FORWARD - 1996 Introduction to the back issues of ZIP Beep! on the web.
ZIP Beep!
A Monthly Humor Periodical
Chuck Strinz - Editor
Don Fitzwater - Associate Editor
(c) Entire contents copyright 1984 - 1989
Strinz Creative, Inc.
unless otherwise noted
All incidents, situations, and products depicted or described in ZIP Beep are fictional, and any similarity, without satiric intent, of characters presented therein to living persons is coincidental. Views and attitudes expressed in ZIP Beep are not necessarily those of the local information provider or service bureau that makes this feature available to you, or of the BBS Press Service. Reader submissions are welcome. Upon publication, submissions become the exclusive property of Strinz Creative, Inc..
EDITORIAL
MOVIE REVIEW - PRAWN
CONTEST!!! - NAME YOUR FAVORITE OLD FOOL
INSIDE DIZZYLAND
DR. HOWZZAT? - PART 1
CABLE TV LISTINGS ... because we care
COMPUTER REVIEW ... because it was there
THE WRITE IN PARTY PLATFORM ... because it's fair
CARTONES .. because we're in gear, er, gare
A MODEST POLITICAL PROPOSAL ... because we dare
SCAREY STUFF ... Get scared for Halloween
ORIGINS OF COMPUTER SUPERHEROES SERIES ... Get the facts on Ward
Christiansen. Or make up your own.
CIA GUERRILLA 1 COMPUTER USERS MANUAL ... Get a head in Latin
America
DR. HOWZZAT? - PART II ... Get the next installment here and now.
WORTHLESS KNOWLEDGE GAME - replacement cards for your favorite
timewaster
REPORT FROM THE FRONT END - Gary Finseth breaks an astounding
story to bits
LAST CALL FOR ENTRIES TO THE OLD FOOL CONTEST
MOVIE REVIEW - ELECTRODE WARRIOR
ANOTHER EDITORIAL (and about time, too)
DUDLEY RIGGS INTERVIEW - Part I (sort of about time)
OLD FOOL CONTEST WINNER (certainly about time!)
ANTIMATER UNIVERSE NEWS (about as spacey as it gets)
TEN 10 WHATEVER OF 1984 LIST LIST: ZIP Beep recognizes the yearly
ritual in its own fashion
THE TRINARY COMPUTER: Another Breakthrough from Gary Finseth,
reporter at large ... or could be, maybe not.
PERSONALITY ROBOTS: How about next year?
MOTION PICTURE CODES: Why stop with PG-13?
DUDLEY RIGGS INTERVIEW - PART II
TAIWANESE ENGLISH. Please to read?
GERRY'S BACK AND OUT FOR BLOOD. Steve Anderson joins the staff
and assures us that Mrs. Ferraro is on the comeback trail. But
then, he also says he's the One True Steve Anderson.
A GUIDE TO NEW NAMES FOR OLD PLACES. Come to the land
of enchanted crystals.
DUDLEY RIGGS INTERVIEW - PART III
GENERAL DOGMATICS. Some government subcontractors have it ruff.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, BUY IT. Senator Helms wants breathing room.
PLATENAPPERS BEWARE. Sound advice from the One True Steve Anderson.
FROM RUSSIA WITH LANGUAGE. or, "Who was that babushka I
saw you with last night?"
Issue #9 - 4/19/85 (All Sports Issue)
BOYS OF SUMMER WILL BE BOYS. The One True Steve Anderson gives
us an interesting lineup.
HOT MICRO INTERFACEOFFS. Another Report From the Front End by
Gary Finseth.
THE TREE FROM MY YARD. Tim Murray lays his cards on the table.
THE TAG TEAM MATCH OF THE CENTURY. Another pro wrestling exclusive
from ZIP Beep.
Issue #10 - 5/17/85 (Bad Taste Issue)
SATANIC MYSTERIES REVEALED. Heed the warnings of Greenscreen,
all ye consumers.
NEW TWIN CITIES RADIO STATION ANNOUNCED. Another Report From
the Front End by our own radio star computer smartguy, Gary Finseth.
EXCERPTS FROM "THE DIGNITARY'S QUARTERLY." The One
True Steve Anderson shares thoughts from one of his favorite magazines.
BBS BS. Jim Reider's LOCAL feature runs amuck in ZIP Beep.
Issue #11 - 6/21/85 (Sweetness & Light Issue)
YET ANOTHER EDITORIAL. More ramblings from Fearless Leader
NEW COKE IS HERE. And new contributor Bob Reeves doesn't like
it.
BUMPER SUNS. The One True Steve Anderson asks "Have you
hugged your dog head today?"
DR. HOWZZAT? PART III - TURMOIL
INTERSTELLAR MEGAMEGAMALL PROPOSED. Newly announced plans for
convention center to include world's biggest everything.
ANOTHER EXTREMIST GROUP HIJACKS PLANE. On-Target BBS sysop Peter
Leppik uncovers an earthbound but upwardly mobile terrorist organization
in his first exclusive report for ZIP Beep.
MOVIE REVIEW: RAMBEL: LOST BLOOD PART ONE. War is hell. So
is this film.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PAUL LIPP. Brought to you by twenty-mule
teams, borax, and the One True Steve Anderson.
BASEBALL OWNERS THREATEN STRIKE. Just when you thought it was
safe to go back home.
ALICE A. MICRO. A logical love poem by new contributor M. L.
Larsen
FAA MEMO. Peter Leppik has uncovered an interesting series of
proposed safety tests.
THE STRANDING OF RADIO RAY. Gary Finseth asks, "Can Radio
Ray make it back to the Cities in time to save us all?"
ODE ON A POLYKARP KUSH. An unabashed call for contributions from
one of our favorite readers.
FIRST ANNIVERSARY EDITORIAL. More ramblings from a misguided
soul.
ECO-BUM. Don Fitzwater takes time out from duties at Belly Laffs
night club to ask us for spare change.
RADIO-CONTROLLED GRIDIRON GAMES - THE FOOTBALL OF THE FUTURE.
The ultiimate pastime for armchair quarterbacks.
REAGAN ADMINISTRATION BACKS SOLUTION TO LATIN AMERICAN PROBLEM.
Peter Leppik reports on another breakthrough in international
relations.
U.S. GOVERNMENT BOUNTY HUNTERS WANTED. Now showing: Bounty on
the Mutiny.
Issue #15 - 10/18/85 (All Peter Leppik Issue)
ALL-PETER-LEPPIK ISSUE EDITORIAL. You asked for it. Well, somebody
did, anyway
REVISED PLAN FOR AIRPORT GAMBLING. It's a probable 12 to 7 --
but call ahead to confirm, just in case.
A NEW IDEA COMES TO LIGHT. Revealing words from vacuum-headed
leaders who speak for all bright laborers.
HIGHWAY 12 IS A COMMUNIST PLOT
SOFTWARE FOR THE LOWEST COMPUTING DENOMINATOR. Revealed: A new
development in computer technology that's smarter than it thinks.
BERNO WALKER - THE FORGOTTEN FOURTH WALKER SPY. John, Arthur
and Michael Walker have been convicted. Now meet Berno, the other
Walker Brother.
MARKETING MANIA. A new consulting group specializes in finding
unusual markets for its clients' products.
PREVIEW REVIEW. A first look at TV's second season.
IRONY ON THE RANGE. Governor Perpich hopes to help beat a path
to Hibbing's door.
EASY STREET. It's anything but, according to Eco-Bum.
SELF DEFENSE INSTRUMENT. The High Frontier, all over your body.
U.S STEPS UP WAR ON DRUGS. Peter Leppik can't hear you, he has
a controlled substance in his ear.
THE PROLETARIAT'S NEW CLOTHING. After Comrade Cardin finishes
dressing the Soviets, maybe he'll redo the Iron Curtains.
THE COMPUTER IS DOWN. Belly Laffs' Musical Director Dennis Wallaker
shares a song from his heart.
PROBLEMS REPORTED IN LIBYAN ARMED FORCES. Peter Leppik scoops
the world again.
SAM SMAID, HOUSEPERSON. CQUill Editor Carol Moler introduces
us to a poor soul out of his element.
TWO MINUTE WARNING. That loveable paranoic Greenscreen is back
with a horror story as told to Don Fitzwater.
PHILIPPINE ENGLISH PRIMER. A guide to an important dialect.
JAY LENO INTERVIEW. One of America's master comics talks about
life in the funny lane.
ONLINE SPEEDREADING SEMINAR. Know more than you can learn through
this free, no-obligation, introductory lesson.
VIETLAND - A THEME PARK FOR THE 80'S. Don Fitzwater's half-acked
play returns us to those thrilling days of yesteryear.
COMUKILL BILL INTRODUCED. The Final Solution.
SINCE ONE DAY EVERY PERSON. As one day it may happen.
THE REVERSE DOMINO THEORY. Things go better with smoke.
Issue #21 - 4/18/86 (All Don Fitzwater Issue)
WARNER BROTHERS ANNOUNCE NEW CARTOON CHARACTERS. Woo woo!
LASALLE CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL OF PUNK ROCK LYRICISM. Not affiliated
with the Columbia School of Punk Broadcasting.,
911 - THE EMERGENCY IS GREATER THAN YOU THINK. Call at your own
risk.
THE FAST FOOD PRAYER. Not for the squeamish.
POWER TO THE PEABRAINED. Myron LaDouche invites us to his Party.
CHICKEN KIEV. Get it while it's hot. But hurry. You only have
a few centuries.
JERRY SEINFELD INTERVIEW. Another celebrity comedian talks to
ZIP Beep.
SMOKE AID CONCERT TO BENEFIT TOBACCO FARMERS
GEREALO RIVERA EXPLORES HOUDINI'S LOST WAREHOUSE
DR. HOWZZAT? in THE LIFEFORCE OF THE TIMELORDS
YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY LOST
ALL AROUND TOWN
IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, HOWARD COSELL
EDITORIAL - SOMETHINGS OLD, SOMETHINGS NEW
SOAP OPERA UPDATE
JUSTICE IS BLAND
SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES
ROBOT BLUES
ENGLISH ENGLISH
IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LAWRENCE WELK
THE CAT IN THE HAT COMES BACK - AGAIN
THE ADVENTURES OF SUPRAMAN
MISTER REAGAN
ROCKSPOT
A HALLOWEEN STORY
INSIDE LOOKING OUT
AUTO-ERROROTICA
A CHILD'S GARDEN OF QUOTABLE QUOTES
MY DINNER WITH ATLAS -OR- LOVE KNOWS NO BOUNDARIES
86 IT
WRONG RON ENDS UP FRED
ZIP BEEP'S CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE OF HIGH TECH TRINKETS
A WEIGHTWATCHER'S CHRISTMAS
WILL CASEY COME TO BAT
ZIP BEEP'S GUIDE TO THE NEW TAX LAWS
PRE-POSTHUMOUS NOTES PART 1
DAWN OF MANUALS
HI-DRECK SOFTWARE. Don Fitzwater has discovered an electronic
office environment that might be too easy to understand.
WE ARE NOT ALONE. Greenscreen is back, crazy as ever.
PRE-POSTHUMOUS NOTES PART 3. The thrilling conclusion to Dennis
Wallaker's examination of his life, his times, and what he messed
up.
MONEY TRAIL. The Alternate Universe has sent us a game show.
THE ZIP BEEP GUIDE TO UNIVERSAL RULES, LAWS, BROMIDES, THEOREMS
AND
AXIOMS. Don Fitzwater tells us what's what.
A MEANDERING. You never know who your friends are. Neither
does Dennis Wallaker.
SUPERCOMPUTER SUPERFLOPPER. More than a bit off center.
DR. HOWZZAT? AND THE SENSE OF NONSENSE. The Doctor's back.
Get out your handkerchiefs.
THE BALLAD OF BERNARD GOETZ. Sung to the tune of an old country-western
song.
I'M OK, YOU'RE A BEEPER. Greenscreen listens in, and he doesn't
like the tone of things.
CLEANING UP. Trash with flash and other janitorial delights.
NEW WATERGATE MENU. Times change. Tastes change. But some
things never change.
WHO RAN THE CIRCUS. The Who's down in Whoville want to know just
what is going on.
CAVIAR AND WHITE BREAD. Dennis Wallaker recounts more tales
from the underside of the "Good Life".
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE OS/3. Byte Back Systems is back, and
user unfriendly has never had it so good -- er, bad.
INTERSTELLAR FOLLIES. Space Opera is alive and well, and going
where it has always gone before.
DEATH OF A NOBLE SPORT. Or Man Bytes Computer.
PLUGGING INTO THE LIFESTYLE. When you're in the Minority, it's
best to lighten up.
UNDER OUR NOSES. Wake up and smell it.
INTERSTELLAR FOLLIES EPISODE 2. Space Opera is alive and well,
and going where it has always gone before.
EDITORIAL. Obligatory ramblings from your humble editor.
THE UNDERWORLD OF THE INNERCITY. Dennis Wallaker tries to make
friends with all around him.
THE RED M & ENANCE. Another frightening revelation from that
ol' paranoic, Greenscreen.
INTERSTELLAR FOLLIES EPISODE 3. Space isn't the only thing warped
in this issue's twisted episode.
JOURNEY TO THE CRYPT. Dennis Wallaker takes a look at visits
from Mom and other horror stories.
ALTERNATE UNIVERSE RIDERS. And we thought OUR government was
really strange.
FRUIT BASKET UPSET. Things go bananas as scandal racks the produce
departments of America.
INTERSTELLAR FOLLIES EPISODE 4. It's the crew's move as Sonny
"hogs" the glory.
THE SIXTIES RE-BOOTED. High tech mysticism is alive and everything
is guru-vy.
CAESAR'S WIFE'S LAWYER. Judging character the Alternate Universe
way.
A BUNGLE OF JOY. Toward a unified theory of parenthood.
MEANDERING - ON WHO ACTUALLY STOLE THE KISCHKA. Dennis Wallaker
explores the joys of life among the violent.
THAT WILL BE THE YEAR THAT WASN'T. If you thought 1987 was strange,
wait until you see ZIP Beep's predictions for 1988.
GOBACHEV IS COMING TO TOWN. That jolly old guy from the north
has a Christmas present. But don't forget that he sees you when
you're sleeping.
TECHNO-TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS 1987. Just when you thought it was
safe to go shopping again.
ROBO-CLAUS. He knows if you've been naughty or nice, so you'd
better watch out!
WAITING FOR THE 21ST CENTURY. In which our heroine faces up
to the times.
STUPID COMPUTER TRICKS. Or, how to amuse yourself on a winter's
night if you're really bored.
IS NASTY BACK? More ravings from the original nice-guy-in-spite-of-himself.
CURE FOR THE COMMON CODE. Just say ><
POWER GORDONS #1. To lead or not to lead? And why not?
THE REAL WINTER OLYMPICS. Now you can be a gold medalist, too!
THE LOST NOTES OF GREGOR "THE GREEK" MENDEL. A scientific
gamble nearly pays off.
THE YUPPIESTOCK FESTIVAL OF GAIN AND GOLDCARDS. The Alternate
Universe throws the
ultimate "Power Lunch."
POKES AT FOLKS PART I. The explanation of POLKS AT FOLKS II.
POKES AT FOLKS PART II. The BASIC program made possible by the
Supreme Court.
THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF TV-LAND. Somewhere over the cathode ray
tube.
LOBSTER, SHRIMP & OTHER GUYS I'VE EATEN IN RESTAURANTS I
COULDN'T AFFORD TO BE IN. Food for thought.
A FIELD GUIDE TO FREEWAY FLORA AND FAUNA. A look at some endangering
species. By Don Fitzwater
HIDDEN MESSAGES IN ROCK & ROLL LYRICS. Save one for the
Tipper. By Richard Dargis
TRICKY TUESDAY. A movie review. By Chuck Strinz
PREPARATIONS FOR CLOSE ENCOUNTERS. Klaatu barada nikto meets
cheedar, colby and camembert. By Jeff Schneider
MORE STUFF ABOUT FOOD. A breakdown on what not to eat and where
to eat it. By Dennis Wallker
POWER USER, HEAL THY DISK. Faith, Hard Drives, and the Boot-Agains.
By Don Fitzwater
AQUARIAN. A song for our times. By Chuck Strinz
FATHER X GOES TO ORRIN. Another True Life Adventure from Jeff
Schneider
50 WAYS TO LEAD A LOAFER. Just Singing in the Reign. By Ed
Eubanks
LIMERICK U. Professor Ed Eubanks shows his class.
BOMBS AWAY. Don Fitzwater's found more to laugh at than the
D.O.D.'s budget.
MODEMRY POETRY. Online lines from Dennis Wallaker.
RON REAGAN'S BIG BOOK OF INDIANS. A Primer by the western world's
favorite cowboy, as related to Chuck Strinz
POLITICAL INEPTITUDE TEST. P.I.T. yourself against the politicians,
with help from Ed Eubanks
MODERN FARMING. Dry humor from Chuck Strinz
INSTINCTIVE BEHAVIOR IN THE BATHROOMS OF OTHERS. The sweet
flush of excess from Dennis Wallaker
WHO FRAMED RONNIE RAYGUN. Foontown follies galore, a movie review
from Don Fitzwater
EDITORIAL RESPONSE - AMERICA NEEDS GREETINGS. Beware of greetings
bearing text
MAKIN' TRACKS. Our hero's training is right on track
ZOFTIG AND WHY THEY DON'T CALL FAT GUYS "RUBENESQUE".
La-Z-Boys and the girth of a nation
THROUGH A MICRO DARKLY. Where some aliens really dig Earth's
history
ANNIVERSARY ISSUE EXTRA: AWARDS OF QUESTION. Don Fitzwater
celebrates the beginning of ZIP's 5th year, with the usual nonsense.
MY WEEK AND THE PHILOSOPHY OF WOOD. Dennis Wallaker has had
a week of good and bad, all crawling into bed with each other
to make his life confusing.
OUGH BOUY! ING LITSCH! Ed Eubanks examines a strange language.
THE LAST TEMPTATION OF ELVIS. Chuck Strinz reviews a movie
about the King.
EDITORIAL: HALLOWEEN, ELECTION '88 AND OTHER SCARY STORIES.
Don Fitzwater finds plenty to be scared about.
THE SPORT OF KINGMAKING. Ed Eubanks "sports" a different
view of the election.
THE CERTAINLY STRANGE IMPRESSIONS I GET FROM ANYONE NAMED STEVE.
Dennis Wallaker finds it all in a name.
MAN BITES SOUND. Chuck Strinz tunes into another Alternate Universe
channel.
ADA MEVE & PARADISE LOST. Ed Eubanks gives us some poetic
justice
THE WORLD OF KINDLY DOCTOR CRANDAL. Kindly Doctor Crandal shows
us just what he cares about
HOLIDAY LETTER TO GEORGE BUSH FROM MY DAD. Dennis Wallaker's
Dad explains it all
COMPUTIN' (With apologies to the Grateful Dead). Don Fitzwater
knows what a long strange trip it's been
THE ULTIMATE PROPAGANDA MACHINE. Donald Trump unveils the WEALTH
bomber
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE NEW YEAR (1969). Kids don't try this at
home
MABEBE YES, MABEBE NO. A memo about PLO Chairman Yassir Sadats
MaBebe from the Alternate Universe
THE EIGHT YEARS OF REAGAN. Twelve final parting shots.
THE UNBEARABLE BYTENESS OF BEING. Greenscreen freaks out
AN IMMORTAL BALLAD. Ode to the miracle of '88 by Chuck Strinz
THIS IS THE ONE. More tales from the lovely Laurel Apartments
SAM GOETZ MEETS THE LIBYANS. A Top Gun confrontation at High
Noon
ARFICE POLITICS. Chuck Strinz dogs the media
HIGH BALL, HARD BROW - THE REPUBLICANS ARE STILL HERE. More
tales from the lovely Laurel Apartments
DUFAS PROFILES. 12 out of 12 Ollie North jurors drink Dufas Scotch
SONS OF THE PIONEERS. Billy Joe Baud drags main
SAFE COMPUTING. What's worse than a computer virus?
ARNOLD FINKY. Rambling relevations from the poet of the lovely
Laurel Apartments
COMPUTING IS NEXT TO GODLINESS. An ALTERNATE UNIVERSE NEWS Feature
MOVIE REVIEW. A man-on-the-street approach to film criticism
ADVERTISING SPACE. Putting the Reds in the black
MORE INFO ON ANIMALS. Dennis Wallaker picks up what Marlin Perkins
left out
MY DOG ATE IT: HIGHER TECH EXCUSES FOR HIGH TECH TIMES. What
to do when personal unproductivity rules the day
THE DOUBLE HELIUMIX. A Cleft Notes Guide with apologies to Watson
& Crick
STREET FESTIVALS FOR OUR TIMES. Chuck Strinz takes a look at
the way we weren't
ANOTHER LOVE STORY. Love comes to Dennis Wallaker and the lovely
Laurel Apartments
POLITICAL DEVOLUTION. Poetic justice of a different kind
RIDERS OF THE PURPLE RAGE. Billy Joe Baud is back...and he's
gunning for hackers
THE BOOK OF THE MONK CLUB. There's no place like tome, sweet
tome
LOST TO THE OZONE AGAIN. Rick Mons gets caught between a xerox
and a hard place
THE ENDLESS (AND/OR MEANINGLESS) STORY. Dennis Wallaker on life,
love, death and editors
THE FLAGMAN. The road to oblivion is closer than you think
INTRODUCTION TO ZIP BEEP / FIFTH ANNIVERSARY EDITORIAL. What
a long strange trip its been... by Chuck Strinz
ROCK BOTTOM: THE WORST THAT RADIO HAS OFFERED. Golden Moldies...look
back and shudder. by Barry J. Bottger
IZZY'S ROCK. What IS between a rock and a hard place? by J.
Landman Gay
STATE FAIR ON A STICK. That annual celebration of over indulgence
is back. by Sue Fitzwater
THE SILICON CURTAIN. War among the chips...whose side are you
on? by Billy Joe Baud
HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION. Proving health food is all in
how you look at it. by J. Landman Gay
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