ZIP Beep #8


TO: General A. T. Hoggit, Pentagon

FROM: Information Resource Office, General Dynamics Corp.

RE: Extra-budget canine expenses

Our Administrative Offices have asked us to respond to your request for more information regarding the recent audit. Although there is a discrepancy of approximately $4.5 million, we must take issue with your suggestion that the U. S. Government was "overcharged" this amount. It is a simple cost overrun, which is certainly nothing new to our longstanding industrial- military relationship. While we freely admit to some errors when estimating expenses for complex projects, many cost overruns are incurred as a result of unwarrented regulations requiring massive amounts of unnecessary paperwork. In the case of this most recent overrun, our security section advised us to hire two additional staff members for their department. This unforseen expense, plus administrative costs due to Federal Security Engineer Hiring Department requirements, was responsible for the overrun. The following is a full accounting of the expenses. Amounts are rounded up to the nearest thousand. Now that this little matter has been cleared up, we look forward to receiving your next payment.


 Cost              Explanation


 $ 120,000         Three-year salary for one Security Engineer 

                  (canine)   Name: Sparky   Soc Sec #: none

 $ 120,000         Three-year salary for one Security Engineer 

                  (canine)   Name: Buck   Soc Sec #: none

 $ 240,000         Three-year salary for Canine Security Engineer 

                  Trainer/Maintenance Engineer (human)

                  Name: Frank Bushbaum  Soc Sec #: 123-45-678

 $ 100,000         Automobile leasing

 $ 260,000        Total basic subcontracting costs for canine 

                  Security Engineer residence (does not include 

                  residential expenses added after 10/1/81 -- see 


 $  50,000         Theraputic whirlpool (canine)

 $  50,000         Theraputic whirlpool (human)

 $   3,000         Parts and installation of Regulation RJ211 

                  "Doggie Door"

 $   2,000         Three toilet seats

 $ 100,000         Entertainment expenses $   1,000         Breeding expenses/services    				(canine)

 $ 120,000         Health care expenses

 $ 120,000         Veterinary expenses

 $  15,000         Business travel expenses - Hawaii

 $  15,000         Business travel expenses - Florida

 $  10,000         Business travel expenses - Redwood Forest

 $ 275,000         Dog food

 $   5,000         Two Regulation RJ569 Waste Scooping devices

 $ 500,000         Legal fees

 $ 900,000         Billable administrative time - secretarial 


 $1,445,000        Billable administrative time - management

 $  40,000         Charitable contributions

 $  62,000         Business publication subscription expenses 

                  (includes Security Weekly, Interrogation Today, 

                  Observation Review, Better Homes & Kennels, 

                  German Shepard Grooming Journal, others)

 $4,553,000         TOTAL


ZIP Beep #8

Senator Jesse Helms has expanded his original idea to form a league of conservatives, with the intention of buying controlling interest in CBS.

Now the senator from North Carolina intends to organize a group to buy the rights to the air itself. To this end, Helms has created the Organization of Right-Thinking Americans (ORTA).

Gene Sphincter, press agent for ORTA, sent us the following publicity release.

Are you breathing clean air? The Organization of Right-Thinking Americans (ORTA) has its doubts.

Unamerican forces masquerading as network affiliates are filling the airwaves with massive amounts of trash. You may not feel the effects now. But ORTA believes it's only a matter of time before you succumb to its insidious effects ... whether through visual, auditory, or nasal ingestion.

Rather than attempting to buy controlling interest in all of the networks, as well as satellite and other broadcasting entities, we have decided to work for legislation declaring air to be real estate. When this is accomplished, ORTA will homestead the new property.

As a group with strong conservative government ties, ORTA has a great deal of experience with air, particularly the type that has been heated to a temperature sufficient to guarantee the safe launch an average manned balloon.

Once it has obtained title to the new property, ORTA will simply evict TV and radio signals it finds offensive. Private and public shortwave bandwidths will also be affected, as will signals from foreign countries, including Canada. In some cases, trespassing of this sort could be grounds for international police action.

The added benefit of this plan is the industrial development opportunities it presents. Certain approved radio and TV stations could be granted usage of the airwaves in exchange for large sums of money. Payment for air could also be instituted in secondary markets now receiving air at no cost. These include the air supplied for patrons of gasoline stations, for owners of sporting goods such as basketballs and footballs, for singing, for talking, for breathing, and for allowing parachutes to function properly.

Conservative groups are encouraged to write for more information. Send all correspondence to ORTA, Box 21243, Minneapolis, MN 55421.

ZIP Beep #8
by Steve Anderson

Borrowing the license plates of prominent citizens may seem like fun. But it's risky and the rewards are few. We wish we could dissuade you from joining in this new fad. However, we know some of you will yield to temptation. So here are a few things you should know.

First of all, you need an accomplice. After all, there are two plates per car and there's no reason to be greedy. Pick someone who is tightlipped and slowfooted just in case you get caught in the act.

Plan your caper to take place at night and wear dark clothes -- no ski masks, though, or axle grease. Bring at least two screwdrivers, a wrench, and sturdy pliers. Wear lightweight gloves to prevent leaving fingerprints and, more important, to protect your knuckles from being scraped raw as you hurriedly work your screwdriver. Look over your shoulder constantly as you proceed.

After you've pulled the job, leave the scene immediately. Go in separate directions. Do not try to rendezvous for at least an hour or until your heart stops pounding, whichever comes first.

Now the hard part begins. Check your newspaper the next morning. Make sure there's nothing on page one, nothing on page two, nothing anywhere. This raises a couple of interesting questions. Can you tell anyone about your conquest? Can you show the plates to anybody?

After a few days, you'll find a newspaper blurb between a careless driver and a shoplifter. Call your partner. He or she is now the only person you can trust to share in all the glory. The two of you might be able to decide what to do next.

Since the Statute of Limitations runs out in seven years, you could put the plates on ice for a while. Or you could be bold and display them in your den or office. This is really dictated, in large part, by how prominent the original holder of the plates really is. The more prominent, the more prestigious. But prominent plates are likely to be recognized (which, after all, is what you really want, right?), and this could lead to lengthy jail terms for both of you. If the plates have any market value you may just want to take your money and run.

As you can see, plate snatching may look glamorous at first but is really just another bit of dirty business. If you don't want to end up making license plates, don't borrow them from prominent people ... or anyone else, for that matter.

ZIP Beep #8

Some of us were shocked recently when the International Chess Federation stopped a long match because of concerns about defending champion Anatoly Karpov's health. The unprecedented event was carried live on Russian TV (where live news coverage is all BUT unprecedented).

The real surprise came when Karpov took the microphone and told the crowd, "As we say in Russia, the rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated."

This raises an interesting issue. If that's what they say in Russia, a Russian origin is implied. Therefore, Mark Twain must have visited Russia before he was heard to say the same thing here in America.

That's not all. After some investigation, we have discovered numerous other phrases in common American usage that are actually based on original Russian folk sayings. You'll probably recognized some of them.

But don't feel bad. Remember, Karl Marx got his start as a newspaper reporter in New York.

A kopeck saved is a kopeck earned.

A stitch in time saves your good standing in the Party.

When the going gets tough, the tough get sent to Siberia.

Give me liberty, or give me a small apartment I can share with three other families.

You can't ban a book by its cover.

If you can't say something nice about somebody, contact the Secret Police.

All work and no play makes Ivan a good citizen.

Honesty is one of the better policies.

Early to rise, early to bed, 'cause really there's nothing to do instead.

Would you buy a used tractor from this man?

We do it all for you ... so keep your nose clean.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life sentence.

Remember the Altamont incident.

Old soldiers never die, they're just embalmed and put on public display.

No news is good news, and bad news is not news.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when our great leaders we deceive.

There's no other place like this place around this place, so this must be the place. Besides, we're stuck here.

It's my Party and you'll cry if I want you to.

Reach out and finger someone.

Just play along and no one will get hurt.

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