ZIP Beep #30
WILL CASEY COME TO BAT
by Ed Eubanks, whith apologies to E. L. Thayer & The Innocent
SOME AWFUL TIMES HAD LONG BESET THE DEMOCRATIC TEAM. FOR NIGH ON SIX FULL SEASONS, NOW, THEY'D ALL BEEN GETTING CREAMED. THE OLD ONES HAD GROWN FEEBLE AND THE YOUNG ONES HAD NO ZEST. IT SEEMED, LIKE WHIGS AND POPULISTS, THE DEMS WOULD COME TO REST. THE TEAM HAD STALLED NEATH CARTER'S WEIGHT; THE FABRIC COME UNDONE, THEN LOST WITH FRITZ A-CALLING SHOTS FULL FORTY-NINE TO ONE. "TOO MANY GOLDARN LEFTIES", WROTE THE PUNDITS OF THE DAY. SO MANY DEMS CHANGED UNIFORMS OR SWUNG THE OTHER WAY. THEN SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPENED FOR THE WINDS BEGAN TO SHIFT. T'WAS SOMETHING IN THE CURRENTS THAT DID GIVE THEM ALL A LIFT. BIG RAY WAS THROWN OUT STEALING AND ANNE BURFORD RUNNING WIDE, THEN STOCKMAN WAS RETIRED MUMBLING BAD THINGS 'BOUT HIS SIDE. HE CALLED THE STRATEGY A SHAM, AT BEST AN IDLE DREAM, IT SEEMS HIS QUOTES KEPT POPPING UP TO HURT THE REAGAN TEAM. OL' RONNIE TRIED TO ROUSE HIS TROOPS, "LET'S WIN ONE FOR THE GIP." THE DEMS PICKED UP 8 BIG ONES AND THE PUBS THEY PICKED UP ZIP. THE DEMOCRATS, DELIRIOUS, HAD SEEMED TO FIND NEW HEART. THEY FELT THEY WERE BACK IN IT. (WELL, AT LEAST THEY'D MADE A START.) BUT RON BOMBED OUT KHADDAFY, THEN HE BADLY FLUBBED THE BAN. NOW HE'S SCORED ANOTHER ERROR SELLING SPARE PARTS TO IRAN. THE NEWS ROLLED IN LIKE STORM CLOUDS, BITS & PIECES EVERY DAY. DID THE CONTRAS GET THE MONEY? WAS IT JUST A BUSH LEAGUE PLAY? WAS SOME DOUGH USED FOR ELECTIONS? WAS SOME CASH SKIMMED OFF THE TOP? WAS OLD RON AGAIN CAUGHT NAPPING? JUST WHERE WAS THE BUCK TO STOP? THE DEMOCRATS DID RALLY, LETTING OUT A BATTLE WHOOP. (THEY'D FINALLY CAUGHT THAT OLD SLY FOX RIGHT IN THE CHICKEN COOP.) THEY STARTED CALLING MEETINGS, FIELDING QUERIES, CRYING FOUL. AND CLEARLY B'YOND ALL QUESTION THEY WERE HAVING QUITE A BALL. AT THE PLATE WAS BUD MCFARLANE. WOULD HE BE THE FIRST TO LYNCH? HE INSISTED HE WAS ACTING ON INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE BENCH. SO THEY THANKED HIM FOR HIS CANDOR AND HIS GRIT FOR COMING FORTH. THEN THEY ALL TURNED TOWARD THE WHITE HOUSE JUST LIKE FORTY GOING NORTH. THE HEAT WAS ON THE COLONEL. HE, A TEAM MAN THROUGH AND THROUGH, HAD SET SOME RECORDS IN HIS TIME (AND SHREDDED QUITE A FEW). THE SIGNAL FROM THE DUGOUT WAS THAT NO ONE ELSE SHOULD TALK. IF THE BATTERS KEPT THEIR MOUTHS SHUT THEN THEY ALL WOULD SURELY WALK. OH, THE SENATORS WERE GRANDIOSE AND TALKED A SOLID GAME. THE NATION WATCHED ENRAPTURED AS THEY TOSSED ABOUT THE BLAME. YET WHEN ALL THE DUST HAD SETTLED AND THE BEST HAD SAID THEIR BIT, THERE WAS POINDY TAKING SECOND WHILE OLD OLLIE HUGGED THE FIFTH. THE BIGGEST BATS WERE SILENT: SCHULTZ, DON REGAN, EDWIN MEESE. THE PATRONS STARTED GRUMBLING THAT A FEW SHOULD BE RELEASED. SOON THE DEADLOCK BORED THE PRESS CORPS, AND THE VIEW FROM WHERE THEY SAT WAS: IT'S ALL COME DOWN TO CASEY! OH, WILL CASEY COME TO BAT!?!! THE CRY WENT OUT FOR CASEY, DARLING OF THE C.I.A. THE HILL DID WAIT IN RAPT SUSPENSE FOR WHAT OLD BILL WOULD SAY. THEY HOPED HE'D COME UP TO THE MOUND TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT. AND THE QUESTION MOST OFT HEARD WAS "WHEN WILL CASEY COME TO BAT?" OH, SUCH A MURMUR FILLED THE ROOM, THE SPECULATIONS FLEW THAT AFTER BILLY SPILT THE BEANS OLD RONNIE WOULD BE THROUGH. PHOTOGRAPHERS CHECKED OUT THEIR FILM; REPORTERS CHECKED THEIR CLOCKS. THE RUMOR WAS THAT CASEY WAS AHEADING FOR THE BOX. NOW SOMEWHERE IN THIS FAVORED LAND THE HONEST FACTS ARE KNOWN. AND SOMEWHERE THERE'S A SMOKING GUN THAT HAS YET TO BE SHOWN. AND SOMEWHERE THERE'S A DOCUMENT THAT WOULD DISPERSE ALL DOUBT. BUT THE MUD WON'T COME FROM CASEY. HE CONVENIENTLY STROKED OUT.
ZIP Beep #30
ZIP BEEP'S GUIDE TO THE NEW TAX LAWS
by Chuck Strinz
You say you're confused about the changes to the income tax laws? You say you finally made the last payment on your house so you can afford that little cabin hideaway, but now you're not sure if the new tax structure will leave you with enough cash to back up your downpayment last year? You say you don't even know whether your taxes will go up or down? And you'll need to take out another mortgage on your house before you can afford to pay your CPA's consulting fee? And you still don't know if you can deduct the expense of the lunch your CPA ate while telling you things aren't quite clear yet? Is that what's troubling you, Bunky?
Well, cheer up, wave the flags, sound the horns and flash the lights, glory be, weep no more. ZIP Beep's Guide To The New Tax Laws is here!
Unfortunately, we can't tell you everything there is to know about the new tax laws. We don't have enough space. And there's a federal statute that bars us from making things too clear. (The CPA Retirement Fund Act of 1986, in section 4, line 7, states that "No person or organization shall clarify the new tax laws completely. Any [individual or group] violating this clause shall be liable for any mixup in [their] taxes, and shall be unable to reach [their] CPA, or any other CPA, particularly in fiscal emergencies, whether by telephone, U. S. Mail, foreign mail, electronic mail or any other communication method including face- to-face meetings.")
Nevertheless, here are a few brief guidelines that should be of some interest to you.
Be sure to fill out the new W-4 forms. These "simplified" forms are only four times as long as the outdated W-4 forms they replace. You will find copies of the W-4 forms conveniently located at your bank or post office, except when the bank or post office is open. This is because only a handful of W-4 forms have been issued to each bank and post office. The new tax law requires each bank and post office to have W-4 forms in their buildings. To avoid violating this law, the tax forms are usually moved to the basement before the bank or post office opens its doors to customers in the morning, and are returned to the lobby after closing. However, resourceful taxpayers can often read W-4s in the lobbies of these banks and post offices by standing outside and using binoculars.
Most business expenses are still deductable, but only those incurred while in the act of "giving somebody the business," i.e., harassing, teasing, and other petty irritating acts. AAA Credit Company, for example, can no longer deduct office rent and utilities charges. But they can deduct typewriters used to send threatening letters and automobiles used to transport thugs who earn their living by breaking the legs of people who cannot meet payment schedules.
But these are relatively small changes. The big change comes in the area of new taxes. Since income taxes will actually be lower in many cases, new forms of generating revenue are necessary. The following is a short list of selected new taxes. Others are being written every day. If you would like to know more about any of the following, please feel free to write to your Congressperson. I'm sure he or she would be happy to explain them in more detail (subject, of course, to the constraints of the CPA Retirement Fund Act of 1986).
WINDOW TAX -- Homeowners will be charged a tax based upon the number of windows they have. If the IRS determines a home has fewer windows than it should have, the home will be taxed according to the adjusted number of windows, and a glazing surcharge shall be added to cover the cost of any donuts the tax assessor may eat at lunch.
DOG TAX -- Dogowners shall be charged a tax based upon the number of hairs that are raised on the dog's back when the tax assessor speaks loudly while approaching the dog with a large stick. Additional fees will be charged for any resulting hospitalization, and further taxes shall be levied based on the amount of those fees and whether or not the hospital is hooked to Cable TV or has its own satellite dish used exclusively for entertaining patients.
POLE TAX -- All Polish people shall be taxed an additional amount based upon their weight.
LUXURY TAX -- An additional tax shall be charged to anyone paying additional taxes. Additional taxes shall be charged based on those taxes, and further taxes shall be charged as appropriate.
BEATRICE TAX -- An additional tax shall be charged to anyone buying anything made by Beatrice Foods.
STATE AND LOCAL TAX TAX -- An additional tax shall be charged to anyone who pays state or local tax. This tax shall be based on the amount of the state or local tax and the tax on the tax without the tax, plus the state or local tax plus the tax on the tax with the tax, or some combination thereof, whichever is larger.
Well, the CPA just stopped by and told me to cut it out. After some negotiation, I was able to persuade him to allow me to list the following without explanations:
VIDEO GAME TAX
OLD MOVIE TAX
SEAT BELT TAX
ZIP Beep #30
PRE-POSTHUMOUS NOTES PART 1
by Dennis Wallaker
--This issue: "Maynard G. Krebs, Where are You?"--
Now, I don't pride myself on being contemporary.
I have my own sense of tradition. I agree with my father during our family's Sunday morning debates on polyester.
"What if it does come back? What if it isn't the bargain that it was before? Who wants to float around a shopping mall in a throng of creepy juveniles, paying top dollar for something we should have never thrown away in the first place?"
And at the same time, being considered the kind of guy who can't wait for the company to leave so he can turn on the Black Lite, well, it all leaves me a bit, uhm, disconcerted.
You see, people look at me and say, "There's atavism at work." But if I'm a throwback to anything, I would like to think it's the Fifties; not Elvis and Milton Berle or any of that other stuff that dated itself before it skipped a generation. I mean cool bohemian ethics -- jazz without synthesizers, negroes that didn't bite, pre-computer poetry. Give me a grey sweatshirt and some bongos and I'll be your Dharma Bum anyday!
I remember when I was about 3 or 4 watching "DOBIE GILLIS" on TV and trying to figure out what was so funny about Maynard G. Krebs. I dug him, period, no if's and's or but's and anybody who didn't -- including Dobie, his mom and dad (or my mom and dad for that matter) -- anybody who stood there laughing out of the side of their mouth at him was strictly squaresville.
When you look at the careers of the two lead actors, it's proof that there exists a Kharmic quagmire (pretty Fifties, huh?).
Dwayne Hickman, aka Dobie Gillis, after several lame Disney projects and really stinking up parts of "CAT BALLOU," was found to be perfect network executive material. Which is what he does today: healthy, happy and fulfilled; right down to his corporate SS underwear.
Bob Denver, aka Maynard G. Krebs, left to become Gilligan, which may have been what the country needed at the time, what with Viet Nam and all, but certainly wasn't worth sitting through that cruddy theme song twice. He then languished in a drainage ditch of sitcom pilots and game show spots winding up on syndicated kid's TV with the hardly seen "FAR OUT SPACE NUTS." The last I heard, he and Alan Hale Jr. were doing supermarket openings and year-end used car sales stuff.
Which goes to show ya, Bob, that Dwayne Hickman may be smiling his way through his own personal hell, but when you killed off Maynard G. Krebs, you not only ticked me off, you ticked off God, too.
NEXT MONTH -- PART 2: THE BEAT GOES ON
ZIP Beep #30
DAWN OF MANUALS
by Don Fitzwater
We here at ZIP Beep spend a lot of our time wondering; like wondering why we exist, wondering why our parking meters always expire just as the meter monitor passes by, and why thermos bottles work -- you put hot stuff in it stays hot, you put cold stuff in it stays cold, how does it know?
[Mostly we wonder about Fitzwater, a lot! - ED]
And as usual in the course of all of this wondering, we came across the BIG QUESTION, namely, were there consumer protection laws at creation? And more importantly, were Adam and Eve supplied with adequate hazard warning instructions? Well, Lucky you! We've just happened to have come across the empty box that the Garden of Eden came in (it was downstairs in the storage locker) and found the OEM Owner's Manual.
Obviously, nobody read this manual very carefully.
It is with great pride that we offer to the public, for the very first time, a reprint of this historic document.
OWNERS MANUAL FOR GENUINE HUMAN COUPLE Jehova Co. patent pending
Congratulations! You are the proud owner of Jehova Co.'s GARDEN OF EDEN TERRARIUM SET. This product is designed to provide years of nearly trouble-free enjoyment. Please read all instructions before starting to assemble your set.
Check to make sure your set includes the following:
One (1) Firmament with stars included One (1) Planet Earth, complete with atmosphere, continents and assorted lower life forms One (1) Garden of Eden including- One (1) Serpent and One (1) Tree of Knowledge One (1) Pair Homo Sapiens (Matched set of Male and Female) [designed after our chief design engineer]
Assemble all items installing human couple last.
Jehova Co. has taken every precaution to guarantee you eons of entertainment if you follow these simple instructions.
1) Do not operate your genuine human couple near reptiles. Our research indicates that serpents in particular are to be avoided. Failure to comply may result in damage to item and invalidation of your warranty. 2) Keep them busy. Idle minds are the Devil's playground. If you should notice any erratic operation please notify our service department immediately. 3) Do not operate near the Tree of Life. Your Human couple will eat darn near anything, and consumption of even one (1) apple could severely impair the functioning of this product as well as invalidate your warranty.
WARNING!- AT NO TIME SHOULD THIS ITEM BE MADE SELF-AWARE! THE RESULT COULD MEAN SHORTER PRODUCT LIFETIME AND CONSIDERABLE DAMAGE TO THE ENVIROMENT. THIS ITEM HAS THE CAPABILITY OF SELF-REPLICATION AND MAY REPRODUCE OUT OF CONTROL IF THE ABOVE SAFTEY PROCEDURES ARE NOT FOLLOWED.
copyright 0000 by Jehova Co. all rights reserved.
ZIP Beep! Table of Contents
Strinz Creative Home Page