ZIP Beep #21
WARNER BROTHERS ANNOUNCES A NEW CARTOON CHARACTER
By Don Fitzwater

(Alternate Universe News Service 4/20/86 -- 09:00 pst) Warner Brothers communications announced today that they would be reopening Looney Tunes, their long dormant cartoon production division. In their surprise press conference early this morning animation department head Charles (Chuck) Jones was quoted as saying,"With the world political situation deteriorating like it is, we thought that it was time to bring back some animation that adults could enjoy. After all, laughter is a great way to escape the stress of global politics."

Jones continued to explain that all the old favorites would be coming back into the line-up, with one exception. Bugs, Porky, Foghorn Leghorn, the Coyote and the Road Runner all will be back in the comedy trenches. Daffy Duck, however will be conspicuously absent.

"We felt that Daffy's character was in for a major overhaul," Jones was heard to remark.Jones went on to say that Daffy was going to be replaced by a new character, one who would be "more in line with today's realities. We needed a believable "crazy" character, one that could easily hold his own with the huge collection of strange ducks that pass for world leaders nowadays." With that said, Jones then unveiled the new star in the Warner Brothers firmament...Khadaffi Duck.

Jones said that this was probably the easiest character to create in his entire career. "When you start out with a dynamite role model like Muomar Khadaffi, and mix him with a previously well established "looney" like Daffy, you're bound to get a winning product." Khadaffi Duck's co-star in his first feature release will be none other than that cartoon superstar, Bugs Bunny. Pre-release details are skimpy, but it appears that the plot will seem quite familiar to long time cartoon fans. Bugs, after missing the right turn in Albuquerque, winds up in an unnamed but very familiar foreign country, where he proceeds to totally frustrate and destroy its fanatical leader, played by Khadaffi Duck. While this reporter is still eagerly awaiting the press screening, White House sources close to the President say that the President was "Laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.", at the White House screening earlier this week. Sources went on to say that the President was seriously considering awarding Bugs with the medal of honor for his part in the downfall of this "Barbaric bully who deserved every indignity that Bugs inflicted on him."

Jones said that due to the current military actions taken against Libya, the release date was being pushed up. Said Jones,"It wouldn't be very funny if the real life Khadaffi were to be destroyed before Bugs did in his cartoon counterpart."

In a related news item, Walt Disney studios announced the release of a new full-length animated feature film entitled, SLEEPING TREATY, starring an all new character named Mickhail Mouse. The part of the two-gun cowboy will be played by Goofy.

ZIP Beep #21
LASALLE CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL OF PUNK ROCK LYRICISM
By Don Fitzwater

Are you stuck in a dull, dead-end job? Do you want a future but you're not willing to work for it? Can you string monosyllabic words together in meaningless order?

If you weren't coherent enough to answer even one of these questions, you may have a rich and rewarding career awaiting you in the exciting field of Punk Rock music.

That's right. There's a serious shortage of Punk Rock musicians. With the glut of revival rockabilly, power pop, and so called "new music", the demand for Punk Rock musicians has never been greater -- or more repulsive.

And you can capitalize on it today. The LaSalle Correspondence School of Punk Rock Lyricism has just the course for you. Even if you've never spit on an audience before, even if you've never driven a ten-penny spike up your nose, even if you've been playing guitar all your life, you can STILL excel in the fun and sometimes fatal world of Punk Rock music.

Don't be left high and dry and all washed up when the next new wave passes you by. Enroll now. Just send $9.95 and your left ear to:

PUNK
C/O ZIP Beep
Box 21243
Minneapolis, MN 55124

Act now! The life you take could be your own!

ZIP Beep #21
911 -- THE EMERGENCY IS GREATER THAN YOU THINK
By Don Fitzwater (From an original idea by L.K.Schmidt)

[Editor's comments: Much has been made of the problems with the 911 system, balky operators, slow response time, high operating costs, etc. But here at ZIP Beep we have recently uncovered some interesting tape transcriptions between one caller and what was, perhaps, a slightly over enthusiastic operator. We hope this transcript will prove informative in case of dire need.]

911:
911 emergncy. Please state your emergency.

CALLER:
I've got an injured thumb.

911:
Injured thumb, eh? You must have severed it with a power tool. And now it's dangling by a single strand of flesh. Stay right where you are. I'll send an ambulance right away!

CALLER:
Well, I didn't actually cut the thumb off.

911:
Ahh...you've given it a nasty gash clear through to the bone. I'll bet you're fighting back the pain even as we speak. I'll send the paramedics right away!

CALLER:
I can't say that it went straight through to the bone exactly.

911:
Oh, you nicked the bone, didn't you? Nicked it good.

CALLER:
Not nicked necessarily.

911:
But you did draw blood, I'll bet. A real gusher. Soaked through your best monogrammed hankie and now a thick crimson pool is forming where you stand.

CALLER:
There's not much blood, sorry.

911:
You did break the skin, though. You'll need a tetanus shot and half a dozen stiches you'll be laid up for a week, maybe two.

CALLER:
No, no stiches.

911:
You bruised it. Could be more serious than it looks. Internal injuries and all that.

CALLER:
No, it's still pink and lifelike.

911:
You've got a friction burn. Very painful, friction burns!

CALLER:
No burn.

911:
A boil then?

CALLER:
No.

911:
Sliver?

CALLER:
No.

911:
Wart?

CALLER:
No.

911:
Garden variety zit?

CALLER:
No.

911:
Hangnail?

CALLER:
No.

911:
An imbedded wood-tick?

CALLER:
Not really.

911:
Well, what then!?

CALLER:
Ahh, I sort of hit it with a hammer.

911:
YOU MASHED IT WITH A HAMMER!?!?!

CALLER:
Well, "mashed" is probably too strong of a word, but it's close.

911:
YOU'RE CALLING 911 FOR A DAMN SORE THUMB?!?!?

CALLER:
Well...it does hurt...some.

911:
I OUGHT TO GIVE YOU A SOUND THRASHING!!!!!!

CALLER:
That's hardly valid medical advice, is it?

911:
OK, take two asprins and SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE HEAD, PUTZ!

[CALLER DISCONNECTED FROM SYSTEM]

ZIP Beep #21
THE FAST FOOD PRAYER
By Don Fitzwater


Our cheeseburger, which art in the wrapper,

Hollow calories be thy calories.

Thy meat be done, on Sesame bun,

In fact, as it is in commercials.

Give us this day, our daily dose

Of additives and meat by-products.

And forgive us our bad manners,

As we forgive those who short-change against us.

And lead us blind into malnutrition,

But deliver us from hunger.

With ketchup, mustard and relish for ever and ever...



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