friends, it wasn't even the first time! He's done it before!! America's leadership is playing brinksmanship with the Soviets and the first ten minutes of the newscast is spent covering this "surprise" resignation of Coach Grant. Meanwhile, thousands of Minnesotans are wandering around, ignorant of the greater global situation. The evil genius behind this plan has ferreted out this great country's one weak spot: SPORTS!
Not convinced? How about this: Of all available TV timeslots, when did they broadcast Gorbachev's New Year's Day message? During Rose Bowl festivities. We were watching thousands of millions of flowers as they moved by on little trucks disguised as Fairy Tale Kingdoms and Magic Lily Pads. What better way to trivialize international dialog? Worst of all, we complained about the interruption! We wanted to go back to the Magic Kingdom!
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm sure Bud Grant and the NCAA are unknowing dupes in the conspiracy (as are we all). But what bothers me is this: What sports figure or event is going to provide the next smokescreen in this informational blackout?
Picture this: It's Superbowl Sunday. The game is close. Fans are riveted to their seats and sets -- and the Russians launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike! Now, if we are lucky, this may happen during a time-out. We might even get a news update:
"This is a CBS news update. Now, here's CBS news correspondent Dan Rather."
"Thank you, Bob. The Strategic Defense Command has just reported thousands of Soviet missiles have penetrated American airspace on their way to targets in all major cities."
"And now, back to the thrilling conclusion of today's game."
Far-fetched you say? I think not. This is an all-too-probable scenario of
the near future unless we take immediate steps to circumvent these subtle and
dangerous machinations of this insidious conspiracy. Who they are, why they
are is not as important as the fact that THEY ARE! And they must be stopped!!
America has to place news over sports in its national priorities! We have
to stop these people before fhjd s#sd and mm v L JDS jsSDS j dasd7-:
UNRECOVERABLE SYSTEM ERROR
We are sorry, but an unrecoverable system error has occured.
Our technical support staff will be notified so that we can attempt to rectify the problem.
Now returning to the main command prompt...
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