ZIP Beep #28
INSIDE LOOKING OUT
by Chuck Strinz
(Alternate Universe News Service) Wall Street is still reeling from recent revelations concerning insider information and trading in armaments stock.
Investors with ties to the firm of Dreggsall, Burnout & Landgrab are suffering substantial losses. The firm has been hit with a subpoena to testify for grand jury inquiries into the dealings of a man who controls virtually all of the munitions stock traded in the western hemisphere.
Ivan F. Bozosky profited tremendously from trading in high yield "junk bonds." Bozosky has parlayed a family junkyard into a small empire by selling bonds good for tonnages of junk. The bonds are generally purchased by munitions companies, which exchange them for scrap metal used in weapons production. Bozosky's method of employing his junk bonds in corporate takeover bids has brought the majority of munitions firms under his control.
But late last week, it was learned that Ivan F. Bozosky was a pseudonym for Iran F. Bozosky.
Iran F. Bozosky is widely believed to be responsible for kidnapping and holding hostages in countries that are targets of hostile takeovers.
Sources close to the source reported that the Securities and Exchange Commission knew the two men were one in the same, and withheld the information for several weeks to avoid pre-election scandals. When confronted with these allegations, SEC Commissioner Bruce Gordon would only say, "Bozosky has violated the law. As Iran, he knew who was holding hostages, and who wanted them. As Ivan, he knew which munitions manufacturers were best equipped to provide guns, bombs and missiles in exchange for the hostages. This sort of insider information cannot be tolerated! At least, not in a free country."
Despite the scandal, the Raygun administration intends to go ahead with plans to continue deregulating both the munitions and hostage industries. Less strict controls will go into effect on the first of the year. They will affect businesses dealing in diverse sections of those industries, including missile launch equipment suppliers, videotape equipment sales & rental firms, manufacturers of bullet-proof glass and armor, newspaper vendors, ballistic nuclear projectile tracking device wholesalers, and linen blindfold mills.
Acting quickly to quell public outcry over recent developments, President Raygun ordered an immediate embargo on weapons sales to youth gangs based in the middle east. The President explained his actions in a hastily-called press conference earlier this week.
"I know we said we would no longer sell guns to youth gangs in Lebanon and Iran and those kinds of places," the President told members of the media. "Then it would appear that we went ahead and sold some to them anyway. But this time we're enacting an embargo, and gosh darn it, we really mean it!
"Now, some would say we traded those armaments for hostages. But of course, this would have violated insider trading regulations, so we certainly wouldn't have done that. No, we SOLD the armaments. We didn't trade them, we SOLD them. And even then, we didn't sell them to the youth gangs holding the hostages. We sold the guns to their fathers. Okay, maybe they did release the hostages through their fathers' intervention. But that's because the boys wanted to impress their fathers with their mature actions and attitude. And, well, if the fathers are really impressed, they might just give the guns to the boys as Christmas presents. I remember when Dad gave me my first BB gun. Who doesn't? So why should we deny these boys that pleasure if they demonstrate their ability to learn their lesson? But, of course, they've had their chance now, so we're going to stop selling those guns to their dads, and never sell them any weapons again, ever, unless I say so."
Bozosky has maintained a low profile through the fray, even to the extent of keeping quiet while tape recording his friends and business associates. He has been fined a fee of $100 million. After paying his fine of $100 million, Bozosky intends to retire from Wall Street and move to one of the tropical islands he recently purchased with earnings received from the sales of his own stock, which hit the market shortly before news of Bozosky's illegal dealings came to light.
ZIP Beep #28
as told to Don Fitzwater
Wake up America!
The time has come again to reveal yet another conspiracy that threatens one of the most basic elements of our lifestyle -- the American automobile!
That's right, the very foundation of our mobile society is threatened. Why or for what purpose this dastardly deed is being perpetrated I know not. But if something isn't done fast, we will see yet another cherished American tradition perish.
What is responsible for the decline of our beloved American automobile? Product names, that's what!
It used to be that Detroit sold us more than just a car, they sold us an image. You were what you drove.
"Hey Mamma, I'm a Corvette! Vavavaroommm!"
"I'm a Mustang! Hot damn!"
Cars were macho back then.
Your garage sounded more like a zoo then a carport. You had Mustangs, Barracudas, Stingrays, Cougars, Marlins, and Impalas. Or it was an aviary with Road Runners, Falcons, Thunderbirds and Skyhawks. Cars were wildlife -- American wildlife. What could be more in touch with our heritage than a celebration of our natural abundance?
Then there were the cars that spoke to America's love of technology and fixation with the future. The Rocket 88 and of course, the Ford Futura.
Or the cars that made you feel important like the Regal or Imperial. And the cars that made you feel like you were going places -- the Sevilles, New Yorkers and Bonnevilles.
Or just plain deadly, like the Cutlass.
Where are they now? Detroit has lost the American spirit and it shows in their names for their cars.
Chevette, yeecchh! What is that, a small french goat?
And the Escort? Now I ask you, what kind of name is that for a car? Escort! Sounds like you're going to your first prom, or worse yet, like anybody riding with you gets sexual favors if they have the right amount of money with them!
All of these cars reflect Detroit's, and the American public's, loss of heart. And it's all for some dark purpose I tell you! American cars used to be big and macho, like America. Now they're small and wimpy, just like all those little foreign devil imports. I tell you that if we lose the dominance of the road, can the loss of our rightful position of world dominance be far behind?
How can we espouse leadership and then get into our econo-boxes to follow the pack home on the freeway? How can you develop a serious attitude toward global affairs when you drive a Fiesta? How can we maintain our straight-open-and-above-board honesty while skulking around in Shadows?
The other countries of the world introduced us to the small car and we fell for it -- hook, line and MPG rating. If we have to drive these soul-sapping spirit defiling econo-boxes, then let's at least make them supportive of the American way. Brash, fast & dangerous! Americans are risk-takers, they should all have one speed, 90 miles an hour, and no brakes! Let's cool these long term warranties. Make the warranty 50 miles or the first intersection, whichever comes first.
Only if we bring back these traditional American values will we ever regain our position of world and automotive domination. And don't forget that I, Greenscreen, told you so!
ZIP Beep #28
A CHILD'S GARDEN OF QUOTABLE QUOTES
by Don Fitzwater
In our never-ending quest to be of service to our readership, we here at ZIP Beep have compiled this short guide to quotes in the hopes that it may be of some use to you.
Quotes are helpful in any conversation. They give the impression that the speaker is a well-read individual.
In this fast-paced world, many people are not as well-read as they would like to be. Whether it is because they are too busy with their careers, spend too much time playing with their computers, or just don't like to read, this guide can aid in the illusion of well-rounded reading habits.
It is the hope of the editors here at ZIP Beep that after a few short minutes with this guide, you'll be well on the way to dazzling your friends and frustrating your enemies with a seemingly endless supply of proof of your intellectual prowess.
Before you continue, the editors would like to suggest a few simple guidelines to aid you in your enjoyment of this guide:
1) Never use quotes in Latin. Not only are they devilishly tricky to pronounce, but nobody will understand what you are saying anyway. 2) Always exit a converstion after "dropping" a particularly appropriate quote. Not only is this good theatrics, it helps avoid the need to engage in a duel of quotes with some other wiseacre who has also read this column. 3) When in doubt, quote! This trick is particularly useful as it can buy you time. While your partner in conversation attempts to figure out just exactly what you meant by what you said, you can slip away without actually answering the question at hand.
and now . . .
A CHILD"S GARDEN OF QUOTABLE QUOTES - compiled by D. A. Fitzwater
"Whatever you do, you'll regret it."
- ALLAN McLEOD GRAY 1905 - 1975
"There's one born every minute."
- P. T. BARNUM 1810 - 1891
"In waking a tiger, use a long stick."
- MAO TSE-TUNG 1893 - 1976
"Rascality has limits; stupidity has not."
- NAPOLEON BONAPARTE 1791 - 1821
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
- MARK TWAIN 1835 - 1910
"The truth is the one thing that nobody will believe."
- GEORGE BERNARD SHAW 1856 - 1950
"One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are
- HEINRICH HEINE 1797 - 1856
"California is a fine place to live in- if you happen to be
- FRED ALLEN
"Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the
unprincipled to the utterly bewildered."
-AL CAPP 1909
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down
I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
- GROUCHO MARX 1895 - 1977
"Of course America had often been discovered before Columbus, but
it had always been hushed up."
- OSCAR WILDE 1854 - 1900
"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in
- GENERAL PHILIP H. SHERIDAN 1831 - 1888
ZIP Beep #28
MY DINNER WITH ATLAS
LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDARIES
by Ed Eubanks
Recently I had dinner with my friend Atlas.
I took a BATH and splashed on my best COLOGNE. I was GHANA wear my NEW JERSEY but had spilled GREECE on it, so instead I DRESDEN my BURGUNDY blazer and my PARAGUAY PONCE. Then I put my yellow TAIWAN (I bought it from a small haberdashery called THAILAND). Pausing in front of the mirror, I picked my dusty but dapper DERBY over my rakish HAMBURG.
After lacing up my OXFORDs, IRAN across MILAN and down to the NEW DELHI to pick up cold cuts. The owner, Cal, was exceedingly slow and so I said, "Hey, I don't mean to RUSSIA but KENYA wait on me."
"EUROPE next," he said, "Wait your turn."
Finally he came over. "Whaddya want?," he said.
"Lunchmeat," I replied.
"Can you be MOORS PACIFIC?" snapped the PAMPAS twit.
"BOLOGNA," I retorted. "NILE have SOMME fresh fish."
"Try DETROIT," said Cal, "ISRAEL good."
There was a juicy steak in the meat counter. "Cal," I asked,"WATT's that? BUFFALO?"
"No," said Cal. "That's VENICE, son."
"How's the RABAT?" I asked.
"DENETSK," said Cal, "but the TURKEY BREST is okay. We've also got a special on cheese KURDS."
"I don't EDAM," I replied. "JUAREZ the shrimp?"
"I don't SALEM," he said.
CALCUTTA thick slice for me. "Do you want me to wrap it?" he asked.
"No," I said. "Just throw it in the BAGHDAD."
"That will be $4.00 -- $4.30 with TEXAS," Cal said. "You can give the CZECH to my NICE up front." I'm willing TIBET EGYPT'd me because it only looked like two BUCKS worth. The man is a LAOS for DUBLIN the price like that.
I figured I'd do a little TURIN of the city before I went to Atlas' place. WHEELING my PONTIAC RHONDDA back RHODES, my TOURS ended at a strip joint called the "PUSAN Booze." The dancer was a blonde TIGRIS dressed only in a skimpy BIKINI which showcased her taut BALI. She suggestively stroked her BATAAN as she gyrated to a lusty rendition of "The "SWEDE tart of Sigma Chi."
I thought about trying to meet her after she'd FINNISH DANZIG, but I'm the CHEYENNE retiring kind; not the TAPEI girl like her STEPPES out with.
A HEKLA was raising HELENA corner by the stage. He was the kind of inSEINE lunatic so full of HAITI SIKHS to ROUEN everybody's life and isn't happy ANTILLES he's done it.
"Come on you SLAV," He hollered. "Shake DJIBOUTI!"
I could see he was starting to HANOI her so I yelled, "Hey, you're bugging the lady and I want UTAH TAMPA lid on it." "YUKON GOUDA hell and BERN!" he shouted back. "At Louie's they let me holler all I want."
"Well this SAINT LOUIE'S," I snarled. "I'm not ESSEN you, I'm telling you: Put a CORK in it."
By then, everybody in the joint had started to BUDAPEST and SUNNI took off.
By the time I got to Atlas's I was quite HUNGARY. Atlas's place looked like it had come right out of a showroom, but books and a jingling MOBILE gave it DAHOMEY touch.
The MAINE course was supposed to be PHILLY of SEOUL steeped in a tasty broth, but Atlas had forgot to bring the STOCKHOLM, so we had to SEATTLE for a CANADA CHILE he had sitting in his pantry.
"JAVA or cocoa," Atlas asked. "COCOS fine," I said. He brought cocoa in a fine CHINA cup. It was bitter, so I let him SWEDEN it with a CUBA sugar.
"JAMAICA fine cup of cocoa," I said.
We were laughing and HAVANA RIO GRANDE time watching a special on KABUL TV, "HOLLAND Oates sing IRVINE BERLIN." They were singing:
The dog-man boasts when he's had a few:
"ISLE do anything the KATMANDU"
That TUNIS one of my favorites.
Atlas brought me SOMOA cocoa, and I sat on the OTTOMAN eating a PISA chicken and PERUsing a book containing excerpts from the New York THAMES.
All of a SUDAN, Atlas says, "Give the BUCHAREST. I have a present for you. No PEKING now." When I opened my eyes he was holding a very expensive, solid gold BHUTAN lighter. It was a BUTTE.
"OMAN!" I cried. "Is this for me?"
"ANDES too," he said, bringing out a pair of ornate cufflinks.
"This PARIS made from SEYCHELLES ANGOLA," he said.
"I KENT accept these," I exclaimed. And then, suspiciously, I asked "Why are you giving them to me?"
"Don't be so SENEGAL," he said in a SYRIAs tone of voice, "I just want you to have them. The world can be a BEACH, ANAHEIM just trying to bring a little joy to a friend's life. Is that a CRIMEA? Besides, I'm a RICHMOND, I CANNES afford it. Can't you keep them? For me?"
"Of CORSICAN," I said, smiling.
Atlas and I were friends but I didn't think we were that close. We'd gone to Niagara once to CEDAR FALLS but it was such a foggy day we couldn't SEA ATOLL. I spent that whole weekend drinking sodas at a DELHI. I'd never drank so MINNESOTAs in my life.
"Come sit here on the SOFIA with me," he cooed.
I should have known something was GERMANating in his BAHRAIN. He was acting BOULDER than I'd ever seen him act before. He'd drank too much COGNAC and that always LEEDS to trouble. He had already become TOULOUSE and he was quickly LUZON what inhibition he had left.
LATIN his hand ROME down to my LAPP, he said "SYDNEY, don't JUNEAU I love you?? Can't we be ASWAN?"
"Atlas, you're ASSISI!" I sputtered
"Yes SIAM," He WALES. "FORMOSA my life I've tried to CYPRESS it but I can't DODGE the truth anymore. Have you ever felt so weak INDONESIA couldn't stand? That's how I feel when I'm near you. Sometimes it feels like I'm KOREAN the weight of the world on my shoulders and IRISH I was dead. You're the FIRTH man I've felt this strongly about!"
"URAL wrong bout me," I said. "I could NAVARRE be that way. I just want to be friends."
I am a temperate man who CANBERRA lot, but when ATLAS tried to KISSIMEE on the LIPPE that was more than I could ENDOR.
"You degenerate NOME!" I yelled. Dropping my SANDWICH, ISLANDS a punch that sent old Atlas CEYLON ANDOVER end. That rang his BELFAST.
"Get up and take your MADISON," I screamed, but he just lied there weeping and wailing. I was overreacting, too. If I'd had a MUSCAT, I would have shot him and put him out of his SPAIN and MISSOURI. Instead, I grabbed my coat and ran, BERING STRAIT for the door. ISTHMUS have been after CORFU when I got home.
IOWAN awful lot to Atlas even though he is NEPAL of mine anymore. That night I found myself. I haven't seen him since but I AFTON think of him. I HOPIS CONCORDE his problem, one way or the other. It's not always easy to know where you are in such a big world.
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