ZIP Beep #8
TO: General A. T. Hoggit, Pentagon
FROM: Information Resource Office, General Dynamics Corp.
RE: Extra-budget canine expenses
Our Administrative Offices have asked us to respond to your
request for more information regarding the recent audit.
Although there is a discrepancy of approximately $4.5 million, we
must take issue with your suggestion that the U. S. Government
was "overcharged" this amount. It is a simple cost overrun,
which is certainly nothing new to our longstanding industrial-
military relationship. While we freely admit to some errors when
estimating expenses for complex projects, many cost overruns are
incurred as a result of unwarrented regulations requiring massive
amounts of unnecessary paperwork. In the case of this most
recent overrun, our security section advised us to hire two
additional staff members for their department. This unforseen
expense, plus administrative costs due to Federal Security
Engineer Hiring Department requirements, was responsible for the
overrun. The following is a full accounting of the expenses.
Amounts are rounded up to the nearest thousand. Now that this
little matter has been cleared up, we look forward to receiving
your next payment.
$ 120,000 Three-year salary for one Security Engineer
(canine) Name: Sparky Soc Sec #: none
$ 120,000 Three-year salary for one Security Engineer
(canine) Name: Buck Soc Sec #: none
$ 240,000 Three-year salary for Canine Security Engineer
Trainer/Maintenance Engineer (human)
Name: Frank Bushbaum Soc Sec #: 123-45-678
$ 100,000 Automobile leasing
$ 260,000 Total basic subcontracting costs for canine
Security Engineer residence (does not include
residential expenses added after 10/1/81 -- see
$ 50,000 Theraputic whirlpool (canine)
$ 50,000 Theraputic whirlpool (human)
$ 3,000 Parts and installation of Regulation RJ211
$ 2,000 Three toilet seats
$ 100,000 Entertainment expenses $ 1,000 Breeding expenses/services (canine)
$ 120,000 Health care expenses
$ 120,000 Veterinary expenses
$ 15,000 Business travel expenses - Hawaii
$ 15,000 Business travel expenses - Florida
$ 10,000 Business travel expenses - Redwood Forest
$ 275,000 Dog food
$ 5,000 Two Regulation RJ569 Waste Scooping devices
$ 500,000 Legal fees
$ 900,000 Billable administrative time - secretarial
$1,445,000 Billable administrative time - management
$ 40,000 Charitable contributions
$ 62,000 Business publication subscription expenses
(includes Security Weekly, Interrogation Today,
Observation Review, Better Homes & Kennels,
German Shepard Grooming Journal, others)
ZIP Beep #8
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, BUY IT.
Senator Jesse Helms has expanded his original idea to form a
league of conservatives, with the intention of buying controlling
interest in CBS.
Now the senator from North Carolina intends to organize a group
to buy the rights to the air itself. To this end, Helms has
created the Organization of Right-Thinking Americans (ORTA).
Gene Sphincter, press agent for ORTA, sent us the following
Are you breathing clean air? The Organization of Right-Thinking
Americans (ORTA) has its doubts.
Unamerican forces masquerading as network affiliates are filling
the airwaves with massive amounts of trash. You may not feel the
effects now. But ORTA believes it's only a matter of time before
you succumb to its insidious effects ... whether through visual,
auditory, or nasal ingestion.
Rather than attempting to buy controlling interest in all of the
networks, as well as satellite and other broadcasting entities,
we have decided to work for legislation declaring air to be real
estate. When this is accomplished, ORTA will homestead the new
As a group with strong conservative government ties, ORTA has a
great deal of experience with air, particularly the type that has
been heated to a temperature sufficient to guarantee the safe
launch an average manned balloon.
Once it has obtained title to the new property, ORTA will simply
evict TV and radio signals it finds offensive. Private and
public shortwave bandwidths will also be affected, as will
signals from foreign countries, including Canada. In some cases,
trespassing of this sort could be grounds for international
The added benefit of this plan is the industrial development
opportunities it presents. Certain approved radio and TV
stations could be granted usage of the airwaves in exchange for
large sums of money. Payment for air could also be instituted in
secondary markets now receiving air at no cost. These include
the air supplied for patrons of gasoline stations, for owners of
sporting goods such as basketballs and footballs, for singing,
for talking, for breathing, and for allowing parachutes to
Conservative groups are encouraged to write for more
information. Send all correspondence to ORTA, Box 21243,
Minneapolis, MN 55421.
ZIP Beep #8
by Steve Anderson
Borrowing the license plates of prominent citizens may seem like
fun. But it's risky and the rewards are few. We wish we could
dissuade you from joining in this new fad. However, we know some
of you will yield to temptation. So here are a few things you
First of all, you need an accomplice. After all, there are two
plates per car and there's no reason to be greedy. Pick someone
who is tightlipped and slowfooted just in case you get caught in
Plan your caper to take place at night and wear dark clothes --
no ski masks, though, or axle grease. Bring at least two
screwdrivers, a wrench, and sturdy pliers. Wear lightweight
gloves to prevent leaving fingerprints and, more important, to
protect your knuckles from being scraped raw as you hurriedly
work your screwdriver. Look over your shoulder constantly as you
After you've pulled the job, leave the scene immediately. Go in
separate directions. Do not try to rendezvous for at least an
hour or until your heart stops pounding, whichever comes first.
Now the hard part begins. Check your newspaper the next
morning. Make sure there's nothing on page one, nothing on page
two, nothing anywhere. This raises a couple of interesting
questions. Can you tell anyone about your conquest? Can you
show the plates to anybody?
After a few days, you'll find a newspaper blurb between a
careless driver and a shoplifter. Call your partner. He or she
is now the only person you can trust to share in all the glory.
The two of you might be able to decide what to do next.
Since the Statute of Limitations runs out in seven years, you
could put the plates on ice for a while. Or you could be bold
and display them in your den or office. This is really dictated,
in large part, by how prominent the original holder of the plates
really is. The more prominent, the more prestigious. But
prominent plates are likely to be recognized (which, after all,
is what you really want, right?), and this could lead to lengthy
jail terms for both of you. If the plates have any market value
you may just want to take your money and run.
As you can see, plate snatching may look glamorous at first but
is really just another bit of dirty business. If you don't want
to end up making license plates, don't borrow them from prominent
people ... or anyone else, for that matter.
ZIP Beep #8
FROM RUSSIA WITH LANGUAGE
Some of us were shocked recently when the International Chess
Federation stopped a long match because of concerns about
defending champion Anatoly Karpov's health. The unprecedented
event was carried live on Russian TV (where live news coverage is
all BUT unprecedented).
The real surprise came when Karpov took the microphone and told
the crowd, "As we say in Russia, the rumors of my death are
This raises an interesting issue. If that's what they say in
Russia, a Russian origin is implied. Therefore, Mark Twain must
have visited Russia before he was heard to say the same thing
here in America.
That's not all. After some investigation, we have discovered
numerous other phrases in common American usage that are actually
based on original Russian folk sayings. You'll probably
recognized some of them.
But don't feel bad. Remember, Karl Marx got his start as a
newspaper reporter in New York.
A kopeck saved is a kopeck earned.
A stitch in time saves your good standing in the Party.
When the going gets tough, the tough get sent to Siberia.
Give me liberty, or give me a small apartment I can share with
three other families.
You can't ban a book by its cover.
If you can't say something nice about somebody, contact the
All work and no play makes Ivan a good citizen.
Honesty is one of the better policies.
Early to rise, early to bed, 'cause really there's nothing to do
Would you buy a used tractor from this man?
We do it all for you ... so keep your nose clean.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life sentence.
Remember the Altamont incident.
Old soldiers never die, they're just embalmed and put on public
No news is good news, and bad news is not news.
Oh what a tangled web we weave when our great leaders we
There's no other place like this place around this place, so
this must be the place. Besides, we're stuck here.
It's my Party and you'll cry if I want you to.
Reach out and finger someone.
Just play along and no one will get hurt.
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