ZIP Beep #29
by Chuck Strinz
This year began with quite a start when NASA thought they'd risk it. Their pride was low. The temp was, too. But none of them would nix it. So off it went. The shuttle bombed. No engineer could fix it. The year is through. Let's leave it lie. Or better, 86 it. The second month was not as bad, except for two dictators. Duvalier and Marcos both took flight from all their haters. But Sweden's Palme lost his post to bullets, not debaters. Not all the leaders who were ousted could be called Darth Vaders. In March, Congressional debate took up the Contra causes. Should we send guns? Or food? Or clothes? Or lots of sterile gauzes? We have to help them be like us. Here we elect our bosses. In Illionis, La Rouche did well. Did voters lose their glasses? The raid on Libya took place in April, and our country Was split, and people voiced their thoughts, all various and sundry. Across this land of ours, debate went on o'er tea and coffee. A "K" or "Q" or something else? Just how d'ya spell Khadaffi? The merry merry month of May, a time we all feel mellow. We tip our hats and smile a smile at every gal and fellow. All 'round the world the air just seems to reach out and say, "Hello." Except Chernobyl where the air's a strange and pungent yellow. June is the month for lovers all, unless they are demented. So said the country's highest court. It hasn't yet recanted. We'll wipe out all those perverts yet! But don't forget it's granted That the law can raid YOUR bedroom even if you've not consented. A giant celebration helped us all re-learn what "big" meant. Miss Liberty was toasted, we were told freedom's no figment Of our imaginations. But consider what the gig meant To those Americans whose skin contains a reddish pigment. In August, all the protests from the public couldn't halt it. Judge Rhenquist was confirmed. Now he's a man highly exalted. His racist work back in the past was "nothing," as he called it. Now he defines the color of the law, and none can fault it. Next month, Nick Daniloff was freed. Or maybe he was traded. (Exactly how it happened was a point hotly debated.) With peace talks coming up, the Russian bear could not be baited. Sure was a shame to be so shamed, but better than invaded. A covert operation was uncovered in October. Gene Hasenfus's plane had crashed. The fellow's face was sober As he said, "I'm just a working stiff, like men the whole world over. A normal job? That's not for me. I've always been a rover." Then when November came around and '86 was fading We all became familiar with the term "insider trading." Boesky was caught. He knew too much. His facts weren't meant for aiding Investors who could make the most of all that corporate raiding. December came at last, and still the scandals hadn't ended. Some guns were sold (despite the law) to terrorists we befriended. Where did the money go? How much? And just what was intended? Aw, heck, forget it! Take the fifth. There're fences to be mended. Forget it all! Forget the year! It's taken all its licks! It Can do no more. We can't replace, recover, or remix it. No, wait. Let's not forget. Let's find solutions. Then let's fix it. But last year's gone. It's bit the dust. It's dead! Let's 86 it!
ZIP Beep #29
WRONG RON ENDS UP FRED
Reported by D. A. Fitzwater and Robert Brackenridge
(Alternate Universe News Service) Sources close to President Raygun today revealed that an attempt was made to kidnap the President as he was in a local TV studio taping an appeal for more gun sales to terrorists and increased aid for counter- terrorist forces.
Apparently, SUPRA terrorists stormed the studio, overpowered security guards and made off with a hostage they believed to be President Raygun. However, in the confusion, the SUPRAs broke into the wrong studio and kidnapped an actor who was taping a different program.
[SUPRAs are a group of guerilla fighters attempting to set up their own state of Superior in the area now occupied by Michigan's upper pennisula and northern Wisconsin. See ZIP Beep #27 for more on the SUPRAs -- ED.],
The kidnapped actor was well-known PBS celebrity Fred Rogers. After two hours the SUPRAs evidently realized their mistake and returned Rogers unharmed. When questioned, PBS officials said that this "mildly amusing event", should have no effect on the production schedule of the daily children's show MR. ROGER's NEIGHBORHOOD.
In an exclusive Alternate Universe News interview, Rogers had this to say: "Well, it was kind of scarey at first, what with the guns and all. And they were terribly upset when they discovered their mistake. But after we talked about dealing with fear and anger and disapointment, why we just had a wonderful time playing with my puppets and making really nice things with clay!
"I hope this has taught us all something about life," Rogers went on to say. Even fanatically devoted terrorists can make mistakes. They're only human, like you and me. Sure they are. And you know what else? They can learn from their mistakes, just like you and me. That's right. I'm sure the terrorists will plan better next time. And they'le get the right man, if they plan it all out. They can make little pictures in their heads. So can you. That's called 'imagination.' It's really a nice way to pretend, and it helps you make plans. Imagination lets you see how you want to do something before you really do it. Can you say 'imagination?' Sure you can."
The President was unavailable for comment, but in a special press conference, the First Lady told reporters, "This whole thing has been very traumatic for the President. He watches Fred's show every day and I hate to think of how upset Ron would be if they had to take this show off of the air."
In a related story, captured SUPRA arms supplier, U. Gene Haagendaz was sentenced this week after a two-month show trial. The show seen during the trial was HELLCATS OF THE NAVY, which was repeated throughout the two-month period. Haagendaz's tearful confession finally ended the trial, and he was sentenced to thirty years in confinement, where he will be forced to view the show again and again.
[ Editor's Note: Just as we were going to press, we received an update from the Alternate Universe News Service. Convicted SUPRA arms supplier U. Gene Haagendaz has just been released from his sentence "for humanitarian reasons," according to the usual sources close to the source. Noted film critic Leonard Malted had this comment: "I don't know how any judge in the world could have imposed such a sentence. Even one viewing of HELLCATS OF THE NAVY should be considered cruel and unusual punishment." ]
ZIP Beep #29
ZIP BEEP'S CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE OF HIGH TECH TRINKETS
by Susan Lee Fitzwater
Marketers, tinkerers and manufacturers have uncovered needs we never knew we had, and they're ready to line us up with new high tech gadgets to meet those needs. And now comes Christmas, a time to impress our friends and family with the care and thought that went into selecting the perfect gift for their needs.
We here at ZIP Beep have collected, for your convenience, a catalogue of all these wonderful, hard-to-live-without (and hard-to-believe) items.
Ready to go shopping? First, you need the car.
ITEM # 1 -
Clap four times and your keys "chirp" back. BEEPER KEYRINGS cost less than $11.00 and sure beat remembering to put your keys in a safe place.
You've got your keys, now you can go out to the mall. It's the thirtieth year of enclosed shopping and at least the thirtieth year of plastic money and lost cars in the parking lot.
ITEM # 2 -
This WALLET, (made of genuine dead animal skin), has room for six charge cards and won't leave home without them. If a card is missing, the wallet "Beeps" when you put it in your purse or pocket. You can charge this wallet for less than $35.00.
Your arms and credit lines are full; time to go home and wrap the Christmas treats.
ITEM # 3 -
Extend the antenna on your CAR FINDER KEYRING and press the button...your car honks its horn and flashes its lights. Your car will never be lost again within one tenth of a mile and it costs less than $100.00.
Next Christmas I want a keyring that will drive the car up to the mall door for me.
1987 mornings are going to be happier for the recipients of ITEMS 4, 5 & 6.
ITEM # 4 -
You're unresponsive to the sound of beeping? Wake to the sound of stomping feet! Your own ROBOT ALARM CLOCK stamps it's feet (or beeps) to wake you for less than $35.00.
Now clap on your lights and shuffle off to your bathroom to greet the new day.
ITEM # 5 -
Step on the TALKING BATHROOM SCALE and get an accurate verbal accounting of how much you've lost or gained. Less than $100.00, it remembers weights for up to six household members and has adjustable volume for privacy.
Chatty fatty's greeting may be something like, "You've gained five pounds. Have a nice day!" Then you need our next item.
ITEM # 6 -
Enter your new body weight into this FAT WATCHING SUPER-PEDOMETER and it will calculate how many steps and/or miles you'll have to walk and/or jog to burn off that plate of spritz cookies. Be sure to set the chime for your target so you don't overdo it. These and other features help you to stay fit for less than $40.00.
Work or study will be alot easier in 1987, too. Say you've found the information that you need, but you forgot your notepad and your solar-powered pencil doesn't work indoors...
ITEM # 7 -
POCKET PHOTO-COPIER uses economical re-chargeable batteries and fits conveniently in a pocket or the palm of your hand. Produces clear black and white thermal copies a full 1.6 inches wide for less than $350.00.
If you're planning to counterfeit the Encyclopedia Britannica be sure to pick up extra paper (five rolls less than $12.00) and these next items to help keep you supplied with tasty snacks.
ITEM # 8 -
ELECTRIC ICE CREAM SCOOP is U.L. approved, Teflon-coated and costs less than $20.01. Plug it in and within minutes its 250 degree heat permits easy scooping.
Next year I want a refrigerated bowl to re-freeze my melted ice cream.
And if you want tastier popcorn and other foods try our last item.
ITEM # 9 -
HOT TOPPER is made of durable plastic with special accessories. Plug it in and melt butter, margarine, low-cholesterol spread or syrups. Unplug it and take it to the table as a cordless appliance to brush or spray your favorite foods.
After all this, I think I just want a potato-powered clock. But if you think any of these catalogue items are perfect for someone on your gift list, drop me a note. I'll sign you up for an over-priced counselling program and if you still think they're neccessary items after that...I'll tell you where to go buy them.
ZIP Beep #29
A WEIGHTWATCHER'S CHRISTMAS
by Rob Thompson, Jim Ibister, Don Fitzwater & Chuck Strinz
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse The stockings were hung by the chimney with care In hopes that St. Nick wouldn't take them to wear The children were nestled all snug in their beds While visions of Rambo toys danced in their heads With Ma in her kerchief and me in my jams We cuddled in bed, with me touching her gams When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter I thought it the trash man, a half-ton or fatter Away to the window I ran like a fool Then I stepped on the cat and I tripped on the stool And what to my wondering eyes should appear But a minature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer I limped from the window, not moving too quick And saw as I did, that the man was St. Nick He yelled at the reindeer who all looked the same And he whistled and shouted and called them all names "Hey Dum-Dum! Hey butt head! Get on with the work! Move dildo! Run scum-bag! Now listen you jerks! Watch out for the chimney, watch out for the wall!" And other foul language I heard the man call On top of the roof then the deer were all standing Let's hear it for Nick's thirty-two hoofpoint landing! I ran down the stairs then to see what I could And I spied in the hearth fat St. Nick in the wood He cursed as he stood pulling bark from his thigh "There goes this year's Christmas," I moaned, "my, oh, my." But unpacking his gifts he made gift piles so neat. Then went to the kitchen for something to eat He opened the fridge and he looked up and down "I had hoped for a beer," Fat Boy said with a frown He pulled out the ham and he swallowed it whole Then reached in and grabbed out our filet of sole The mince pie, lime sherbert, he downed the whole turkey Plus stuffing, cranberries, Aunt Betty's beef jerky There's no doubt about it, the old man was fat And I started to fret as he chased our poor cat Off and into the den, and then out on the lawn And before I quite knew it, poor Puffball was gone Then finally finished, he turned with a jerk (I guess he decided to get down to work) He stuffed all the stockings with candy and gum And mine with the stogie he puffed (the fat bum) He finished the job, and he scratched at his shirt Then went to the pantry for bites of dessert Some Jello, some pudding, some cookies, some cake The crust for a pie Ma was going to bake He looked the place over and checked off his list And poured out some scotch, then he added a twist Martinis and wine, then a whiskey and coke He drained my decanters (that chubby old bloke) As he turned with a smile he was walking and weaving Across to the chimney with signs he was leaving Then laying a finger aside of his nose With a nod of his head Fat Boy suddenly froze He found then his body and limbs (he had four) Too fat for the chimney. He walked to the door He nibbled the wreath as he opened the lock Then yelled up to the reindeer, "I guess I'll just walk." As he vanished from view then, I shed a small tear I hope he's not hungry at this time next year But still, to my wonder, I'm glad that he came. In a voice full of cheer, I could hear him exclaim As he walked down the alley and into the night With a swerve to the left and a lunge to the right, "I'm off to the Jones' for drinks and a bite Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
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