ZIP Beep #19
PHILIPPINE ENGLISH PRIMER
by Chuck Strinz & Don Fitzwater

The subtle differences between Taiwanese English and Standard English are well documented (ZIP Beep #7, article Z28). Philippine English is a booming new area of study. In an effort to solidify our nation's relationship with the leaders of The Philippines, we are pleased to present the following guide to translations. As interest rates continue to rise in The Philippines, investment opportunities will be presented to all Americans and, in fact, anybody with a few extra dollars. We urge you to take advantage of ZIP Beep's Philippine English Primer. Try these phrases for yourself, keeping their meanings in mind to avoid embarassment. Remember: discretion is the better part of diplomacy.


PHRASE (Meaning)

I AM A WAR HERO (I deserted my outfit)

WE BELIEVE IN FAIR ELECTIONS (We don't want any trouble from outside agitators)

EVERY COUNTRY HAS A RIGHT TO ENFORCE ITS OWN LAWS (Our jurisdiction extends to southern California)

I AM A SIMPLE MAN (My wife owns property in Bel Aire)

I WELCOME ANY SERIOUS CHALLENGES TO MY PRESIDENCY (I want my challengers to approach me unarmed)

COMMUNISTS ARE THREATENING THE COUNTRY (I don't have very many friends)

SURE I'M RELATED TO YOU, BUT DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO BE A "YES MAN" JUST BECAUSE YOU NAMED ME TO YOUR CABINET (There are rings around Uranus)

I HAVE NOT CHANNELED FOREIGN AID INTO PERSONAL PROPERTY (The objet d'art and Swiss bank account belong to my wife)

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE FATAL CIRCUMSTANCES SURROUNDING MY OPPONENT'S WITHDRAWAL FROM THE RACE (Ooops, you caught me!)

I'M CERTAIN THE ELECTION WAS CONDUCTED IN A LEGAL AND ORDERLY FASHION (Those consulting Chicago aldermen that I hired sure know how to turn terror and murder into useful polling tools)

THE COUNCIL OF BISHOPS HAS ALWAYS SIDED WITH THE OPPOSITION (Now that I've won, they're dead meat!)

THERE IS NO CHANCE OF CIVIL WAR IN THE PHILIPPINES (Please tell Baby Doc to send me his address when he finds a home)

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR DEVELOPING AND NURTURING THE MOST RESPECTABLE DEMOCRACY TO EMERGE IN THE 20TH CENTURY (Somoza, Amin, Pahlavi, Hitler, Franco, Peron, Stalin, Ky and the Reverend Jim Jones have nothing on me)

ZIP Beep #19
JAY LENO INTERVIEW

(Jay Leno has the ability to help us see life's trivialities for what they are. Evil twins run rampant. Dogs live for hundreds of years. A person's sex can be identified by whether s/he reveres The Three Stooges. It's all right there in front of us. And while Leno had little to do with creating the world he describes, his world view includes many scenes we recognize. This interview, made available to ZIP Beep through the courtesy of Scott Hansen's Comedy Gallery, shows us a little more of a sane man on a crazy planet. Anybody who has seen him on one of his many network TV appearances -- Saturday Night Live, Late Night With David Letterman, The Tonight Show and others -- will readily recognize Leno's style. The rest of you should watch for an opportunity to hear his voice and appreciate his unique delivery for yourselves.--ED)

ZB:
For the benefit of those who can't see you, could you describe what you're wearing?

JL:
Oh, a fabulous Givency outfit, with Bill Blass facial applications -- no, it's the regular clothes. You mean what I have on?

ZB:
Yeah.

JL:
Well, it's just a sports jacket. It's kind of looney. Stuff is funny, you know, when you're in show business. You kind of wear silly stuff, and that's, uh --

ZB:
It gives you a good chance to give trouble to other people, and other people give you trouble, and --

JL:
Yeah, it's funny, you know, like Jerry Seinfeld and I have a running feud now on Letterman. He makes fun of my clothes and I make fun of his Yuppie-ism, you know, and we have a good time.

ZB:
Did you see the article that said you taught Letterman how to be funny?

JL:
Naw, I don't ... I think that's going a ways. I mean, I first met David when he came into the Comedy Store to audition. And I always thought he was good. I never aspired to take any credit for anything like that. I mean, it never even occured to me. It was very nice of him to say that, but I think he's being extremely modest. It's just that we had similar styles. David was just starting and I had been doing it for a few years before David, so I think it was just like, "Oh, I see," you know, since we had a similar kind of attitude. It wasn't as if I sat down with the boy and taught him anything.

ZB:
Well, he had the book come out first anyway.

JL:
Yeah, there you go.

ZB:
Is that something you have planned?

JL:
The book?

ZB:
A book. A book by you, a book about you. You know, Joe Piscopo gets to be a star, suddenly there's a Joe Piscopo book --

JL:
Is there a Letterman book out? Oh, yeah, there's a Late Night book, but that's not like "Dave's life as a boy in Indiana" or anything like that.

ZB:
Now, I don't want to ask you "What's your beef?" or --

JL:
Yeah, you know, you can't really do routines in an interview.

ZB:
Yeah, and it's nice that it seems like you're not as inclined to just pick up a hook and playing with that until --

JL:
Well, yeah, you know, the thing about having a hook is that you eventually wind up hanging yourself with it. I mean, a hook is good because it gets you to the top fairly quickly, but then people get tired of a hook. If you're always The Guy From Space, then -- You know, I think it's like Bill Dana was Jose Jemeniz, which was very good for a while, but then people get -- you know, they don't want to see Bill Dana, they jsut want to see Jose Jemeniz. I think that can sometimes be a problem. Because Bill Dana is a very funny guy to talk to, but most people just go, "Oh, do Jose Jemeniz!" Murray Langston got in trouble with The Unknown Comic. He'd come out as The Unknown Comic and people would scream. And he'd take the bag off his head, do the same act, and people would go, "Put the bag on!!!" You know, like, why? It's the same act! So sometimes a hook can be a dangerous thing.

ZB:
Was there anything you ever hesitated to do, and then just went ahead and did it and regreted it later?

JL:
Oh, yeah! You know, that's the way you learn. I mean, if I hesitate to do anything, I'll do it at a comedy club where I'm trying out new jokes. And you come here [to a major auditorium], people are paying this kind of dough, they don't want you to stand up there with a sheet of paper and go, "Uhm, okay, what do you think of this? Okay, what do you think of this?" You know, you can't -- You follow a certain sensibility that the people expect. I mean, people like to stay in a particular train of thought. A lot of times, I'll see young comics and they'll jump all over. In one joke, their wife's a nymphomaniac. In the next joke, their wife is frigid. Next joke, she has sex with a hundred people. Next joke, she has a headache -- I mean, make up your mind. What is your attitude? Where are you coming from? What are you talking about? You have to set a standard and stick with it. If you've said one thing, then contradict yourself two or three jokes later, people go, "Hey, wait a minute." They're suspending disbelief as it is. But when you take it to a point where it becomes completely incredible, then the audience gets suspicious. That's why comics who just do jokes rise and fall on every joke. People laugh, and then they do another joke and people go, "Boooo-ooooohhh." Because they're just listening to the joke, they're not following you or a characterization, they're just rolling with every joke you happen to be telling. But when you get people in a certain style -- like, a lot of what I do isn't jokes, it's just attitude. You get people in front of you and you say, "I go into the STORE --" and right away people kind of smile because they know something believable but slightly exaggerated happened in the store. If I said something completely riduculous, it wouldn't work. I had an experience like that. Someone gave me a drug joke once, and I don't do drugs, and I don't talk about drugs. And I just threw this drug joke into my act. And it got a laugh, but at the end of the show somebody wanted an autograph and the guy said, "What was that drug joke? It doesn't sound like one of your jokes." The guy picked the only joke out of my act that wasn't mine. Since that time, I realized you've got to stick with something that's fairly original, or at least true to your original concept.

ZB:
You're nice and straightforward in all of your approaches, so --

JL:
Yeah, I mean, that's just MY attitude. What works for me doesn't work for somebody else and visa versa.

ZB:
Well, I've been wondering, who's your favorite holiday figure? Like Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny, or --

JL:
My favorite holiday figure?

ZB:
Yeah, do you have somebody you admire more than --

JL:
Uh, Nietzsche! Nietzsche, I think, is my best holiday figure. Nietzsche good --

ZB:
And the national Nietzsche holiday that you celebrate --

JL:
Yeah, the kind that if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. What better holiday can there be than that? This is certainly an indepth interview, I must say.

ZIP Beep #19
ONLINE SPEEDREADING SEMINAR

Hello, and welcome to the wonderful and fascinating world of Online Speedreading.

Most speedreading courses promise to help you read faster. So it is with Online Speedreading as taught by the Institute For Online National Learning & Yearning (IFONLY).

But Online Speedreading goes far beyond that. Through our courses, you will discover how to receive data faster using standard phone lines and modems, how to reach all sorts of normally unreachable data banks, how to telecommunicate using your mind as a modem, and much, much more.

This seminar is the first lesson in an open-ended series of courses. The seminar is free. There is absolutely no cost for the information it presents, and no obligation to continue the course. However, we feel confident that you will wish to purchase further lessons at the amazingly low cost of only $250 each. After just 13 courses, you will know all you need to perform the fantastic feats listed in the previous paragraph. Another 13 courses will enable you to communicate with anyone who has died within the last 4 years. Another 13 courses and you'll be able to talk with L. Ron Hubbard. Each series of 13 courses takes you another step toward Nirvana. In most cases, Online Speedreaders actually reach Nirvana shortly before they die, or shortly after they have emptied their bank accounts, whichever comes first.

The free introductory seminar contains just one exercise. After you experience the lesson, it will be possible for you to receive data at a baud rate so high that we don't even want to take the time to enter all of the zeroes necessary to name it.

Are you ready? Then let's begin.

First, you must relax. Clear your mind. Float with the feeling. Think pleasant thoughts -- a walk in the meadow -- springtime -- puppies -- balloons at the fair -- a 1955 Buick -- natural fabrics -- -- -- -- -- -- --

There. Now you're perfectly relaxed, aren't you? Sure you are.

Don't close your eyes. Stay relaxed. Look at the screen. Don't blink. Now,

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Now, slowly stretch your arms. You have just received a valuable summary of American History roughly equal to the information found in a 500-page textbook. Of course, it doesn't cover every aspect of the subject. And some of the information may already be known to you. But there are many new facts lurking in your brain now, waiting to come to your aid when necessary. You don't remember receiving them? Not to worry. That's the real wonder of this process. It's mysterious, but take our word for it, the whole thing is there in your mind.

Amazing, isn't it? And that was just a sample. By now, you're probably asking, "How can I continue learning about this wonderful new process?"

(If you are not wondering this, chances are you're mentally deficient. You would be well advised to consult a medical specialist. Or, better still, send for our course on improving your weak, disgusting, pea-sized brain. It's just $3000 prepaid, and worth every penny. Any doubts you may have are symptomatic of your pathological need for help.)

You can continue advancing to new mental planes by divesting yourself of all ties to worldly possessions, especially money. We will be glad to help. For the next lesson in Online Speedreading, send your check for $250 to IFONLY, Box 21243, Minneapolis, MN 55424. We will rush the lesson to you. When you have finished it, you can begin Lesson 3 almost immediately! It will be on your doorstep, along with an invoice for another $250. (Federal law requires us to point out that you are obligated to pay for every lesson sent to you within 1 week of receiving it, but that's just a formality. Don't worry. Most of our collection agents can be quite gentle.)

Now is the time to send your money to us. Right now! Not tomorrow, not next week, Now! Do it! Stop wasting time! We're busy people, and we know you are, too. So send the money in now. No stamps, please. Hurry, or you'll never forgive yourself, and we won't forgive you, either. Because we don't forgive jerks who don't know what's good for them. So stop wasting time. Just do it! NOW! We are your friends. Give us your money. Hurry.

ZIP Beep #19
VIETLAND - A THEME PARK FOR THE 80's
by Don Fitzwater

The following is the first in a series of scripts to be presented in ZIP Beep's Half-Acked Theater program. It is intended to help America's youth learn more about subjects in our recent past -- the kind of subjects that are not so contemporary as to be part of the average high school student's personal experience, and not so old as to be treated in American History class before the end of the year, when teachers typically cover the entire 20th century in a few periods. All rights to this script are retained by its author, who has graciously agreed to allow its performance in high school drama classes, non-profit religious camps, and other gatherings that won't get in the way of his career. Please ask for his permission before using the script -- you can leave a message to Don Fitzwater on the Corkboard, in T-Mail, or leave a message for him at Belly Laffs c/o the Mandarin Yen restaurant.

(LIGHTS UP TO SHOW TWO PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JUNGLE CLEARING)

(SFX: JUNGLE NOISES THROUGHOUT PLAY)

CRACKERS:
This is Graham Crackers. I'm at a rather unusual amusement area somewhere in the southeastern portion of the United States. It's known as VietLand. Right now, I'm standing knee-deep in a rice paddy. And with me is the general manager of VietLand, Mr. Walter Armory. Walt, could you tell us what is taking place right now?

ARMORY:
Sure, Graham. Right now, we're on what we call a "Search And Destroy Weekend" down here.

CRACKERS:
Uh huh.

ARMORY:
In just a few minutes, a whole platoon of couples, mostly young marrieds, are going to be moving on into the rice paddy in hopes of surprising and trapping a squad of Viet Cong.

CRACKERS:
Walt, there have been some charges leveled at you that you're trying to "cash in" on the recent nostalgia craze over Viet Nam -- the PBS series, Time-Life Books, just to name a few examples. How do you respond to these allegations?

ARMORY:
Well, let me clear that up right away, Graham. You see, what PBS and Time-Life are doing is just exploiting the historical aspects of Viet Nam. All of it is just dry historical facts. The PBS series, well, uh -- all that bombing and shooting and strafing, you know -- well, that was all just film. We're into the real thing here. Also, if I might add, the PBS thing is totally noncommercial, whereas I think there are a few bucks to be made out of the Viet Nam experience.

CRACKERS:
Walt, I know you've got real Vietnamese living in your villages here. But how about the Viet Cong? Who are they?

ARMORY:
Well, that's quite another story here, you understand. Now, the South Vietnamese here are too proud, of course, to play the Viet Cong. And frankly, I don't blame them.

CRACKERS:
They're personally involved, I suppose.

ARMORY:
Of course. So what we decided to do -- I don't know if it was such a good idea, now that I look at it in retrospect -- but we bussed about 1500 inner-city kids in here --

CRACKERS:
Bussed them?

ARMORY:
Yeah, right. We put black pajamas on them, we pay them minimum wage -- keepin' them off the streets, you know.

CRACKERS:
I see. How is it working out?

ARMORY:
Well, I'd say it is a limited success.

CRACKERS:
A limited success? Ah, heh heh, you're talking a bit like a politician. Uh, what's that supposed to mean?

ARMORY:
Well, uh, it isn't working out at all, actually. It's a bit embarassing, but, um --

CRACKERS:
Go on.

ARMORY:
Well, Graham, the nub of the thing is that the kids are supposed to lose these fire fights with my Search And Destroy couples and, well, uh, -- well, they're feisty little devils.

CRACKERS:
Just like the Viet Cong, I suppose?

ARMORY:
Yeah, I was just about to say that myself. I'll tell you frankly, I'm a little sorry I ever hired them in the first place.

CRACKERS:
Why's that?

ARMORY:
They launched a rocket attack on my R and R area last night.

CRACKERS:
Just a second. R and R?

ARMORY:
Rest and recreation. Anyway, last night the little hoods -- well, they blew the place up, they killed all my vendors, they made off with most of my supplies -- it's disgusting!

CRACKERS:
Have you made any attempt to talk to these kids?

ARMORY:
Aw, you can't talk to these runts. They're only twelve and thirteen years old, you know. I've flown over the area a few times, I've dropped leaflets, I had Bob Hope in here a couple of weeks ago -- But at that age, the kids are really unruly. They've already killed most of the Vietnamese living here.

CRACKERS:
That's terrible!

ARMORY:
Yeah, the rest of them fled up the road, took their water buffaloes, you know, and now they're clogging all the freeways around here, the motels -- it's an ugly, ugly scene. I've got a lotta problems.

CRACKERS:
I'm a little embarassed to bring this up just now, but I understand you have an MIA problem?

ARMORY:
Yeah, uh, that's one of them. Um, there's one poor guy, a druggist from Chicago, who managed to escape. He came crawling in here last week in terrible shape. Poor guy's wife and kids are still out there somewhere. And he refuses to leave. I'm stuck with him. He's earning money, I gotta admire him for that, he's earning money by making these little bracelets with the names of those who are still missing.

CRACKERS:
Uh, right.

ARMORY:
And he's selling them for five dollars a piece.

CRACKERS:
Yeah, well, uh, Walt, we've got to wrap this up right now. Where does VietLand go from here?

ARMORY:
Oh, I don't know -- frankly, I'd just as soon go out of business. I tell ya, this thing has taken a terrible toll on my health.

CRACKERS:
I can imagine.

ARMORY:
I'm averaging four or five hours of sleep a night.

CRACKERS:
That's too bad.

ARMORY:
I mean, I get up at six o'clock in the morning, I open the place -- the kids, well, the kids have killed off most of the help. I'm working 'til all hours of the night, I haven't been to a movie in months --

CRACKERS:
That is discouraging, I imagine.

ARMORY:
I don't know, what can I say -- Listen, listen, I had the best of intentions! The kids, they're multiplying like rabbits out there, I don't know what they're doing. They're coming in from all over the country, bus loads and bus loads of them, day after day. They're taking over more territory. I'd love to get out of here, but I've had to escalate my efforts fantastically --

CRACKERS:
Escalate?!!!? Now, what do you mean by that?

ARMORY:
Well, I cut back on using the couples, right? Last week, I had American Legionaires coming in here. These guys, forty or fifty, sometimes sixty years old, they last fought in the Second World War in France. They're going in there with cigarettes, candy bars, and nylons, trying to get the kids to come out. I'm at a loss right now.

CRACKERS:
That is rather bad. I can see that --

(SFX: YELLING AND GUNFIRE)

ARMORY:
Wait a minute. Here they come! We'd better get out of here. You know, I was talking to some Korean group the other night about coming over here. Austrailians, I've been talking to them, too. But I tell ya, I do want to keep the place American.

(BLACKOUT)

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