ZIP Beep #44
POKES AT FOLKS
by Chuck Strinz & Steve Israel

With the recent Supreme Court ruling about the sanctity of satire, ZIP Beep breathes a sigh of relief. Our vast empire is safe. What better way to celebrate than to give you your own do-it-yourself satire kit?

We're doing something a little bit different here this time. If you have an IBM-compatible computer with BASIC, the program in the following file should run just fine. In fact, it should produce somewhat different results each time you run it. (Skilled BASIC programmers, please forgive us. As Dr. McCoy would say if he were a writer, "I'm a writer, not a programmer, dammit!) Otherwise, you may need to convert it to conform to your computer's BASIC routines.

Or, if you have an analytical mind that likes to investigate process, you can print this file, look at it, and enjoy it that way.

In any case, check the following file for our computerized satire program.


 10 CLS

 20 GOSUB 3000

 30 IF XX = 1 THEN A$ = "hot"

 40 IF XX = 2 THEN A$ = "cold"

 50 IF XX = 3 THEN A$ = "blustery"

 60 IF XX = 4 THEN A$ = "wet"

 70 IF XX = 5 THEN A$ = "dark"

 80 IF XX = 6 THEN A$ = "hair-raising"

 90 IF XX = 7 THEN A$ = "sunny"

 100 IF XX = 8 THEN A$ = "long"

 110 IF XX = 9 THEN A$ = "boring"

 120 IF XX = 10 THEN A$ = "suspiciously unreal"

 130 GOSUB 3000

 140 IF XX = 1 THEN B$ = "April"

 150 IF XX = 2 THEN B$ = "May"

 160 IF XX = 3 THEN B$ = "Budapest"

 170 IF XX = 4 THEN B$ = "the Lunar module"

 180 IF XX = 5 THEN B$ = "the synagog"

 190 IF XX = 6 THEN B$ = "the church"

 200 IF XX = 7 THEN B$ = "the Dogbreath Motel"

 210 IF XX = 8 THEN B$ = "the studio"

 220 IF XX = 9 THEN B$ = "the year 2525"

 230 IF XX = 10 THEN B$ = "Minnesota"

 240 GOSUB 3000

 250 IF XX = 1 THEN C$ = "Jerry Falwell"

 260 IF XX = 2 THEN C$ = "Pat Robertson"

 270 IF XX = 3 THEN C$ = "Jimmy Swaggert"

 280 IF XX = 4 THEN C$ = "Jim Bakker"

 290 IF XX = 5 THEN C$ = "Richard Nixon"

 300 IF XX = 6 THEN C$ = "Prince Charles"

 310 IF XX = 7 THEN C$ = "Andy Rooney"

 320 IF XX = 8 THEN C$ = "Hugh Hefner"

 330 IF XX = 9 THEN C$ = "Kurt Waldheim"

 340 IF XX = 10 THEN C$ = "John Holmes"

 350 GOSUB 3000

 360 IF XX = 1 THEN D$ = "exhausted"

 370 IF XX = 2 THEN D$ = "at wits end"

 380 IF XX = 3 THEN D$ = "under the table"

 390 IF XX = 4 THEN D$ = "full of beans"

 400 IF XX = 5 THEN D$ = "in bed"

 410 IF XX = 6 THEN D$ = "ready to spit tacks"

 420 IF XX = 7 THEN D$ = "on top of the world"

 430 IF XX = 8 THEN D$ = "up in arms"

 440 IF XX = 9 THEN D$ = "relieving himself"

 450 IF XX = 10 THEN D$ = "totally embarrassed again"

 460 GOSUB 3000

 470 IF XX = 1 THEN E$ = "fat lady's"

 480 IF XX = 2 THEN E$ = "Mormon Tabernacle Choir's"

 490 IF XX = 3 THEN E$ = "horse's"

 500 IF XX = 4 THEN E$ = "ant's"

 510 IF XX = 5 THEN E$ = "preacher's"

 520 IF XX = 6 THEN E$ = "pornographer's"

 530 IF XX = 7 THEN E$ = "photographer's"

 540 IF XX = 8 THEN E$ = "farmer's"

 550 IF XX = 9 THEN E$ = "bullhead's"

 560 IF XX = 10 THEN E$ = "dirty old man's"

 570 GOSUB 3000

 580 IF XX = 1 THEN F$ = "rage"

 590 IF XX = 2 THEN F$ = "aggression"

 600 IF XX = 3 THEN F$ = "recordings"

 610 IF XX = 4 THEN F$ = "cries"

 620 IF XX = 5 THEN F$ = "car exhaust"

 630 IF XX = 6 THEN F$ = "nightgown"

 640 IF XX = 7 THEN F$ = "fettish"

 650 IF XX = 8 THEN F$ = "late night pizza craving"

 660 IF XX = 9 THEN F$ = "frustrations"

 670 IF XX = 10 THEN F$ = "offbeat tendencies"

 680 GOSUB 3000

 690 IF XX = 1 THEN G$ = "starved"

 700 IF XX = 2 THEN G$ = "bored"

 710 IF XX = 3 THEN G$ = "bald"

 720 IF XX = 4 THEN G$ = "glowing in the dark"

 730 IF XX = 5 THEN G$ = "three sheets to the wind"

 740 IF XX = 6 THEN G$ = "incoherent"

 750 IF XX = 7 THEN G$ = "blind"

 760 IF XX = 8 THEN G$ = "ready to commit adultery"

 770 IF XX = 9 THEN G$ = "ready for another movie"

 780 IF XX = 10 THEN G$ = "ready to burst"

 790 GOSUB 3000

 800 IF XX = 1 THEN H$ = "George"

 810 IF XX = 2 THEN H$ = "Chip Douglas"

 820 IF XX = 3 THEN H$ = "Gleep the Alien"

 830 IF XX = 4 THEN H$ = "Anything-Goes-Annie"

 840 IF XX = 5 THEN H$ = "Horseface"

 850 IF XX = 6 THEN H$ = "Fran Tarkenton"

 860 IF XX = 7 THEN H$ = "Mr. Ed"

 870 IF XX = 8 THEN H$ = "Idi Amin"

 880 IF XX = 9 THEN H$ = "El Ka-Bong"

 890 IF XX = 10 THEN H$ = "Jimmy the Greek"

 900 GOSUB 3000

 910 IF XX = 1 THEN I$ = "philanthropist"

 920 IF XX = 2 THEN I$ = "misanthrope"

 930 IF XX = 3 THEN I$ = "misogynist"

 940 IF XX = 4 THEN I$ = "stamp collector"

 950 IF XX = 5 THEN I$ = "fruitcake"

 960 IF XX = 6 THEN I$ = "automotive eroticist"

 970 IF XX = 7 THEN I$ = "video repair-person"

 980 IF XX = 8 THEN I$ = "crime fighter"

 990 IF XX = 9 THEN I$ = "snob"

 1000 IF XX = 10 THEN I$ = "terrorist"

 1010 GOSUB 3000

 1020 IF XX = 1 THEN J$ = "building"

 1030 IF XX = 2 THEN J$ = "kicking"

 1040 IF XX = 3 THEN J$ = "undressing"

 1050 IF XX = 4 THEN J$ = "eating"

 1060 IF XX = 5 THEN J$ = "folding"

 1070 IF XX = 6 THEN J$ = "washing"


 1080 IF XX = 7 THEN J$ = "feeding"

 1090 IF XX = 8 THEN J$ = "drinking"

 1100 IF XX = 9 THEN J$ = "driving"

 1110 IF XX = 10 THEN J$ = "killing"

 1120 GOSUB 3000

 1130 IF XX = 1 THEN K$ = "dog's"

 1140 IF XX = 2 THEN K$ = "cat's"

 1150 IF XX = 3 THEN K$ = "goldfish's"

 1160 IF XX = 4 THEN K$ = "short person's"

 1170 IF XX = 5 THEN K$ = "elephant's"

 1180 IF XX = 6 THEN K$ = "gym teacher's"

 1190 IF XX = 7 THEN K$ = "TV star's"

 1200 IF XX = 8 THEN K$ = "new neighbor's"

 1210 IF XX = 9 THEN K$ = "space invader's"

 1220 IF XX = 10 THEN K$ = "one and only super fantastic plastic lover's"

 1230 GOSUB 3000

 1240 IF XX = 1 THEN L$ = "sexy underclothes"

 1250 IF XX = 2 THEN L$ = "fashionable dog food"

 1260 IF XX = 3 THEN L$ = "watermelon"

 1270 IF XX = 4 THEN L$ = "private things"

 1280 IF XX = 5 THEN L$ = "large washing machine"

 1290 IF XX = 6 THEN L$ = "favorite plaything"

 1300 IF XX = 7 THEN L$ = "wife"

 1310 IF XX = 8 THEN L$ = "Topps bubble gum baseball trading card collection from 1953"

 1320 IF XX = 9 THEN L$ = "antique Delorean 4-door convertible"

 1330 IF XX = 10 THEN L$ = "silly beanie with the propellor on top"

 1340 GOSUB 3000

 1350 IF XX = 1 THEN M$ = "car"

 1360 IF XX = 2 THEN M$ = "building"

 1370 IF XX = 3 THEN M$ = "cat-house"

 1380 IF XX = 4 THEN M$ = "gambling table"

 1390 IF XX = 5 THEN M$ = "fat farm"

 1400 IF XX = 6 THEN M$ = "late night TV program host"

 1410 IF XX = 7 THEN M$ = "end of the line"

 1420 IF XX = 8 THEN M$ = "invisible electronic shield"

 1430 IF XX = 9 THEN M$ = "funny old man over there with whipped cream in his hair"

 1440 IF XX = 10 THEN M$ = "limit to his patience"

 1450 GOSUB 3000

 1460 IF XX = 1 THEN N$ = "my lunch"

 1470 IF XX = 2 THEN N$ = "my better half"

 1480 IF XX = 3 THEN N$ = "your math teacher"

 1490 IF XX = 4 THEN N$ = "my friend at the hotel"

 1500 IF XX = 5 THEN N$ = "your baboon's tongue"

 1510 IF XX = 6 THEN N$ = "a tofu and non-fat peanut butter sandwich"

 1520 IF XX = 7 THEN N$ = "an old dead cow's ground up and charred innards burger"

 1530 IF XX = 8 THEN N$ = "fried sushi"

 1540 IF XX = 9 THEN N$ = "this little sugar cube"

 1550 IF XX = 10 THEN N$ = "California nouveau cuisine"

 1560 GOSUB 3000

 1570 IF XX = 1 THEN O$ = "pencil"

 1580 IF XX = 2 THEN O$ = "lunch bag"

 1590 IF XX = 3 THEN O$ = "Playalien magazine"

 1600 IF XX = 4 THEN O$ = "automotive guide"

 1610 IF XX = 5 THEN O$ = "fantastically long-legged inflatable doll named Wendy"

 1620 IF XX = 6 THEN O$ = "publisher's clearing house sweepstakes entry form"

 1630 IF XX = 7 THEN O$ = "obscene shaped telephone"

 1640 IF XX = 8 THEN O$ = "bucket of grease paint"

 1650 IF XX = 9 THEN O$ = "disease"

 1660 IF XX = 10 THEN O$ = "contact lens that had been missing for a week"

 1670 GOSUB 3000

 1680 IF XX = 1 THEN P$ = "front of the room"

 1690 IF XX = 2 THEN P$ = "bathroom"

 1700 IF XX = 3 THEN P$ = "balcony"

 1710 IF XX = 4 THEN P$ = "church foyer"

 1720 IF XX = 5 THEN P$ = "garden of delights"

 1730 IF XX = 6 THEN P$ = "back office"

 1740 IF XX = 7 THEN P$ = "motel room"

 1750 IF XX = 8 THEN P$ = "waterbed with goldfish swimming around in it"

 1760 IF XX = 9 THEN P$ = "Tennessee Waltz"

 1770 IF XX = 10 THEN P$ = "broom closet of ill repute"

 1780 GOSUB 3000

 1790 IF XX = 1 THEN Q$ = "foot"

 1800 IF XX = 2 THEN Q$ = "body's shortest hair"

 1810 IF XX = 3 THEN Q$ = "ear"

 1820 IF XX = 4 THEN Q$ = "naughty bit"

 1830 IF XX = 5 THEN Q$ = "brain"

 1840 IF XX = 6 THEN Q$ = ""

 1850 IF XX = 7 THEN Q$ = "tongue"

 1860 IF XX = 8 THEN Q$ = "finger"

 1870 IF XX = 9 THEN Q$ = "factsheet"

 1880 IF XX = 10 THEN Q$ = "long nose"

 1890 GOSUB 3000

 1900 IF XX = 1 THEN R$ = "door"

 1910 IF XX = 2 THEN R$ = "mistress"

 1920 IF XX = 3 THEN R$ = "euphemism lid"

 1930 IF XX = 4 THEN R$ = "lion's mouth"

 1940 IF XX = 5 THEN R$ = "orange chair with large yellow flowers on it"

 1950 IF XX = 6 THEN R$ = "wine glass"

 1960 IF XX = 7 THEN R$ = "table leg"

 1970 IF XX = 8 THEN R$ = "blender"

 1980 IF XX = 9 THEN R$ = "light socket and the juice is turned on"

 1990 IF XX = 10 THEN R$ = "worst of places"

 2000 GOSUB 3000

 2010 IF XX = 1 THEN S$ = "25 years"

 2020 IF XX = 2 THEN S$ = "a coon's age"

 2030 IF XX = 3 THEN S$ = "a blue moon"

 2040 IF XX = 4 THEN S$ = "over a month"

 2050 IF XX = 5 THEN S$ = "a long time indeed"

 2060 IF XX = 6 THEN S$ = "since 1967"

 2070 IF XX = 7 THEN S$ = "forever and a day"

 2080 IF XX = 8 THEN S$ = "quite obvious"

 2090 IF XX = 9 THEN S$ = "dribbling on the floor"

 2100 IF XX = 10 THEN S$ = "four score and twenty years ago"

 2110 GOSUB 3000

 2120 IF XX = 1 THEN T$ = "tubes"

 2130 IF XX = 2 THEN T$ = "eyelids"

 2140 IF XX = 3 THEN T$ = "cats"

 2150 IF XX = 4 THEN T$ = "cars"

 2160 IF XX = 5 THEN T$ = "cabinets"

 2170 IF XX = 6 THEN T$ = "frying pans"

 2180 IF XX = 7 THEN T$ = "horses"

 2190 IF XX = 8 THEN T$ = "pigs"

 2200 IF XX = 9 THEN T$ = "chickens"

 2210 IF XX = 10 THEN T$ = "peacocks"

 2220 GOSUB 3000

 2230 IF XX = 1 THEN U$ = "closed"

 2240 IF XX = 2 THEN U$ = "rolled"

 2250 IF XX = 3 THEN U$ = "undressed"

 2260 IF XX = 4 THEN U$ = "unduly investigated"

 2270 IF XX = 5 THEN U$ = "tied"

 2280 IF XX = 6 THEN U$ = "hammered"

 2290 IF XX = 7 THEN U$ = "unloaded"

 2300 IF XX = 8 THEN U$ = "hijacked"

 2310 IF XX = 9 THEN U$ = "censored"

 2320 IF XX = 10 THEN U$ = "banned"

 2330 GOSUB 3000

 2340 IF XX = 1 THEN V$ = "flowergirls"

 2350 IF XX = 2 THEN V$ = "best tuxedos"

 2360 IF XX = 3 THEN V$ = "wardrobes"

 2370 IF XX = 4 THEN V$ = "garages"

 2380 IF XX = 5 THEN V$ = "dinners"

 2390 IF XX = 6 THEN V$ = "folding chairs"

 2400 IF XX = 7 THEN V$ = "prayer wheels"

 2410 IF XX = 8 THEN V$ = "naughty parts"

 2420 IF XX = 9 THEN V$ = "false teeth"

 2430 IF XX = 6 THEN W$ = "Hunchback Hotel"

 2440 IF XX = 10 THEN V$ = "children"

 2450 GOSUB 3000

 2460 IF XX = 1 THEN W$ = "cleaners"

 2470 IF XX = 2 THEN W$ = "hospital"

 2480 IF XX = 3 THEN W$ = "robot repair shop"

 2490 IF XX = 4 THEN W$ = "vomitorium"

 2500 IF XX = 5 THEN W$ = "statue of the religious figure down on main street"

 2505 IF XX = 6 THEN W$ = "Hunchback Hotel"

 2510 IF XX = 7 THEN W$ = "girls' club"

 2520 IF XX = 8 THEN W$ = "corner of 12th street and Vine"

 2530 IF XX = 9 THEN W$ = "post office buying 3 cent stamps"

 2540 IF XX = 10 THEN W$ = "bottom of the deep blue sea"

 2550 GOSUB 3000

 2560 IF XX = 1 THEN X$ = "blacksmith's shop"

 2570 IF XX = 2 THEN X$ = "hymnal writer's studio"

 2580 IF XX = 3 THEN X$ = "musicians' union"

 2590 IF XX = 4 THEN X$ = "building under construction out front"

 2600 IF XX = 5 THEN X$ = "dog food factory"

 2610 IF XX = 6 THEN X$ = "supreme court"

 2620 IF XX = 7 THEN X$ = "helm of a ship to Honduras"

 2630 IF XX = 8 THEN X$ = "brink of disaster"

 2640 IF XX = 9 THEN X$ = "South pole with a group of select tourists"

 2650 IF XX = 10 THEN X$ = "top of the World Trade Center"

 2660 GOSUB 3000

 2670 IF XX = 1 THEN Y$ = "Spiro Agnew"

 2680 IF XX = 2 THEN Y$ = "Tammy Bakker"

 2690 IF XX = 3 THEN Y$ = "Jerry Lee Lewis"

 2700 IF XX = 4 THEN Y$ = "Oral Roberts"

 2710 IF XX = 5 THEN Y$ = "the Queen"

 2720 IF XX = 6 THEN Y$ = "the Mayor"

 2730 IF XX = 7 THEN Y$ = "Vanessa Williams"

 2740 IF XX = 8 THEN Y$ = "Jacko"

 2750 IF XX = 9 THEN Y$ = "the news media"

 2760 IF XX = 10 THEN Y$ = "the face in the mirror"

 2770 GOSUB 3000

 2780 IF XX = 1 THEN Z$ = "the bath house"

 2790 IF XX = 2 THEN Z$ = "the tape recorder"

 2800 IF XX = 3 THEN Z$ = "the crypt of the unknown evangelist"

 2810 IF XX = 4 THEN Z$ = "the TV studio"

 2820 IF XX = 5 THEN Z$ = "the transmitting tower"

 2830 IF XX = 6 THEN Z$ = "the news stand"

 2840 IF XX = 7 THEN Z$ = "the computer store"

 2850 IF XX = 8 THEN Z$ = "enough to smell the fumes"

 2860 IF XX = 9 THEN Z$ = "a naturally beautiful woman"

 2870 IF XX = 10 THEN Z$ = "a bathtub"

 2880 PRINT "It was a "A$" day in "B$" and "C$" was "D$".

 2890 PRINT "With no outlet for the "E$" "F$ ", "C$" was nearly "G$".

 2900 PRINT "Suddenly, who should appear at "C$"'s door but "H$"!

 2910 PRINT H$", a well-known "I$", was not above "J$" the "K$" "L$", a fact "C$" knew all too well.

 2920 PRINT "'Hey "C$", it's "(LEFT$(TIME$,5))",' "H$" said as "C$" approached the "M$", 'why not come over to my office for a bite of "N$"?'"

 2930 PRINT C$" pondered the prospect for a moment, then picked up the "O$" and stumbled to the "P$".  'I'd love to, "H$", but my "Q$" is caught in the "R$".'"

 2940 PRINT H$" gave "C$" a sidelong look.  'Come on, "C$",' "H$" said, 'you know I won't buy that line.  Why it's been "S$" since you had your "T$" "U$".'"

 2950 PRINT C$" was shocked.  'How can you stand there and tell me my "T$" haven't been "U$" when your own "V$" are at the "W$"?'

 2960 PRINT H$" showed no signs of perturbance.  'You know my "V$" are at the "X$", "C$".  Besides, "Y$" would never let me get anywhere near "Z$"!'"

 2970 PRINT "With that, they both had a good laugh at the expense of "Y$" which just proves it's a great country, doesn't it?

 2990 END                                                                     

 3000 RANDOMIZE VAL(RIGHT$(TIME$,2))                                          

 3010 A = CINT(RND*1000)                                                      

 3020 RANDOMIZE A                                                             

 3030 XX = CINT(RND*10) + 1                                                   

 3040 IF XX > 10 GOTO 3000                                                    

 3050 FOR D=1 TO XX*(A/100):NEXT D                                            

 3060 RETURN                                                                  

 

ZIP Beep #44
THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF TV-LAND
by Don Fitzwater

Much has been made of alternate universes, separate realities, higher planes of existence. But perhaps the most sublime realm of all exists right in front of our very eyes. I'm referring, of course, to the Wonderful World of TV-Land.

What is TV-Land? TV-Land is that miraculous place that is revealed to us through the window of everyday, ordinary TV commercials. Not the obviously glitzy and phony world of prime-time soaps, sitcoms and adventure shows. I'm talking about the place where the people inside the TV REALLY live. Prime-time is the place where these folks all pretend.

Like most folks, at first I dismissed TV-Land as merely the ficticious creation of various advertising agency copywriters. But after some intensive research, too many similarities from commercial to commercial started to manifest themselves to be merely the work of assorted underpaid agency hacks. I've compiled my research here for your perusal. I'm sure that after you take a look at life in TV-Land, you'll want to move there, too.

Life in TV-Land
---------------

What a glorious thing life in TV-Land must be! Everybody has a job. Everybody is happy. No one goes hungry. And everybody gets what they want all of the time.

Everybody in TV-Land is happily married. Oh sure, there are the occasional spats due to less than whiter whites, wimpy trash bags, bland dinners -- but all in all, these folks always have happy endings. Nobody ever gets divorced (or even separated). Why just the opposite! These folks go into a kissing frenzy over anything from hairspray to a cup of coffee.

And the kids -- each and everyone of them is the best of the best. Cute. Adorable. Intelligent. Obedient. Loving.

Why not? These kids get the best food, the best education -- according to Apple and IBM, kids in TV-Land all have home computers powerful enough to induce envy in the most jaded of power users -- no wonder they're smart!

Then there's the employment situation. While everybody has a job in TV-Land, nobody ever has to actually work while they're there. They are always just arriving at work, just coming home from work, on lunch break, on coffee break, feeding soda pop to computers, or dancing across all the desks in the steno pool. Yet their incomes are astronomical! They possess $100,000 homes, drive $50,000 cars, wear $1,000 suits and eat at the finest restaurants worldwide.

And speaking of homes and cars -- people in TV-Land have an incredible amount of possessions. There is not a single product or service that they have to go without.

I mentioned cars before. Ever notice that the inhabitants of TV-Land always have (at the very least) this year's model? Why some of these folks like a particular model so much that they buy two or more of the exact same car! And there are never any traffic jams -- just look at all those empty roads and streets that they get to drive their cars on.

Ever notice how the houses in TV-Land are always immaculate? Take a close look sometime. You'll find that the entire house is picture perfect every second, even if a family of thirteen lives there!

Of course, every inhabitant in TV-Land has the latest video and stereo equipment. Projection TV's, stereo VCR's, and sound systems that would shame The Grateful Dead. This feature alone should make living in TV-Land worthwhile to most of the folks I know.

Everybody has cable. And a satellite dish.

But man does not live by possessions alone, even in TV-Land (I know, hard to believe with all those great things, but true). Yes, just like everything else in TV-Land, love is better!

It starts when you are a teen in TV-Land. The prettiest girl or most handsome guy is your date. You both are impeccably dressed, in the best of health and your hair is perfect.

But this idyllic state can't possibly continue past adolescence, can it?

Yes it can.

Granted, the infectious bloom of youth may have passed, but in TV-Land a whole arsenal of products stand ready to assist you in your adult quest for love and tenderness. Want a date? Use any one of a dozen mouth washes. Or tooth pastes. Or deodorants. Any or all of these absolutely guarantee true love will be yours.

For the really hard cases out there in TV-Land there are all the scents that men and women can employ to attract the perfect lover. Apparently the chemists in TV-Land have mastered complex molecular stuctures that have nearly God-like powers over the minds of the inhabitants of TV-Land. Why I've seen a woman in TV-Land spray a little of one of these miracle compounds all over her body, walk through crowded big-city streets, and draw males to her like moths to the flame.

But if all that romance doesn't attract you to life in TV-Land this will -- perfect health.

Yup, it's true.

Everybody in the health and fitness clubs in TV-Land is already in fantastic shape (I don't know why they even bother to go anyway). They're always winning marathons, playing football, baseball, soccer, biking around the world and generally having a great time sweating.

And if by some extremely rare chance your health suffers, there are (just as there were in your love life) an arsenal of products that will have you back at your perfect best in a matter of minutes. No expensive doctor or hospital bills, all of these products are over the counter, non-prescription drugs! I tell you, those TV-Land chemists are amazing!

So if you yearn for everything your heart desires. If you want perfect love and perfect health. Desire a rich and fulfilling career, but don't want it to take up too much of your time. May I suggest that you think about living in TV-Land?

You'll be in good company.

Our President has been living there for years.

ZIP Beep #44
LOBSTER, SHRIMP & OTHER GUYS I'VE EATEN IN RESTAURANTS I COULDN'T AFFORD TO BE IN
by Dennis Wallaker

I was once asked to write a restaurant review but due to my eighth grade education, I found that there are certain turns of phrase that I can't lower myself to using. Below are some of these terms along with other titles, descriptions, etc., that consistently mess with my appetite.

1) TENDER LITTLE MORSELS (the badguy always refers to James Bond's girlfriends in this way).

2) LIGHT & FLAVORFUL (Translation: "It didn't make me gag.")

3) SERVED PIPING HOT WITH JUST A HINT OF...(goes back to the diner scare of the 20's when heat was the only way you could be assured that the food had received any attention within the last 10 days).

4) SMOKED TO PERFECTION (possibly a tribute to the hooker upstairs).

5) MOIST & CHEWY (Good meat IS, old gum IS, the woman I lived with in London...oops!)

6) MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH (If I don't like stuff melting in my hand, why would I want it melting in my mouth?)

7) TANGY & EFFERVESCENT (Hey, Brillo pads are tangy & effervescent).

8) SAUTEED WITH JUST A BIT OF GARLIC (If your schnozz is working, there is no such thing as just a bit of garlic).

9) SMOTHERED IN ONIONS (Get real! Would you want an onion smothered in steak? Smothered is not good. It's what happens to people who have been married over 5 years).

10) SWEETEN TO TASTE (Fat guys have a tough time with this. Living diabetics don't).

11) FINGER LICKIN' GOOD (I hate licking my fingers. I have no idea where they've been. Sometimes when I'm not checking things out too closely, I'll find one up my nose. I play piano with them, I wipe my bottom with 'em -- thank God for soap or else I'd just put my fingers in my pocket and go get a job in a restaurant).

12) HAIR IN THE FOOD (...like where's it supposed to go, Ontario? I know some hair in Ontario but there are usually Canadians underneath and how many of them would you like to find in your salad?)

13) BROILED IN ITS OWN JUICES (I don't know what this means but I don't think it happens with oranges).

14) AN AROMATIC BLENDING OF MIXTURES FROM MANY DIFFERENT COUNTRIES (could be gormet coffee, could be a restroom in Detroit. The important thing is that the phrase is telling us nothing).

15) DELICATELY PREPARED IN A LIGHTLY BUTTERED PAN (one of my favorite bits of business. Imagine this scene - a middle aged restaurant owner in the middle of evening rush admidst his hectic kitchen. "It's packed out there and I expect it to be packed again as soon as we get this first bunch out. But I don't want you guys to hurry. I want everything delicately prepared, I want the pans lightly buttered and I wouldn't mind seeing some heavy mincing back here.")

16) SLIGHTLY GREASY FOR MY TASTES (What does this mean? You hated it but a human dumpster like me is going to love it so much that he is going to get on the phone and toot it to every member of his high school graduating class. Grease is grease -- bus drivers still use it on their hair, my dad uses it on auto parts and Greeks...well, ya know, the FCC and all).

17) INCREDIBLY CRISPY (Right. And speaking of my high school graduating class.... But seriously, what is incredibly crispy? "Ripped my lip right off. I though it was delicious.")

18) AL DENTE (an Italian term for "not dead yet").

19) COOKIES (Noun - an actual food type - cookies are supposed to be made by Moms, Dads or other close relatives and friends. Otherwise the magic doesn't work and they turn into a kind of food furniture only to be burned for calories).

20) MY COMPANION CHOSE THE LEMON AND LIVER SOUP (Seems like these food critics' friends always wind up getting all the rotten junk. They sit there, have to listen to the critic's "reportage" and then wind up with some weird stuff poured on a cracker and a rather effeminate waiter asking them if they want something from the bar). No offense to effeminate waiters. Some of you are good friends of mine so why do you always say. "Well, everything is good, but I'd suggest..." and that's always the weird stuff on the cracker. Be up front, tell the people what you eat on your break. They'll not only love ya for it, but I think you'll be getting better tips.

21) BED OF LETTUCE (looks better on paper than in real life, though I'd really like to give it a whirl some evening).

22) PATTY MELT (Yeah, I know her. She's off of religion and back on drugs. Same old tatoos).

23) CHOICE OF TOAST OR PANCAKES (It's a tough question and they don't give you a lot of time to think about it. And you spend a lot of chewin' doing a lot of "I wish I would've...").

24) CAT FOOD ( Don't eat it. It tastes just like it looks as opposed to peas which don't. I've got two cats, Spike and Pete, and I've often asked them, "Why are you eating that crap when you could be eating macaroni and cheese, just like me?" They say nothing and stare silently into the distance surrounding the couch. It could be poor nutrition).

25) CUTE NAMES (First of all, I'm sorry about "Cat Food", it has no place in this piece and I'll never be self-indulgent again). I want to spend some time with cute names because I don't think it's dignified that my 90 year old grandma has to hobble into a chain restaurant and ask a Cyndi Lauper look alike if they serve the Disco Duck on Sundays. It was embarrassing and I suggested we go elsewhere but you can't argue with that old woman when she's got the coupons. I said we should just get sandwiches but she had the two dollars off plus the senior citizens discount. She was hot for Disco Duck. What's worse is that it wasn't that bad. I got the BLT-cold bacon, warm pickle, slushed out tomato...the works; while she got her choice of soup, salad and whatever kind of potato that's ever existed. The Disco Duck was done up real good, maybe a few too many toothpicks but it kind of lent a festive air to match the Muzak. I asked her if she was going to eat the reat of it. She replied, "No." I asked, "May I?" She said, "No, I'm bringing it back for the janitor at the nursing home." Otherwise, we're real close.

26) COOK UNTIL DONE (My late Grandma Rud, God bless her and the fjord she swam from, used to put this at the end of her recipes. There was a rumor among the women she did a great deal of quilting with that this was a mean streak she'd had in her for quite some time but I pretty well know she had the ability to know when the food was done. She used to yell out into the yard, "Start your prayers now, it will be on the table by the time you make it to the kitchen.")

27) SALSA (I hang out with a lot of West Indians, Latinos, etc., due to the fact that they're friends of mine. But I said to myself years ago,"Boy, I hope I don't get to the point where I have to put Tobasco on everything." But it happens man! One minute I was sitting there with tastebuds like June Lockhart's, craving just another spoonful of oatmeal before I went out to milk Lassie and the next minute I'm Xavier Cugat thinking about all the different things one could do with Charo).

28) GRAVY (In Swedish, it means "been sitting on the stove for at least an hour but when was the last time the kids were ever here for supper when they were supposed to be anyway." It can also be used to stain shirts, suits ties and the embarrassing part of a pair of pants). When I was a kid in the early 60's, I wasn't allowed to carry weapons even though we were under the constant threat of nuclear attack. All I had was a pint of my mother's gravy, just in case I spotted a Russian jet. The Soviets, of course, have survived. Unfortunately the kid next door wasn't so lucky. He got in the way of a practice run and while he wasn't killed, he has to spend most of his life as a Methodist Youth Pastor in North Dakota.

Well, that's 28 read 'em and weepers. I've been thinking a lot about food lately since I went on my non-diet.

A woman was hugging me the other night and she said, "You're so skinny. It's like hugging a corpse." Kinda hurt my feelings. So I made a decision. When I meet the summer solstice, I'm meeting it with a tire around my gut. I want to be somewhere between Edmund O'Brien and Orson Welles, just as long as I'm fat and slippery. I want to have people saying, "How could he let himself go like that!"

Otherwise things are going pretty good except the IRS impounded all my assets and my dog is on death row awaiting appeal (three bites and you're out - two kids and a mailman - bad mojo).

Where there's life, there's hope. Where there's hope, there's food.

I was at a free spaghetti dinner at the church the other night. Most of us guys were bums (except for me) and not very well behaved. I held my own, did my "Pleases" and "Thankyous" and because of that they sent me home with an extra ice cream sandwich. Some bums looked on with envy while others started behaving themselves and soon lots of people were getting extra ice cream sandwiches. Soon everybody was well behaved and everybody got an extra ice cream sandwich.

Another day, another status quo.

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