ZIP Beep #22
POWER TO THE PEABRAINED

Here in America, anybody can run for President. That's the beauty of the system.

Unfortunately, the press generally ignores all but the front runners. Fringe candidates receive little or no publicity. In most cases, that's bad for them. Then there are the LaRouche candidates. Poor publicity helped a couple of them win places on the Illinois Democratic Party ticket.

LaRouche followers are now known to be a disparate group of individuals with widely differing ideas. In this respect, they are not unlike the Nazi Party in its Weimar Republic days. But it seems that a few former LaRouchies were not pleased with their opportunities, and chose to form their own party. Although this new group says it wants to disassociate itself from LaRouche, the candidates have chosen to rally around a shadowy figure who is known as Myron LaDouche. Thus was the LaDouche Party formed. In an effort to give them the kind of publicity they deserve, ZIP Beep is bringing them to your attention here, so that you may draw your own conclusions about them.

The size of the LaDouche Party is not known, and it's unclear how many people are running on the party's ticket. In all likelihood, the number of supporters is probably the same as the number of candidates. Rather than attempt to catalog them all, we have decided to focus on the LaDouche Party candidates for President and Vice President -- Perry Noid and I. D. Ott.

Noid is of French extraction. Ott's family originally came from Germany. A western European ancestry seems to be about the only quality they share. This hasn't stopped them from running together. We met them at a small midwestern airport, where they were handing out quantities of literature packaged in a plastic sack commonly called a LaDouche bag.

Noid espouses the belief that World War I and World War II were never fought. Both were figments of the imagination spawned by drugs that were released into the ocean by Germans. These hallucinogens spread more quickly than had been anticipated. According to Noid, a clever plan to incapacitate the world population went out of control. The Germans themselves ingested the drugs. From 1914 until 1918, people the world over came to believe they were fighting a "Great War." A relatively calm period followed, then a ship carrying a supply of the drug sank off the coast of England sometime in the thirties. It was more than a decade before people regained their senses. A small group of world leaders escaped this tragedy, saw the need to perfect and control the drug, and went on to form the United Nations.

Ott says he doesn't want to argue until he is in power and something can be done about his running mate, but he is certain both wars were fought. However, he believes the world's water supply was poisoned just after the turn of the century by ashes from the cigars of King Edward VII. "Most people think Edward died in 1910," he says, "but I know he's still alive and living in the Caribbean under the name of Fidel Castro." Asked for proof, Ott says, "I don't have to prove anything! It's a fact! That's all there is to it! Are you insane, or what?"

Ott is unwilling to explain what good this has done the English monarchy. All he'll say is that there's no way to understand the reasons behind the actions of communist drug pushers like Queen Elizabeth II. "And there's the 55 mph speed limit, too," he told us. "That's another plot to take away our natural freedoms. Why else would the speed limit be made up of two fives -- the most notorious single digit in history. It's half way between one and ten. It looks funny. A nickle ain't worth nothing these days, is it? IS IT??? The world is full of evil, and it's all the fault of England. And France. France is just as bad."

Noid blames the Germans for the 55 mph speed limit, but also does not wish to argue with his running mate. "I'll take care of him later," he told us.

ZIP Beep #22
CHICKEN KIEV

Preheat cooker to 5000 degrees.
Bone and skin breasts, cut in halves and pound to 1/4-inch thickness.
Form 800 Uzbeks into 1/2 lb butterballs.
Roll butterballs lightly in a mixture of:


		--20 units enriched Urnaium

		--30 units graphite

		--(1 minced garlic - optional)

		--1/2 acre saltmarsh

Place mixture into uncontained reactor, increase heat steadily until butterballs completely melted with core. Quickly add large quantities of water to explode and spread core. Cook at least 36 hours before notifying local residents. Remove contents, roll in dried bread crumbs, release into atmosphere. Serves populations of Ukraine, eastern Europe and greater Scandinavia.

ZIP Beep #22
JERRY SEINFELD INTERVIEW

(Jerry Seinfeld looks normal. He acts normal. He talks about normal things we know and understand. And he wonders about common things like cotton balls. What are they for? Who uses them? And what will we tell our children about the good old days -- now -- that will impress them? "You know," he says as if talking to his grandchild, "when I was young, dogs couldn't vote! We kept them on leashes. Nobody thought anything about it. That's just the way it was." While comics like Emo Phillips and Pee Wee Herman give us personality humor, Seinfeld lives by his wit. Once again, ZIP Beep thanks Scott Hansen for allowing us to present an exchange with one of America's top stand-up comedians, which began when we found Seinfeld playing with two magnetic plastic dogs like those you probably had or wanted when you were a kid.--ED)

JS:
"Spunky Dogs. They attract and repel. Caution: Small parts. Not recommended for children under 3 years old."

ZB:
You want to explain what those are?

JS:
These little black and white Scotty magnet dogs, and you can get them at your local bowling alley. They're in the vending machine and they're never sold out. They're the only item NEVER sold out at the vending machine in your local bowling alley. I don't know why.

ZB:
Me neither. Well, is there anything else in particular that you want to talk about?

JS:
That's it. I gotta go now.

ZB:
Okay. Well, it's really been nice.

JS:
Thank you. And remember, get your black and white Scotty magnet dogs while supplies last.

ZB:
A paid political announcement.

JS:
For Lyndon LaRouche. He believes that black and white Scotty magnet dogs are the cause of the nuclear disaster in the Soviet Union. Because one of them was misplaced. It upset the other one and caused the nuclear reaction.

ZB:
They were not contained.

JS:
That's right.

ZB:
It's Dog Kiev on the menu tonight.

JS:
The jokes are out already.

ZB:
I'm sure. By the time this is aired, anyway.

JS:
When is this aired?

ZB:
Probably some time from now.

JS:
I guess right now. We're on the air right now!

ZB:
There's an antenna on top of the hotel here.

JS:
Even though this was done weeks ... maybe years ago. One of us could be dead now.

ZB:
That's very likely. As somebody is listening to this, one of us is either dead, or extremely unsuccessful in life.

JS:
That's right.

ZB:
Well, tell me a little bit about who you like.

JS:
I like you.

ZB:
Oh, jeeze, I don't know, is that door locked?

JS:
Yes, and there are police outside.

ZB:
Well, I guess I'll have to cooperate.

JS:
You mean which comedians I like?

ZB:
Yes.

JS:
I like Jay a lot. Jay Leno. Jay and I are good friends. He always makes me laugh. I like David Letterman. I think he's extremely comedically humorous. And I like Bill Cosby, Robert Klein -- favorites of mine. Uh, oh. Technical problems?

ZB:
No, no. Not a bit.

JS:
You're looking at that thing like ... whooooaaa --

ZB:
I'm looking at it like I don't trust it, which is true. I don't think it's picking me up, but that's just as well.

JS:
Yes, so, uh, that's who I like.

ZB:
You and Leno seem to have a real good bit going, kind of like Benny and Allen and all those other great old fights, things like that.

JS:
(Laughs) Yeah, that was the idea, we wanted to be like those old guys.

ZB:
You sat down and said, "What can we do to gain favor in the comedic gods' eyes?" And that was it, right?

JS:
Well, it wasn't even -- He just did it, he started it, and I said, "This will be funny." And so we kept doing it. He talks about me on Letterman and I talk about him.

ZB:
You guys have a real compatible kind of humor. Neither one of you wear funny hats -- well, Jay wears funny clothes --

JS:
Yes.

ZB:
-- other than that --

JS:
I think he gets a lot of those laughs with that tie. When the material falls down, that tie just saves every joke.

ZB:
The rayon tie to the rescue. Well, you're more of a -- you know, you've got a cotton T-shirt on now, you wear very natural styles.

JS:
Well, I'm off. I'm basically on a break right now.

ZB:
I see. Well, I don't know if you've noticed it but most cotton balls these days are made out of rayon. They're not even cotton anymore.

JS:
Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah, and when they have to change the name, they call them "cosmetic puffs." I've seen them called cosmetic puffs, which is like a little puff of good looking woman. Just a little puff. It's a wonderful thought, it's like --

ZB:
It's like "cheese food."

JS:
Yeah.

ZB:
It's like "cheese food-type eating substance."

JS:
Yeah. Cheese food. And like Paul Shaffer says, "Kosher style."

ZB:
Absolutely. Well, who do you have in your family?

JS:
I have my mom, who lives in Florida, and my sister and her family live on Long Island.

ZB:
And you grew up in New York?

JS:
I grew up in New York. It was in Brooklyn, Long Island and New York City. I still live in New York City. And I also have a place in Los Angeles.

ZB:
Do you have any dogs?

JS:
Just these black and white Scotty magnet dogs. You never know what they're gonna do next!

ZB:
They may be voting by the time people hear this!

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