ZIP Beep #26
ROBOT BLUES
by Don Fitzwater


 I can't begin to tell you how sad is my lot

 Having to be told you were born a robot.

 Controlling your sensations

 Ignored in conversations

 Because discrimination

 Is for the robots, too.

 

 And that's why

 Oh me oh my

 I've got those feed-up, feed-down, feed-forward and feed-back blues.

 

 Can't begin to tell you of the complications

 Of living with an artificial imagination

 Instincts for the living

 Input for the giving

 But discrimination

 Is for the robots, too. 

 

 And that's why

 Oh me oh my

 I've got those feed-up, feed-down, feed-forward and feed-back blues. 

 

 Ten will getcha one, you wouldn't have noticed me

 Cause I blend right in with the couch and TV

 I'm there at every calling

 It gets so very galling

 Because discrimination

 Is for the robots, too.

 

 And that's why

 Oh me oh my

 I've got those feed-up, feed-down, feed-forward and feed-back blues.

 

ZIP Beep #26
ENGLISH ENGLISH

This issue of ZIP Beep marks the beginning of our third year. What better way to celebrate than to recycle old ideas? So, with that in mind, it's time for another look at dialects of the English language. Other forays into this area are now or soon to be found in the BESt of ZIP Beep.

Your humble editor and author of this article recently returned from England where, of course, a variety of English dialects are spoken (to say nothing of Welsh, Gaelic, etc.). Naturally, there are many terms and phrases that are understood by any English speaking resident of the island. But a large number of these terms and phrases require some explanation to be properly grasped by most people on this side of the Atlantic.

This article presents a few such terms and phrases. The need for this article was suggested on two occasions that come to mind.

One occured while speaking with a publican in Bath. He had very good things to say about Americans, and did his best to dispel any fears regarding the belief that British citizens think Americans are loutish. He did, however, want to know what "Private" meant in American English. And he was somewhat surprised to learn it had the same meaning here as there, particularly considering the number of times American guests of his hotel had walked through the door marked "Private."

Several days later, a Welsh fellow (who speaks English at home, but whose children speak Welsh in school and study English as a second language) innocently asked what language we speak in America.

Here then is a short glossary you may wish to consult before visiting the old sod. It is not, by any means, exhaustive.

O LEVELS:
Junior High School achievement tests

A LEVELS:
Senior High School achievement tests

BREAKFAST:
Daily requirement of fat, protein and salt

CLOTTED CREAM:
Blissful coronary clotter

WAY OUT:
Exit (not the same as groovy)

INNID:
A term used as an inquisitive rhetorical remark equivalent to "eh?" in northern sections of North America and "huh?" in midwestern sections. Usage: "I mean, that's just the way it is, innid?" or "Well, Paris is a French city, innid?" Variations: innee, innshe, innay, etc. In northern Britian, these terms are often spoken more distinctly, i.e., "isn't it," "isn't he," "isn't she," "aren't they," etc.

TO RING UP:
To call someone on the telephone

LOVELY:
Generic response meaning good, okay, or fine. Usage: "How was your meal?" "Lovely." . . . "We'll be staying two days." "Lovely." . . . "Let's go for a hike." "Lovely." etc.

U:
Short for Upper Class. Port after dinner is very U. Stout at the pub is not very U.

PRIVATE SCHOOL:
Public school

SWEETS:
Dessert

COFFEE:
Beverage consumed AFTER dessert

MOTOR:
Automobile

BOOT:
Automobile trunk

BONNET:
Automobile roof

GIVE WAY:
Yield (traffic sign)

KEEP LEFT:
What you must remember to do when driving

ROUNDABOUT:
Logical, initially confusing, ubiquitous roadway phenomenon rarely found in U. S. Resembles one of those post office islands that allow you to drive up, mail a letter, and then circle around to go out the way you came in, except traffic converges from 4, 5, 6, 7 (maybe more) directions at a roundabout. Somehow, everyone usually manages to find the way to the road they want to continue to take. If you miss your turn, you can go around and try again until you get it right.

DOUBLE ROOM:
Sometimes means a room with twin beds, sometimes means a room with a double bed.

BISQUIT:
Cookie

CHOKKIE BIKKIE:
Chocolate cookie

BITTER:
Pub drink that makes it hard to come back to American beer.

FREE HOUSE:
Pub that is not owned by a brewery, and so can serve any brand of beverage its owner wishes to serve. Not a refuge for escaped slaves (except, perhaps, those escaping from work at the end of the day).

AMERICAN FOOTBALL:
A game similar to that played by NFL, but without the excitement. Highlights of NFL games are rebroadcast on England's Channel 4 (ITV-2, the same folks who brought us Max Headroom). All but the most interesting plays are eliminated, which also eliminates the drama.

UNDERGROUND or TUBE:
Subway

BEANS:
Apparently some sort of treat. Bean commercials pervade the airwaves.

MIND:
Watch. Usage: "Mind your head." "Mind your hat & coat." "Mind your small child."

VISITORS ARE REMINDED TO EXERCISE EVERY PRECAUTION IN AVOIDING ACCIDENTS, AND ARE URGED TO REFRAIN FROM CLIMBING WALL OF CASTLE INTERIOR AS THE DROP IS QUITE PRECIPITOUS:
Be careful. (Note: This is a typical courteously verbose caution sign.)

DOG:
A family member with slightly fewer rights than the other family members, but with a higher social standing than its American counterpart.

VIKINGS:
People living in northern Britian who have adopted this term for themselves, not because they would like to believe that their ancestors might have been Vikings, but because their ancestors WERE vikings.

ZIP Beep #26
IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LAWRENCE WELK
by Phil O'Donnell

In September, 1901 - uh - 2 - uh - 3, Lawrence "Blotter" Welk was born in Condor, Ohio. Larry was the fourth of three children, both of them girls.

At seven years of age, he met Mitchell Miller and together they formed the Condor Universal Boys Chior and Egg Farm. Both Larry and Mitch were natural castrati, but when Mitch outgrew his shorts, he had to quit singing and start chorus directing. When Larry saw the dollars roll Mitch's way, he also quit singing and became too big for his britches.

Larry worked for the Condor Bubble Company by day. One afternoon, unknown to him, several bubbles lodged in his pocket, and during his show the bubbles floated out. This mistake was greeted with such an overwhelming response from the audience that Larry decided to keep the bubbles, which were soon to become his trademark.

Shortly after that, Larry got a band together. He called it The Musical Champaign Makers, but was forced to change the name to The Champaign Makers when he learned it was illegal to make musical champaign in Ohio without a license.

With the advent of television, The Lawrence Welk Show took off. Regulars like Orangely Lemon on accordion, Dan O'Beaver ("The Smiling Irish Tenor"), and those ever-grinning adolescent dancers Derby & Caloris . . . they all made The Lawrence Welk Show a Saturday night favorite for hundreds.

One night, Larry accidentally swllowed his baton and passed from TV land at an early age. But it was discovered that a battery operated mock-up worked just as well, and it continues to function effectively to this very day.

Happy Birthday, Lawrence Blotter Welk.

ZIP Beep #26
THE CAT IN THE HAT COMES BACK - AGAIN
by Dr. Zeus as told to Robert Brackenridge and Don Fitzwater.

(The good doctor has written books of children's poems for years. Recently, he published a booklength poem for senior citizens. Quite a gap there . . . but ZIP Beep has discovered a little know poem he wrote after seeing a John Hughes movie.--ed.)


 

 "Take care of the house, now", Mom said once again.

 "I'm off to a party, I'll be with my friends."

 She left me alone and went out on the town.

 Time to call up my friends, find out what's going down.

 I'll invite them all over, we'll have lots of fun.

 We'll think of something, there's lots to be done.

 

 "Hey Ralph it's me, no me! What's going on?

 Why don't you come over, my parents are gone.

 Sure, bring some friends.", I said knowingly.

 For his friends were all cool and might accept me.

 

 Then I thought to myself, what would my mom say.

 If I partied at home while she was away.

 

 "Hey, I'm 15, and old enough now.

 To have some friends over", I said with knit brow.

 For this was the "in-crowd", not a group of stray cats.

 And I could show them I know where it's at.

 

 Then in with a six-pack, Ralph burst through the door.

 "I brought over some friends, and here are some more.

 Here have a brew, this is a nice pad.

 How long they be gone, yo momma and dad?"

 

 "Don't worry 'bout that, just leave it to me."

 

 "See what did I tell ya, he's as cool as can be."

  

 I was hoping these guys wouldn't wreck up the house.

 But if I said what I feared, I'd feel like a louse.

 Then who do you think should saunter right in?

 But the Cat in the Hat, and he said with a grin,

 

 "How do you all do?", he broke into a smile,

 "I see that your parents are out for awhile."

 And under his hat he had a stack of cold brews.

 And a TV commercial interupted the news...

 

 "You've played hard all day, and now that you're through.

 Go open a cold beer, or go open two.

 Just drink them right down 'cause they really taste good.

 Relax with the big boys, like you know that you should."

 

 "Say", said Ralph, "What's happening my ol' cat man?

 I ain't seen you here since at least I was ten.

 But now I'm 15 and I know where it's at."

 "I'm sure that you do," said the Cat in the Hat.

 

 "So", said the Cat, "what shall we do now?

 It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how.

 There's plenty to do on this wonderful eve,

 But before we do that, let's watch some TV."

 

 The DUKES OF HAZARD was the next program.

 You can count on those Duke boys, when you're in a jam.

 

 Ralph said, "I'd like a car like the General Lee."

 The Cat said, " I'd like a sidekick like little Daisy."

 Ralph said, "I'd break all the laws, and outrun the cops."

 Said the Cat, "She's wearing skimpy shorts and skimpier tops."

 

 Yes, oh my yes, we all did agree.

 That we envied those people that were on the TV.

 Then at that moment, like syncronicity,

 We all heard these words issue from our turned-on TV....

   

 "And now for a word from your great fast-food place.

 Aren't you hungry enough to stuff your fat face?"

  

 Ralph said, "Isn't there anything to eat around here?

 We all must be tired of just slamming beers."

 "Sure", said I, "There's Ho Ho's and Ding Dongs and creamy Snowballs,

 And Twinkys and Slinkys, help yourself to them all."

 

 Then on came the show that was the neatest of neat...

 "It's time for the ROCK SHOW, where we've got the beat."

 "Wow", said the Cat, "This Rick Rock's a cool dude.

 He bites giraffes' heads off, when he's in the mood.

 He throws up on stage and he takes lots of drugs. And his band is made up of the meanest of thugs."

 "Rick Rock's real neat", said Ralph, "The coolest of cool!"

 I had to agree, 'cause you know I'm no fool.

 

 But I couldn't sit tight, I had to give luck a tweak.

 When like a dumb fool, these words I did speak...

 "I think that I like the next singer and song."

 "You've got to be kidding", yelled Ralph, "You're certainly wrong!

 She's got slow rhythm and sings way too clear.

 And she's not loud enough, you can actually hear!"

 "I guess you are right", agreed I, "This show's got to go.

 Let's check out the tunes on the new stereo."

 

 We thumped and we jumped a dance nobody knew.

 We danced and went wild like the tunes told us to.

 Life in the fast lane, that's what it's about.

 You haven't lived until you have burned out.

 Have a kick-ass time in your designer jeans.

 Shake your booty and really make the scene.

 Drive double visioned down hell's own highway.

 Rock and Roll all night, and party each day.

 

 "The place is all trashed, but I've made some new friends."

 "When the folks get home", said the Cat, "They'll warm your rear end!"

 "Hell, what do I care", said I, "They're out on the town.

 I'm just taking their lead, by partying down."

   

 They do it on TV, and my friends are cool too.

 Now I know that this is what I should do.

 I can't believe what a big jerk I was.

 I'll be like Rick Rock, and do what he does.

 

 

 THE END

 

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