ZIP Beep #47
by Ed Eubanks
Welcome to Limerick U. A place for the lyrical few. Now please take your seat When the course is complete You'll be asked to cull up one or two. *********** RELIGION 3110: RELIGIOUS OPPRESSION AS GOVERMENT POLICY "Nhow Lo is the way", folks were sayin. To the Nepalese monk they were prayin. This monk held in awe Drew the ire of the law. Now low is the way Himalayan. *********** PSYCHOLOGY 1020: OEDIPAL MANIFESTATION IN HINDU MYSTICISM A devoted young lad in Calcutta Who is thoroughly fond of his muttha Earns the wrath of his sect By his gross disrespect. It seems he can worship no uddah. *********** HISTORY 3030: THE WEIMAR REPUBLIC AND EMERGENCE OF NAZISM Young A. Hitler was quite the eclectic While engaging in Nazi didactic. Of his quite biased views -- More for Huns, less for Jews -- All were rightly termed anti-symmetric. *********** MEDICINE 210: FRENCH ORTHOPEDIC TECHNIQUE "Monsieur," said the scatter-brained quack To the dwarf he had tied to the rack, "This'll increase your height. Tell me, does it feel tight, Or does it feel too loose, Lautrec?" *********** ANTHROPOLOGY 310: SELF-MUTILATION RITUALS AMONG UBANGI TRIBESMEN Though he tries as hard as he might (Nose jobs, straightened hair) he's not white. So Jackson is gonna Truck in Porcelana And sleep in a batch every night. *********** POLITICAL SCIENCE 4912: POLITICAL ASCENCION WITHIN AN OLIGARCHIC
FRAMEWORK The Russkies will wrap up Andropov Any book that from glasnost is Romanoff. Still they must throw some bash For this unwanted trash Cause they line up to see their old Gorbachev. *********** BUSINESS 4240: ASSET MANAGEMENT IN FUTURES TRADING A jaded and not so young starlet Climbed her way to the top as a harlot. Now career at an end, Fame has gone with the wind, Leaving her with a past, frankly, scarlet. *********** GAELIC 2002: CONVERSATIONAL LIMERICK My Rose went to Boston last summer. O'Flynn got blown up, what a bummer. Meet Mr. Shillelagh. We loved our Dick Daley. We'd best call a protestant plumber. *********** LINGUISTICS - HONORS SEMINAR: THE EFFECT OF SEMANTIC CONFUSION UPON SEMITIC CONFUSION Tel Aviv sent this message to Reagan: "We think that Beirut is a plague on The Earth. Just say so And to Beirut we'll go." Ronnie's three word reproach: "There now, Begin." *********** (At this time you are required to complete two limerics. Upon completion of coursework you may accept your diploma.) *********** Limerick #1: There once was a man in Nantucket _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ _________________________________ Limerick #2: A shepherd too long with his sheep __________________________________ ___________________________________ ___________________________________ ___________________________________ *********** Congratulations on a job well done! You have shown great talent and imagination in the completion of your coursework. We are proud to accept you among the bright and creative graduates of Limerick University. You will find L.U. alumni have illustriously contributed to this great nation as medical researchers, economists, and presidential speechwriters. Your diploma is conveniently sized so that you can carry it in your wallet with your other prized credentials. *********** ____________________________________________________ | | | ****UNIVERSIY OF LIMERICK**** | | *CLASS OF 8 O'CLOCK* | | | | S/He holding this paper is rowdy. | | A fan of the inane and bawdy. | | Having passed every test | | We award this B.S. | | With honors MAGNUM CUM LAUDE | |___________________________________________________| copyright 1988 Edward Eubanks/Strinz Creative Inc., Mpls., Mn.
ZIP Beep #47
by Don Fitzwater
With the proliferation of non-proliferation treaties, and feeling the pressure to hang tough with the Soviets, the Reagan Administration has hit upon a new scheme to make America strong in the twilight period of the Teflon President.
The public's growing concern over the cost and doubtful effectiveness of SDI, coupled with the Right's fear that Ron is giving away the store at the conference table, has put the Reagan administration in a bind. They desperately need to come away with some major concession from the Soviets and SDI seems to stand in the way.
Up to now Reagan has refused to even consider putting SDI on the table. He views it as the ultimate defense against the "Evil Empire" and critical to the future defense of Democracy. But all of that seems to have changed overnight.
"The President felt it was time for a new initiative," said a White House aide who wished to remain annonymous. "President Reagan has decided that SDI can be placed on the bargaining table because we've got something much, much better."
In a press conference late last night the administration unveiled its latest weapon in the arsenal of freedom: SCI, short for the Strategic Comic Initiative. Promising more details at a later date, the President did reveal the basic concept of this new force on the international scene.
The heart of SCI is the surplus of standup comedians infesting this country. In the event of an international incident with the clash of the super powers inevitable, SCI would be mobilized. After proceeding through various preliminary stages of alert readiness, DefCom 1 is reached. Here's the scenario:
Immediately, a nationwide pressgang made up of troops from all branches of the armed forces is mobilized. These troops quickly establish positions in every comedy club in the nation and await further instructions...at this point SCI can still be aborted quickly and with no danger.
DefCom 2 triggers the next phase of SCI activation. All comics in the clubs are rounded up and transported to the nearest airbase in preparation for further deployment. At present the plans call for all comics, regardless of how funny they are, to be seized. Future enhancements of the system may result in a higher "bomb" per comic ratio. But at present, the White House considers it an "all or nothing" proposition. Once at the airbases the comics are loaded aboard C-5A Galaxy transports for airlift to the trouble spot.
At DefCom 3 the transports lift off and fly to their predetermined "Punchline Points" where they orbit and await the go/no go command from the White House War Room. If after careful evaluation of the situation the President feels there is no other choice, the country goes to DefCom 4 and the airdrop of comics begins.
The first wave of transports will drop small stages complete with self-contained public address systems, followed by a secondary drop of small cocktail tables and unitized cabaret seating. The second wave will drop thousands of pounds of promo packs, demo video tapes and press clipping files from the comics. After this softening up process is complete the comics themselves are delivered in a pre-dawn vertical insertion.
As horrible as a war fought with nuclear weapons is, the sight of hundreds of thousands of standup comedians, all doing the same material simultaneously, is bound to make nuclear holocaust pale in comparison.
Unorthodox as this appears, it does present some very attractive features. "We like to think of it as killing two birds with one stone," remarked Dr. Lineaus Seller, chief architect of the SCI program. "Not only do we put the fear of God into the hearts of the Soviets, but we also rid ourselves of a very vocal and obnoxious segment of our entertainment industry."
With the Soviet's rather closed society, the U.S. is guaranteed to always have the upper hand in the Comic Gap due to our virtually inexhaustable supply of comics and would-be comics. It will take the Soviet Union years to even approach the number of comics that our strategic forces can deploy at the drop of a pun.
But SCI, like its predeccessor SDI, is a multi-tiered system. At the very same time the comics are being deployed, the low level defenses are activated. Considered SCI's "Sunday Punch" these defenses consist almost entirely of TV evangelists with a couple of self-help experts thrown in for good measure.
Americans have suffered through performance after performance by this otherwise non-productive element of society, and SCI backers see this as a golden opportunity for the U.S. to turn a liability into an asset.
The President had no comment when asked if the perpetual razzing he has received at the hands of standups, monologists and political cartoonists had anything to do with the creation of SCI.
ZIP Beep #47
by Dennis Wallaker
For those of you who've read my junk and thought it was neat and funny - God bless you and your families.
But there's a time to come out of the closet.
I'm really not a comedy writer as much as I am a poet (I'm also a musician, composer and less-than-satisfying ballroom dancer).
Why the poetry instead of the schtick?
Ya know, if you're funny all the time, people begin to think that you are the joke instead of just the guy who makes them up.
In my case, it's made it very difficult for me to bid on high income property. I bid $3 million and they say, "It's the broke writer with the funky cat. Where's our security people?"
So, I'm sending you some of my recent poems. I thought it might be nice to give you something different.
These are all examples of what I like to call:
RENTED FISHING GEAR HAIKU
Some of you may not know what Haiku is. Perhaps that's just as well for my sake. Because the way I write it, Haiku is a form of Oriental poetry with a regimented set of rules that nobody really has to follow if they have dusty blonde hair, like me.
Better living through Science and Technology.
Many of these Haiku have longer titles than the poems themselves. I can live with that.
Think Zen and grab a bag of potato chips -- the rippled kind that senior citizens won't eat unless they want to take their lives and their dentures into their own hands.
THE MAN WHO'D EATEN A COUPLE OF GUYS WHOM I'D NEVER MET For a cannibal, he seemed like a nice fella until he started checking out my legs. THE VOLKSWAGON (1971) It broke down. They're not supposed to do that. BOGART In the year 2500 when the Russian archeologists dig up his grave he'll walk towards this blinding light and ask some black and white man for a cigarette. Then it can start all over again. PEOPLE OVER THIRTY WHO STILL WEAR UNDERWEAR THEIR PARENTS GAVE THEM 2 XMAS'S AGO Guilty as charged/and or/changed. TEETH You floss them, you brush them but you can still find particles of food that can cause bad breath. POSTAL WORKERS' BEST QUALITIES They may be good in bed but I doubt it. WHY BABOONS HAVE HEMORHOIDS From sitting on hard surfaces bolt upright and searching for the next opportunity for advancement. Yes, they are like just about every other computer jockey except they can eat bananas without grabbing for the Maalox. BOWIE, DAVID He's still Good DAVIDSON, JOHN He's still Bad GUMBY He's still good DEPUTY DAWG He's still bad STEWARDESSES I've never slept with any of them and they're already asking for a raise. BROKEN DOWN AND BUSTED (Check Volkswagen Haiku) FUN IN NORWAY AND SWEDEN Deceptive title as no one's having any. Sometimes one has to lie to insure any tourist trade at all. BORDERLINE SCHIZOPHRENIC It doesn't make me sleep any better at night knowing he's only "borderline." POSING NUDE When men do it, it's weird. When women do it, it's sexist. When babies do it, it's cute. When Shriners do it, it's time to call the cops. BARGAINS Life isn't one - love isn't one - people aren't one. Air, water and sun, are. THE BRILLIANTINE EYELINER LADY She's a fixture down at the Free food place. an excellent conversationalist but only with herself. She steers clear of people she doesn't know.-----
-Moderate Disclaimer -
My Dad and I were putting a new water pump in his station wagon the other day when he asked me what I was writing recently.
"Poetry," I replied.
He said, "That's good. If you're going to wind up in the poor house anyway there's no quicker way than writing poetry."
I had to agree. Not much of a future in it. Most poets wind up being teachers in very dry places, relying on liquor and their own words to get them from semester to semester.
But if you look at history, you can see that as a poet, you can get away with just about anything, especially if you're single.
So I think I'll stay this way for a while and if it doesn't work out, I can always get a job as a systems analyst over at the Pentagon.
I'll have my own cubicle, my own phone, a coffee cup with my name on it so no one else can use it. I'll eat my share of chef salads in the commissary and join my division's softball team.
As exciting and fulfilling as that all sounds,
I'd still rather be a poet.
ZIP Beep #47
RON REAGAN'S BIG BOOK OF INDIANS
as related to Chuck Strinz
Life was hard for the Indians before the white man came, boys and girls. It was a time long ago. Don Ameche hadn't invented the telephone yet. There weren't even any trees, really, because J. Sterling Morton wasn't alive to discover them.
Across the land we now call America, the red people who lived here ate anything they could get their hands on. Some dug for grubs. Others were repulsed by that idea and moved north, where grub populations were minimal.
None of them knew what to call themselves until Christopher Columbus came. Then they all learned they were Indians. After that, they broke up into packs or "tribes," each with its own name, and started fighting one another.
Famous peacemakers like Jedediah Smith and his brother, John, showed them all the error of their ways. Many of them became good citizens of the United States of America then and there. But others still wanted to be Indians. They tried to kill all of the white settlers, including the ones who had been Indians before they became citizens, but the cavalry always came just in time.
It's not easy to understand those who are more red than us, but we can all be friends. The red people of the U.S.S.R. agree, and I think the Indians do, too.
Because we wanted to be their friends, we let the Indians take over large parts of the country that had been theirs. Every tribe was given its own reservation. The Indians were very happy. As they walked to their new homes, they wept with joy. This is what grownups are talking about when they speak of the "Trail of Tears."
We humored the Indians with so much land that I can't tell you all about every tribe in this short Primer. Instead, let's look at a few of the most interesting Indian nations in each part of the United States of America.
The MOHAWKS of New York wear their hair in a funny style. It grows from the tops of their heads, but not from the sides. Unlike most Indians, they were peaceful. But some early English settlers, who also wore their hair in Mohawk-fashion, taught them how to play loud radios in subways and intimidate their elders. The Mohawks, in return, taught the English how to scalp people. Many of the descendants of these English are now called "skinheads," and both groups remain hostile to this day.
Like the Mohawks, the IROQUOIS are from New York. They are known for their jewelry, especially the rings and bracelets that use stones we mistakenly call turquoise. Other New York tribes include the ERIE, who build canals, and the ALGONQUIN, who congregate regularly for long lunches during which they drink heavily, trade witty insults, and reassure one another that they are better Indians than the neighboring HOI POLLOI tribe.
The DELEWARE Indians live in Deleware. The HURON Indians build their houses on lakes. In Virginia, the CHICKAHOMINY Indians exist on a diet of poultry and corn.
Farther south is the ancient ancestoral home of the CROATANS. They chose to move from North Carolina to Europe, and now share their reservation with the YUGOSLAVS (who are not really Indians, but they are red).
The Indians known most for their advanced development in the beverage industry are the KICKAPOO of Indiana and Illinois. The MIAMI, also of Indiana, have all but deserted the state for condominiums in Florida.
Throughout the central plains are a variety of more or less similar Indians including the OJIBWAY, DAKOTA, PONCA, OMAHA, OTO, OSAGE, WICHITA, WACO, and many others. Most of these have disbanded and re-formed into subsects of the BINGO tribe. These new subsects include the CASINO, LOTTO and PULLTAB Indians. The Omaha and Wichita used oil resources to take control of large cities that now bear their names.
In the vast Big Sky Country of Montana are the only Indians known to have the ability to fly, the CROW. The ARAPAHO of the Colorado foothills are violent farmers. The southwest is home to members of the TACO, TORTILLA, and the CHIMICHANGA Indian tribes, each known for its outstanding contribution to the food world.
The NAVAHO and HOPI make rugs and pottery. More MOHAWKS live in Los Angeles with the CHICANOS. The HIPPIE reservation is in San Francisco. And Washington state is home to the mysterious EYAH EYAH (also of Hawaii), the WALLA WALLA, and the BELLA BELLA (the only Indians to have sent a representative to Congress).
Your teacher will give you a workbook to use with this Primer. Start with question #1 on page 3W unless your teacher gives you a different assignment. Before you begin, forget anything you might have heard or read about Indians up to now. Use complete sentences.
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