ZIP Beep #20
COMMUKILL BILL INTRODUCED

While America's attention to foreign policy (such as it is) has been focused on aid to the Contras in Nicaragua, another controversy has gone virtually unreported.

Congress is considering legislation to kill all communists everywhere.

President Reagan, who is in favor of the bill, has been quietly lobbying for it while taking a more public stand on the issue of aid to the Contras. But now that the latter has been defeated in Congress, Reagan is going public.

"You're either for the Commukill Bill," Reagan said in a recent cloakroom meeting, "or you are against America. Not only that, you're against all of humanity if you don't support the Commukill Bill. You probably are against puppies and small children, too. And chances are good that you are a disgusting, pinheaded, slovenly dufas, and you never brush your teeth."

Details of the bill are just emerging as this article goes online. But it is known that it entails an expenditure of over $400 billion. The money would be used to fund a group of anticommunists spread around the world. The group, known as Super Soldiers (or SS troops), plans to knock off known or suspected Communists wherever they can be found.

A leader of the SS, who calls himself Heinrich, spoke to ZIP Beep recently. "We are definitely on the move," he said. "Already, we're sneaking into countries across the globe. Anyone who is a Communist, sympathizes with Communists, or even looks like a Communist is in trouble. This includes Socialists, people living in kibbutzim and many Democrats."

Heinrich claims his troops have learned their craft from the best. "We spent a lot of time studying at the University of Libya, most of us majoring in freedom fighting. Then some of us went on to postgraduate work at camps in the wildest parts of Arkansas and Louisiana. That doesn't mean we are Libyans, Arkansans or Louisianans. In fact, we plan to return to those locations to pick off a few of the instructors we didn't like, particularly the ones that made us live communally in barracks."

Reagan justifies his support for the SS troops by citing the Monroe Doctrine. "I know that's supposed to apply to the western hemisphere alone," he said, "but gosh darn it anyhow, there are Communists all over the world and I think it's time we put a stop to all of them. We're even working to stop the spread of Communism in Viet Nam. This may come as a surprise to you, and I may be premature in announcing this, but the fact is we know where most of our MIAs are. They're working their way up through the ranks of the Vietnamese government, pretending to be defectors. I hope I'm not betraying any confidences in saying that, but I guess I think it's dang well about time those guys started earning their back pay. If they don't move soon, we'll have to eliminate them and cut off their benefits. Nobody in THIS administration wants that. So they'd better get moving if they know what's good for them."

Heinrich and the President have never met face to face. But their views are the same. "Viet Nam was an American disaster," Heinrich said. "It was handled all wrong. For instance, there were precious few attempts to discredit the Communists. They were the enemy, pure and simple. If the Nixon administration had been smart about it, they would have followed through with their plan to bomb the Capitol building in Washington, blame the Communists, then declare martial law and replace the bleeding hearts in Congress with tougher members. After all, that's how the degenerate Weimar Republic was ended. I know the Nazis were supposed to be pretty bad, but at least we -- Imean, at least they got that part right. Communists is Communists, no matter what they call themselves. Whether they're leading Latin American countries, Mediterranean countries, or Scandinavian countries, they must all be eliminated."

Heinrich refused to comment when asked if his group was responsible for the assassination of Olof Palme. "All I'll say is that's a step in the right direction," he said.

Meanwhile, there is evidence that some legislators against the Commukill Bill are secretly compiling information about life in Nicaragua. While the group does not support the present government in that country, its members plan to confront Reagan with his own formula for measuring the quality of life there. This "misery index" is said to be a ratio of the inflation rate, the unemployment rate, and the random death rate. When the study is complete, the legislators plan to go public with it by pointing out the contrast between life under the Somoza and Ortega regimes. They hope to be alive when the figures are finalized.

The Reagan administration is aware of the plan, but seems undisturbed by it. "They're just another bunch of Commies," he said, "and they'll get theirs one way or another. They can throw all of the facts and figures at us, but we know how to hit the voting public where it lives. We know how to make the most of an issue. We know how to work the crowds. Very soon, we plan to require all of our supporters -- that is, every decent American -- to wear brown shirts and join in the fight against Communists on an individual level. If there's a known or suspected Communist living on your street, you will be expected to do your part by joining with your neighbors and burning the Commies out of their homes. The police have special instructions to ignore all violent actions by any large group of people wearing brown shirts. We'll save democracy, even if we have to destroy everyone who opposes our views. Because when you get right down to it, we're right and they're wrong."

When asked for a final comment summarizing his planned tactics, Reagan thought for a moment, then had this to say:

"Well, John Kennedy was a great man, and he may have even had my vote, for all I remember. I think he would agree with me when I say, Ich bin ein Contra."

ZIP Beep #20
SINCE ONE DAY EVERY PERSON
by Sally O'Gilbertson & Mick Hahdo

Since one day every person shall be forced to prove his worth,

I have a data base. I have a data base

Of people who we all would like to see beneath the earth.

And no one would miss their face. Nobody'd miss their face.

There's the guy that says enhancements will be ready Real Soon Now. And designers of computers that work slowly as a cow. All the people who content themselves with things that they have got. And the ones who always wish they had the things that they have not. And the software writer out there with the pseudonym of "Ace." He's on the data base. And no one will miss his face.

He's on the data base. He's on the data base. And no one will miss his face. No one will miss his face.

There's the guy who first determined "hacker" is a dirty word. He's on the data base. Nobody'd miss his face. And the many who embraced the feelings stated by this nerd. And others of his race. They're on the data base.

All the children who can show you what you feel you should have known. The chances are these children will be never fully grown.

And country folks who blame computers even though they know that a chip is like a seed and you can reap but what you sow.

And the boor who says computers are a symbol of His grace. No one will miss his face. So he's on the data base.

No one will miss his face. No one will miss his face. So he's on the data base. He's on the data base.

And the many who refuse to join the information age. They will not keep apace. No one will miss their face.

And each humorist who feels his work's the thinking of a sage. He's on the data base. He's on the data base.

All the hardware manufacturers who don't know when to go. Such as Whatchacallit, Thingamabob and likewise -- well, you know. Each makes a box, sells several, then it from the market yanks.

But I'd rather leave it up to you to fill in all the blanks.

And it really doesn't matter who goes on the data base. For no one would miss his face. No one would miss his face.

Put them on the data base. Put them on the data base. And nobody'd miss their face. No one would miss their face.

ZIP Beep #20
THE REVERSE DOMINO THEORY

It took a Peoples' Revolution to remove Ferdinand Marcos from the Philippine government. Filipinos showed a remarkable (even amazing) amount of resolve and good sense in their determination to give their country a second chance at democracy.

But all is not well. The Old Guard lurks on the horizon. A core group of generals and former generals are mustering their forces.

The Reagan administration has met this dilemma with its usual penchant for using a slightly-out-of-step approach to the problem.

Spokesman Larry Geeks has announced the creation of an "alternative to the new Philippines." An as yet uncertain location will be the site of a country slated to be given over to the people who were the power behind Marcos.

There is some evidence that the new country will be "succeeded" to Marcos's cronies, leading to speculation that Marcos is curerently scouting possible sites for Presidential palaces on Ohahu.

"It would be great," said an unnamed source who aggreed to speak to ZIP Beep on the condition we didn't refer to him by his real name, which is Renaldo Digera. "We'll all be back together again, keeping the world safe from the people we don't like."

Some analysts have gone so far as to suggest that Nicaragua will be the eventual destination to what is already being referred to as the "reverse domino theory."

Plenty of speculation about the name of this new country is floating about the international grapevine. Some of Marcos's cronies have supported a name meant to underscore their determination to make their new home safe from Communism. However, a strong contingent is known to be backing a name suggested by Marcos himself. As many of us saw on national news broadcasts recently, the Marcos family has a knack for trivializing the most important human emotions. "Feelings" and "We are the World" lead their hit parade. Ferdinand has taken this another step, like a runaway McDonald's ad man.

His name for the country led by his Old Guard is "Philippines Classic."

"Philipines Classic is for that large group of people who resent the change in The Philippines," said Digera. "We all want to return to the old government. There was nothing wrong with it. In fact, we were all very happy. Why change it for something with such a questionable performance in test markets?"

Can the world support two Philippines -- the "New" and the "Classic?" It is yet to be seen. But, surprisingly, the Reagan administration has quietly leaked a study believed to be a trial balloon for a continuation of the spread of the Philippine domino. The report suggests new names for several other countries. Certain sectors of Columbia will be called "Philippine Decaffinated," Ethopia may be referred to as "Diet Philippines", and some part of the world may be known to future generations as "Cherry Philippines."

When asked about this, Geeks declined the opportunity to confirm or deny the existance of the report. But he did suggest that the idea of naming a country in order to shape its future was held in esteem in the White House.

"We know we can't make the world over in our image," Geeks told reporters. "But we do want to make it as American as possible in subtle, noncompromising ways. Troubled regions of the world, such as Hawaii, for an offbeat example -- it has a high crime rate, you know -- must be made to conform with our image of justice and liberty for all. Renaming them is not a bad way to accomplish our purpose."

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